I am not one of those people that can patiently wait until they day they give birth to find out whether they are having a boy or a girl. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not me!! I am way too nosey and need to plan ahead for everything. Surprises and me do not jive in the least. Maybe it makes me a bit of a control freak.

I've been told I'm ruining one of the best surprises of my life. My theory on that is why do I need to have a human being ripped out of my gut the same day I find out, in order for it to be the total surprise? I mean it's a surprise no matter WHEN you find out what you are having. And considering my history of profuse vomiting for hours on end after I have a kid, I'd like to actually bask in the happy news of what I'm having... rather than trying to apply pressure to the staples in my stomach with a pillow as I dry heave for the 200th time. Which, by the way, I'm going to try to avoid this time. However, I'm not going to hold out too much hope considering my track record. I think I just puke any time something is stuck into my spine (ie: epidural/spinal). Let's hope this anethiseologist knows something about upset stomachs.

Anyways, I find it very hard to go shopping lately without wanting to peruse the baby section. I'm drawn to tiny jammies, bibs, sockies... you name it. And I'm not one that wants to buy gender neutral things. I want pink or blue! I want boyish or girlish!!! My infatuation is growing so bad I actually bought two sleepers for newborns. One was blue with puppies in planes, and the other was pink with bunnies. I made sure that I could bring back one, which I can. I just feel satisfied to have something. I keep looking at crib bedding and wishing I could buy something and get moving. Again, I don't want a gender neutral nursery. So I lie in wait. What makes it worse is that I'm now eligible to have my ultrasound done, so technically I could find out what I'm having. However I opted to schedule the ultrasound for 22 weeks, which is the day of our 10 year wedding anniversary. At the time it sounded so neat to do it this way. Now I'm just chomping at the bit. I try to remind myself that Karis' ultrasound was done around 18 weeks and the technician couldn't verify what it was. I was SO pissed!! It wasn't until around 32 weeks that we found out in a trip to the ER.

Another problem is that me and the hubby have identified with this baby already... as being a girl. I don't know why I can't shake the girl vibe. Neither can he. We refer to my tummy as "her". We are only thinking about girl names. I will feel really bad for this kid if it is a boy and we've been calling it a she all this time. Nevermind that, but I think that it will be a shock and take some time getting used to, if indeed it is a boy. But even my mom is referring to it as a girl. She spent 15 minutes on the phone suggesting girl names. This baby is just radiating femininity I guess!!!

The only one really hoping for a boy (other than my mother-in-law), is Kierra. She would like a brother. The other two are adamant that they have a sister. They think boys are yucky. I tell them that they will love him if he's a boy. And honesty, we would be happy either way. I think we are influenced mostly by our track record. 3/3 kids so far are girls. I am so inclined to say Jarrett's sperm are predominately the X chromosome carriers. Of course I could be totally off on this one too.... which makes me want to know even more!

So I will continue to be obsessed with the mystery baby in my womb until such time I find out. Let's hope that this technician knows what an innie from an outie is, and that this baby is a show boater in there!! Because I think if they are unable to tell me, I'll drive everyone, including myself completely crazy!

ABNORMAL PARANORMAL?

Just a quick note about my pregnancy before I get into my topic: I'm feeling the baby really thumping in there (although no formal "kick"). It's hilarious how it just amazes me like it was the first time ever I felt a baby inside me move about. I'm waiting for my boot though - and I know hubby can't wait to feel this kiddo shimmy and shake! Oh - and I already got a referral to a REAL OBGYN! That was quick! They are supposed to call me this week to set up a date to come see him. So I guess the other doctor decided it was better for me to see this other guy instead. Whatever... as long as there is someone with a scalpel in February!

So lately I've been really into watching these paranormal shows. Like "Paranormal State" and "Haunting". I don't know why - but as much as these shows totally creep me out, I still love them!!! Not to mention all the creepy dreams I've been having lately. Like the other night I dreamt that vampires were trying to convert all the children at school!! I'm sure it has something to do with me watching these shows. That and Jarrett thinks it's hilarious when I start yelling "Why would he summon that????" and "Oh man I wouldn't live in THAT house!" But it gets me thinking about whether we all have some sort of ability to channel spirits? Not that I want to put theory to the test but I think on some level, we are all probably able to do this. I mean we use only a fraction of our brain's potential, so who would be so bold as to say what the under-utilized part is capable of? I'm not saying every person out there claiming to be a medium is real (a lot of people are out to make a buck in any shape or form), but you have to truly wonder about those that can nail things about people they've never met? How can it all just be a sheer coincidence?

