THE HOUSEWIFE'S GUIDE TO HIDING RISQUE ITEMS

In about two weeks, I'll be sunning myself on the deck of a ship in Bajas. Ah lovely!! Can't wait. I have been going out and getting things I need for the trip. Well not "need" but like. A few new bathing suits, cover ups... can't find a wide brimmed hat because I waited too long and now everything is made of wool. I refuse to wear a fedora. I'm not Britney Spears, and will not be getting out of my car with my hat and without underwear in the elementary school parking lot. Call it tact if you like. So I'm feeling pretty good that I have everything I need for my trip.

But then I realized I have a LOT to do before I go. My mom was gracious to come to take care of the kids for me. But this also means getting a lot of stuff organized before she gets here. That requires making a zillion lists of things she needs to know about. Doctors, school info, routines... My mom will have to drive the twins to and from school; and she has no clue where that is. She'll have to deal with the therapists that will be here in the mornings. Any play dates will have to be re-scheduled and I have to call to cancel the ballet class. I'm not going to subject my mom to watching little girls running around like cannibals in pink tutus.

Did I mention I'm glad to get away from all of it?

My trip also involves cleaning my house like I have OCD. Because my mom won't tell me something isn't clean, she'll just clean it and tell me about it later. "I cleaned the drain in your shower... did you realize how much hair was in there?" Thanks mom. I was actually saving that to make Jarrett's uncle a hair piece. Honestly my shower hair would look much better than what he has now. "I cleaned your freezer, did you realize you have three racks of freezer-burnt ribs in there?" Thanks mom. I was saving those for the next time my inlaws were out. I actually am more anal about a clean house around my mother than his. Maybe because she tells me my sister's house is a disaster zone. She was at my sister's taking care of her kids while they went on their honeymoon. I can only imagine how her house looked when she got back. Immaculate, shiny and notably commented on. I could only imagine the comments in reverse.

So last night Jarrett asked me if I started on the prep work for mom's visit. I told him not yet, I'm too lazy. He smiles and asked me what I was planning on doing about my bedside drawer. I looked at him confused and said, "What do you mean?" He laughed and said, "Maybe you should open it". Low and behold I realize what he's getting at. I have a sort of *ahem" collection of items we have for getting down and funky in the bedroom. Not the sort of thing you want you mother to happen to come across in her cleaning snoopiness. Could you imagine? "I cleaned out your bedside table and organized all your sex toys. Oh and your lube is getting close to it's expiration date." Thanks mom. I think I could possibly die. I mean there are things that shouldn't be known between mom and daughter. I'm thinking this is one of them. I looked at my husband lovingly and said, "Why darling, I'll just put it in YOUR bedside table". He laughed, stopped and asked me if I was serious. We then discussed where to harbor all the evidence that I do indeed have sex. (I don't know why this should matter. I'm 31, married and pay my own mortgage). We figured the big box in the basement should do it. OH that sounded bad. We don't actually require a big box, it wouldn't be full believe me. I just don't have very small boxes laying around. LOL yah that's it.

Then again... if I leave things as they are this may be the answer I'm looking for. It may just stop the incessant digging around my drawers wouldn't it? My mother ribbed me for the underwear I have. I guess she expected full bottomed Fruit of the Loom or something. Instead she found the spectrum rainbow of thongs. By the way, it's a little creepy when you come home from picking up some groceries and your mom is folding your thongs on the kitchen table. "Just saw that you had some laundry in the dryer to be folded. How can these be comfortable". Thanks mom. Seriously though, I have to re-locate the stuff. I can't have mom going into cardiac arrest with my children in the house.

So do any of you have a funny story of the time you didn't think of what you had lingering in your bedside table and it was accidentally happened upon? C'mon admit it for those that have. After all, we are all adults here ;)