Monday, September 24, 2007

WEDDINGS MAKE ME CRY...

Whew!!

It's amazing how life can be time-consuming huh? By the time I have time to sit down and write something, my mind is drawing a complete blank as to what I should write about. So I'll backtrack a bit - because I tend to do this when I haven't written in a bit.

To back up, my sister's wedding was interesting. As I mentioned before, it was a dry wedding so NO booze. It was Christian music only, so it's not like I was dancing my sober ass off to Sexyback. But, to be fair, it closed down really early. How could you expect it not to? I still wasn't a part of anything, other than the wife of the MC and the sister of the bride. But to be fair, the day wasn't about me.

The ceremony itself was nice. My sister looked awesome, and I'm very happy for them. Actually cried when she walked down the isle. His family is a bunch of cracker jacks - simply put. They acted like our side of the family was a bunch of heathens. Not sure why. His sisters are control freaks from hell, operating under the "holier than thou" premise. They were like gangsters controlling the ceremony programs. A lovely pair those two. His parents weren't much better. Funny story, I went through the receiving line and when I got to his dad, he asks me, "so who are you here for?" I kind of looked at him confused by his tone of voice, and said, "R is my sister." He LITERALLY looked at my chest, and dragged my hand away to get me out of the line!! I couldn't believe it!! I was only wearing a spaghetti strap style dress that came at my knee level. Nothing slutty about it. However, I guess if you compare it to everyone else's dresses... Just because I didn't have my collar buttoned to my eyebrows? I immediately felt embarrassed and pissed off - and wanted to go home. My brother, his fiancee, my best friend, my husband - all assured me I didn't look like a hooker. But for fun, for the rest of the night, everyone referred to me as the family tart. We still all managed to be the crude people we are. We figured if we are all going to hell, might as well go there being happy!

After dinner, a bunch of us went to the hotel bar and bought our "own" drinks. We couldn't handle it anymore - the sanctimonious attitude. I mean Jesus turned water into wine. At church, we drink the blood of Christ (a.k.a. wine). I'm thinking it's probably ok by Jesus to enjoy a sip or two. As such, we sat down and the guys watched the football game. We ended up missing the first dance actually (that's fine), and the bouquet toss (I can't catch it anyways, I'm married remember?) and the garter toss (I don't have a penis so I'm not eligible for this event either). At some point in the night, the wedding in the next banquet hall had turmoil. One of their bridesmaids collapsed and was being intubated in the hotel lobby. Pretty serious situation. While paramedics were there and all, I left them be in spite of my wound. I danced with my brother who seriously hurt my shoulder spinning me around, and he cut my foot up stepping on it. Cut to the point of blood. I'm serious - cut it up. Does he have razor blades in the soles of his shoes? I have a huge gouge in the top of my foot. I wasn't the only one. Both my nieces had bleeding blisters from the shoes their mom made them wear. All kids left the hotel without shoes and crying.

Once the wedding let out, around 11:30pm - we all went back to mom and dads. The true high-light of the night was when my grandma came downstairs and someone said, "Here's grandma" and she went to do this fancy bow - and let us this huge, greasy fart! At first no one said anything, until my lovely nephew started to crack up. We all couldn't help it - we started to laugh too. I shared my traumatizing "tit stare" story again with the family because let's face it - it was rude. And while this is the important point, I still have a few interesting facts that I have learned:

A) Just because you are religious, doesn't mean you can treat people like crap because (be honest old man), you are a man, and you were checking out my rack and got caught. Don't act like an asshole because you felt guilty looking at the Jezebel relative of your daughter-in-law.

B) My family still has their issues, especially uncles who can't let things go from when I was 17 years old (please get over it sir). I told you that you were stupid over 15 years ago. I was a teenager - we say this stuff!! Could you stop bringing it up at every family function? It's getting old.

C) Never buy Kierra a dress with hand-stitched beading, unless you don't care that she spends the evening plucking them off. She doesn't acknowledge you spent a ton on it, or that her mother can't fix it because she's totally incapable of even sewing a button on.

D) Don't dance with my brother - unless you have good insurance. Cut it up - I'm serious!

E) Don't stand behind Grandma unless you have a sinus infection, or are doing a Jackass-like skit. Old people fart a lot and usually don't care too much. They figure they've been alive this long; it's their God-given right to fart whenever they feel like it (although I think sometimes they don't even know they are going to, or have done it).

Have a great day!

7 comments:

Sunshine said...

I have no specific comments....this whole post was hilarious!

Lainey-Paney said...

man, I want a drink just reading about it.

...your post had me cracking up.

:)

Jenny said...

A) You could’ve put him on the spot and asked why he was inspecting your clothes – or what was under them.
B) Don’t they all? You could call him something else so that he has something new and more recent to talk about at family gatherings for a while.
C) I’ve already come to that realization about my own daughter watching her pick at her shirts, shoes, barettes, etc., even if there’s nothing on them to even come off! Heaven forbid if she actually had something like a dress full of beads to pick at. But, you live and learn…
D) I wouldn’t dance with my brother anyway, but maybe next time pack a pair of steel-toed shoes so maybe you won’t mind so much.
E) I have 2 aunts that are ultra-conservative, religious people – who will fart anytime, anywhere in front of anyone. I’m with you on avoiding their back sides.

F) Glad you’re back and had a (relatively) fun time!!

DariDonovan said...

Great story and yes the old dude was checking you out. You should have told him that you were BLESSED and you appreciated his acknowledgement of such said blessing, lol.

Whew, sounds like the sister is gonna have her hands full with that bunch and then some.

As for Grandma, she saved the day and brought the house down with laughter, lmao. Something everyone seemed to need.

Noemi said...

This was way too funny....

I needed the laugh...

We have missed you here in the blog world.

Slick said...

A wedding I wouldn't crash, for sure...

Now will your keep your tush home? geeez-us!

Catwoman said...

Absolutely hysterical!

What's funny is that I had a similar experience. I volunteered at a consigment sale last week to get first dibs on the stuff and this old woman came in and asked me questions about the sale. She was standing, I was sitting down at a cash register. Well, the shirt I was wearing was the same one I'd worn to work that morning, so not exactly something slutty! Apparently, it had slipped down a little bit and because I was leaning forward, you could see a hint of cleavage.

The old lady all of sudden leans towards me and says "the proverb says that one should never look down upon a woman's bossom."

At first I was really confused, and then I realized she was pretty much telling me that I was a whore with my boobs hanging out.

Totally humiliated me and pissed me off.

Maybe she's related to your sister's in-laws?