Of course there are the nay sayers that don't believe in the paranormal, because they don't believe in the afterlife. Or they believe you go to Heaven or Hell... no one floats in between somewhere. But I still wonder... what if a spirit had unresolved issues and refused to pass on, or was unable to pass on? I mean what can we REALLY know about what happens after we die? I'm not talking about those people with the near-death experiences who say they saw a white light and their life flashed before their eyes. I'm just saying, how can we truly know what happens, or to what degree?

Personally I think there is more to life after death. I wouldn't be so bold as to say what I think happens to us. I mean I guess that would largely depend on our religious/spiritual beliefs, and what kind of person we were on Earth. And while I'm intrigued about the possibility that some individuals may communicate with people beyond the grave, I'm not going to start having seances or anything. I think toying with something that we can't begin to understand is just asking for trouble. And honestly, if I were ever in a situation where I thought I was in an exchange with something supernatural - I'd be high-tailing it out of there! But I can't help but wonder about the "what ifs" of the life/death paradigm.

What are your thoughts?

THE CRAZIES OF PREGNANCY

I'm now in the midst of my 16th week - and I think I've lost about 16% of my brain capacity. I can hardly formulate a sentence without looking like a complete idiot. Yup you guessed it... I have preggy brain!! Those who have experienced this know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. The lack of concentration, the inability to recall information (like when I was asked for my postal code and for the life of me, couldn't remember it). Or names... God forbid anyone who introduces themself to me. I just sit there thinking "Oh I won't remember who you are until some time next year you poor sap!" It's an actual REAL phenomenon for those of you unaware. Your brain actually SHRINKS during pregnancy. Must be the hormone thing I guess. Your brain shrinks and your ass widens. Seems like a fair trade off. I know my husband doesn't mind other assets of my pregnancy. Namely my illustrious bosom. Can't blame him - they are pretty spectacular. Too bad they hurt so much all the time.

As in any pregnancy, I had my first OB visit (I should clarify and say it wasn't the first time I saw a doctor; it was just until now I was seeing my family practitioner who kept making me pee on pregnancy tests and asking why I thought I was pregnant). See... there is a reason why he doesn't care for maternity patients. Nevertheless... where I live (Canada), or should I clarify WHERE I live (Alberta), there is a very uneven ratio of pregnant women to OB's. Like for every 100 pregnant women, there is 1 OB. Therefore you see doctors that practice maternal medicine, who aren't TECHNICALLY OBGYN's, but do delivery babies vaginally. As such, I'm considered low-risk and don't warrant the high-risk OBGYNS. Unless my baby has two heads, I'm going to the maternity clinic like all the other knocked up ladies.

So I FINALLY get my referral from crazy pregnancy-test GP to this nice clinic they just opened about five months ago. I meet the doctor's nurse, who is super sweet! Just the kind of person you feel instantly at ease with. We talk a few minutes and I casually mention I'll require a c-section because of my prior births. She looks at me and says, "Well you shouldn't have been referred here, you should have been directly referred to the high-risk clinic at the hospital with the actual OBGYN". *Sigh* - and then she tells me that they don't even take care of mandatory c-section patients. She excuses herself to talk to the doctor quickly, to see if he'll even see me. GREAT! I'm 16 weeks pregnant and no one wants to take care of me and my baby! She comes back in, and says Dr. B feels badly I've been run around the city and between people, and that he'd like to personally take me on as his patient until I'm 36 weeks, and he'll book me directly for the c-section and take care of the consultation with the surgeon for me!! WELL THAT'S BETTER! We pre-booked all my appointments with him until the end of January.

So feeling pretty special the nurse asks me to lift up my top so we can listen to the baby's heartbeat. I haven't heard it yet, so I happily whip out my belly for a listen. She tries for 10 minutes to find it, and can't. By that time I'm feeling a little worried. She's pretty quiet and I know what she's thinking "Where the heck are you?" She says she'll let Dr. B take a looksie (I hate when people say that; it's just their way of downplaying a potentially serious situation), and hopefully he'll find it. She leaves for about 5 minutes and he comes in all smiles. Says he heard the nurse couldn't find baby, and that sometimes that happens, but in some cases, the baby has died. GREAT!! Of course I was worrying the same thing, and he asks me if I felt it moving. I said I thought I had actually, but now I'm second-guessing fetal movement being gas. He said if he can't find it, I'll have to have a stat ultrasound to see if the baby is still viable. By this time I'm almost ready to burst into tears, fully anticipating he won't find the baby. He plops his Doppler down and IMMEDIATELY I hear the comforting "woosh woosh" of this little baby who was so shy 15 minutes earlier! I think I yelled "THERE YOU ARE!"... almost adding "you little shit!" It was in the 150's, and sounding great!! Once that was over with, he said I was looking good weight and blood pressure wise, and he'd see me in October!!

