Friday, September 28, 2007

THE HOUSEWIFE'S GUIDE TO HIDING RISQUE ITEMS

In about two weeks, I'll be sunning myself on the deck of a ship in Bajas. Ah lovely!! Can't wait. I have been going out and getting things I need for the trip. Well not "need" but like. A few new bathing suits, cover ups... can't find a wide brimmed hat because I waited too long and now everything is made of wool. I refuse to wear a fedora. I'm not Britney Spears, and will not be getting out of my car with my hat and without underwear in the elementary school parking lot. Call it tact if you like. So I'm feeling pretty good that I have everything I need for my trip.

But then I realized I have a LOT to do before I go. My mom was gracious to come to take care of the kids for me. But this also means getting a lot of stuff organized before she gets here. That requires making a zillion lists of things she needs to know about. Doctors, school info, routines... My mom will have to drive the twins to and from school; and she has no clue where that is. She'll have to deal with the therapists that will be here in the mornings. Any play dates will have to be re-scheduled and I have to call to cancel the ballet class. I'm not going to subject my mom to watching little girls running around like cannibals in pink tutus.

Did I mention I'm glad to get away from all of it?

My trip also involves cleaning my house like I have OCD. Because my mom won't tell me something isn't clean, she'll just clean it and tell me about it later. "I cleaned the drain in your shower... did you realize how much hair was in there?" Thanks mom. I was actually saving that to make Jarrett's uncle a hair piece. Honestly my shower hair would look much better than what he has now. "I cleaned your freezer, did you realize you have three racks of freezer-burnt ribs in there?" Thanks mom. I was saving those for the next time my inlaws were out. I actually am more anal about a clean house around my mother than his. Maybe because she tells me my sister's house is a disaster zone. She was at my sister's taking care of her kids while they went on their honeymoon. I can only imagine how her house looked when she got back. Immaculate, shiny and notably commented on. I could only imagine the comments in reverse.

So last night Jarrett asked me if I started on the prep work for mom's visit. I told him not yet, I'm too lazy. He smiles and asked me what I was planning on doing about my bedside drawer. I looked at him confused and said, "What do you mean?" He laughed and said, "Maybe you should open it". Low and behold I realize what he's getting at. I have a sort of *ahem" collection of items we have for getting down and funky in the bedroom. Not the sort of thing you want you mother to happen to come across in her cleaning snoopiness. Could you imagine? "I cleaned out your bedside table and organized all your sex toys. Oh and your lube is getting close to it's expiration date." Thanks mom. I think I could possibly die. I mean there are things that shouldn't be known between mom and daughter. I'm thinking this is one of them. I looked at my husband lovingly and said, "Why darling, I'll just put it in YOUR bedside table". He laughed, stopped and asked me if I was serious. We then discussed where to harbor all the evidence that I do indeed have sex. (I don't know why this should matter. I'm 31, married and pay my own mortgage). We figured the big box in the basement should do it. OH that sounded bad. We don't actually require a big box, it wouldn't be full believe me. I just don't have very small boxes laying around. LOL yah that's it.

Then again... if I leave things as they are this may be the answer I'm looking for. It may just stop the incessant digging around my drawers wouldn't it? My mother ribbed me for the underwear I have. I guess she expected full bottomed Fruit of the Loom or something. Instead she found the spectrum rainbow of thongs. By the way, it's a little creepy when you come home from picking up some groceries and your mom is folding your thongs on the kitchen table. "Just saw that you had some laundry in the dryer to be folded. How can these be comfortable". Thanks mom. Seriously though, I have to re-locate the stuff. I can't have mom going into cardiac arrest with my children in the house.

So do any of you have a funny story of the time you didn't think of what you had lingering in your bedside table and it was accidentally happened upon? C'mon admit it for those that have. After all, we are all adults here ;)

11 comments:

slackermommy said...

I don't have any stories...yet. But if I don't move all the lingerie, massage lotion, astroglide and other unmentionables to a better location I may have a story to share. It's only a matter of time before my kids find if not already.

Teri Kathleen said...

My husband, as a teen, found his parents' comasutra(sp?) book. He also walked in on them having sex. Beyond that, I got nothing. I don't have any sex toys aside from my husband (i'm not into kinky), and even my lingerie isn't all that riske(sp?).

Maria said...

God, you are such a grown up. The one time that my sister came over to get the mail for us while we were on vacation for a week, Bing and I deliberately put out every sex book we owned plus some toys that we have never used. We set them in a big shoe box next to the bed, knowing that she would snoop.

She never said a word to me but I could tell that she had peeked...

And the thing is...we have never used sex toys ever....most of them were things one of us bought as a gag, etc.

I think the handcuffs may have really, really scared her. I just wish that we had a whip....or better yet, a maid outfit.

Have a wonderful trip.

Mommy's Getaway (TamP) said...

I am not admitting to anything that could be used against me in a court of law.

*wink*


LMAO!

Mrs. Schmitty said...

A few years ago we were moving some furniture around in the house. A neighbor was helping Mr. Schmitty move one of our dressers. I should say, MY dresser. The neighbor carried my top drawer past me. I almost fainted. Not only was it my bra and underwear drawer but..."ahem" there were a few other items sitting right there in plain sight.

Anonymous said...

We just left our children with my parents for the first time in 5 years. We took it with us- just in case.

Mom on Coffee said...

My story, so completely embarassing. While my mom was watching the kids one night, they were all on our bed watching TV. My then 2 year old, pressed play on the VCR. Yeah, you know whats coming and you're right.

We got home, the video was on top of my dresser. With a note.

ACK. Can't believe I actually shared that with anyone...

Janis said...

Well Elle I never would have GUESSED that about you!! Wow the things you learn on a Sunday...

hehe, nah, well my story is similar to Mrs Schmitty's...I was moving into DH's house before we were married and DH's friend and he were moving the bedside tables..well I guess things shifted in the drawer and "BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" all of a sudden the drawer is vibrating. Dh's friend and he both looked at each other and the friend says "She's YOUR girlfriend"

Janis said...

Oh and I had to LMAO on your Mom folding your thongs!! I have come home to that exact same senario and YES it is a bit more than disturbing!!! lmao

Gretchen said...

OMG YES! When I was moving, my mother and brother were helping move my stuff.

Well, when hubby was in the military, he sent me a "toy" as a joke and I just stuck it under the bed. I completely forgot about it until they found it.

Mom never said a word, but brother dear still laughs at me about it.

Jenny said...

LOL!! Glad to hear you found a big enough box!!

When my hubby and I were moving into the teeny crappy house from whence we just moved, I was at work and his mother was helping him move some stuff. I guess he lifted up our mattress while she was in the room and one of my thongs was underneath. His mother picked ... it ... up ... and asked him what it was. He told her it was my underwear. She said something about it not possibly covering my ass (duh, it's a thong). I guess he laughed and told her that my ass is a lot smaller than hers and stuffed the underwear in his pocket. How bizarre is it that she doesn't like me?? :o)