YOU'RE STILL YOU
If I had made daily postings about things going on in my house last week - I most certainly would have driven you all away in fear of my going completely, and utterly insane. It would've been like watching a horrible car accident in slow motion. I certainly feel like I've gone through a windshield a few times in the last few days.
Kierra had a bad week last week. I want you to appreciate my definition of "bad". Getting a hangnail; that's an inconvenience. Having your eyelid catch on a rusty nail; troublesome. Bad defines watching things going totally out of control and you can't really control the situation. Basically it seems like Kierra has been on a downward spiral of regression. We are having a hell of a time figuring out what exactly is triggering it. My best guess is her aide at school has recently gone on maternity leave, and basically this has disrupted everything she is used to. She was really close to her aide.
Kierra has been reverted to things we had overcome MONTHS ago. Simple things like wearing a jacket, combing her hair, and wearing different clothes. She's only wanting to wear one shirt, and keeps it hidden under her bed at night. She's also peeing all over the house. She's potty-trained yet yesterday she peed three times on the carpet in the play room, and made a delightful mess in the bedroom after bedtime. You can imagine our utter horror coming home to hearing this from our babysitter. How much to you compensate someone for having to deal with that??? So much for nice ending to romantic date. I spent it trying to get crap off the carpet. The next day, she proceeded to pee on the carpet (this is the yelling I was woken up to this morning), and she also peed on my mat in front of the kitchen sink. The craziest part? She takes off her pants and undies, peees, then goes to sit on the toilet. It's mind boggling - why would you go through all that trouble when the toilet was actually closer to you? I won't even go into the marathon tantrums she's been having. Let's just say I've spent a lot of time on the phone long distance to my mom, trying to calm me down. It's a good thing I'm not a drinker. I would've been on a weeklong bender.
I understand she's not doing these things to be a bad kid. She's just reacting to having a monkey wrench thrown into her life. Autistic children usually don't bode well with change - especially unexplainable ones. She doesn't understand why her aide is gone, even though we've explained it to her. I actually emailed our child psychologist over the week-end for help. We could use all the help we can get!!
In spite of a bad bout of broncittis, she's meeting with me on Thursday (remind me to wear a surgical mask).
The worst part about this past week is it has made me and hubby feel at a total loss. It is very hard to see your child overcome so many obstacles that you've fought long and hard to overcome. And then in a few days it seems like all of it was for absolutely nothing. It's frustrating, but more disheartening. It sucks to feel so much impatience towards your child: because there really is no outlet to direct your anger towards. Both of us have had long faces today. It also sucks because when we get into these bouts, we wonder at what point does all the progress dwindle down and we are faced with the cold, harsh reality of what Kierra's limitations are? Me I'm someone that refuses to take no for an answer (ask my husband). But I know at some point, there are going to be challenges that will be lifelong for her. So why are we re-fighting the ones we've overcome?
Later in the afternoon, I was cuddling with her on the couch. We were just looking into each others faces, and she was smiling her gorgeous smile. My child has the most heart-warming smile. All my upset just melts away. Amazing isn't it? How days of chaos can be overturned so quickly? She stroked my face lovingly, said "mum mum" a few times. It makes me realize that even in days where I feel our whole family is going to hell in a handbasket, that the love is always there. That remains our constant. My love and devotion to her is constant. I know there will be better days ahead. But just looking and her, and holding her to me and knowing she was probably the happiest she's been in days; where she was at that moment... I had to whisper in that crazy head of hair "You're still you, and I love you forever."