Now I know a lot of people have had the same experience where they had a baby that was shy and hiding about, not making it easy to hear the heartbeat. I don't think there is anyone that is rational though when this happens. I think we ALL fear the worst possible scenario. Thank God mine didn't come to fruition. But I will admit to anyone reading that when the nurse first left to get the doctor, I prayed to God that this baby was fine, and the doctor would be able to find the heartbeat right away. Isn't that what we do for any of our children though? Ask God for those little miracles all along the way? And I know that not all prayers are answered. But I'm thankful that He saw fit to answer that one.

I know I'm going to have a lot more of these little experiences before I meet this little one. I'll be praying that the AFP/triple screen comes out negative. I'll be praying that the ultrasound in October shows a healthy, wonderful baby. I'll be praying that the GD test comes back negative. I'll be praying like crazy before the c-section. It's a wonder that I'll get to enjoy any of this pregnancy the way I fret like a complete neurotic. And the funniest part is when you hold that baby in your arms, all the worries and the prayers are worth it. And you are just thankful to finally be in that moment. Months of morning sickness, forgetfulness, constipation, braxton hicks, worrying.... it all boils down to one single moment. And isn't it worth it?

OH... I GUESS I FAILED TO MENTION

It's probably time I've come out with it. I DO have a little tidbit I've been withholding for a while now. Call it superstitious or what have you, but I now feel ready to say we are expecting baby number four!!

I am currently 15 weeks pregnant, which puts me at around February 25th for a due date. We are super excited, but mostly because we thought that we weren't going to have this opportunity again. Background:

With our twins, we had tried for about 2 1/2 years to get pregnant to no avail. It finally took three IVF attempts (number three was the lucky one), and had our lovely twin girls. After that, we were just so happy to have two healthy babies, we thought anything else after that was just a bonus. 10 1/2 months after the twins were born, I peed on a stick and got my third baby. Yes a total shocker, since we were told we only had a 7% chance of conceiving naturally. But that's okay - we were thrilled to have another (even though that meant three babies under the age of 19 months!).

When Jarrett and I got married, we always tossed around the number of kids we wanted. We both definitely wanted two, and I was leaning towards a third. When I was preggers with number three, Jarrett told me, "We're outnumbered anyways, why not go for number four?" I told him one thing at a time. My uterus was still occupied and that was the last thing on my mind. Once I had Karis, I wasn't really thinking babies, mostly because I was EXTREMELY busy with the three I now had, and Kierra was diagnosed with Autism shortly thereafter. I knew I didn't want Jarrett to get the big-V though. I just didn't know what I wanted. I think timing was a huge issue for us: we didn't have the time or energy to entertain the thought of another baby. We needed things to calm down a lot, and to mainly get Kierra's therapy and progress to a certain point. But about 3 years after Karis was born I started to think that I really did want another baby. After much discussion, we decided to wait until we felt things with Kierra were going much better; basically that I would have the time to properly give ALL these kids my attention. When we finally got to that point, we decided to go full-force ahead. AND... felt that we were re-living the whole "not getting knocked up" past, because after one year - still no baby. Won't lie and say it wasn't hugely disappointing. I mean I knew that old song and dance routine pretty well. I tried to not let it get to me. I mean we knew our odds were low, and maybe Karis was just that miracle baby - that lone 7% chance. Plus I already had three lovely little girls.

I'd pretty much all but given up. 16 months later, I'm thinking "Hmmmmmm, my chart is pretty uncharacteristic, and I'm pretty tired". Decide to wait it out a few days, because honestly I was sick of peeing on sticks for no reason at all. Finally caved and low and behold, a big old + came up! I think I started to yell and cry at the same time, because I was totally shocked and thrilled!! I mean I think we both had come to the conclusion that this wasn't going to happen for us. But if I've ever learned anything, it's that God works in mysterious ways.

So here I am: still in disbelief at times that I'm actually having another baby! It's funny how I've forgotten all those little nuances of pregnancy. Of course I don't know what I'm having yet (I'm thinking girl though), and I hope to find out in October sometime. In any case, we are just hoping for healthy because really it doesn't matter if it's an innie or an outtie. I can't wait to see her little face, to hear her little cries. To smell that sweet smell that all newborns have. And to finally complete my family. All I know is that all my of my pregnancies are a miracle to me. It doesn't matter if it was a medical miracle or just the kind that God surprises you with. I just feel blessed.