SLEEP... I NEED SLEEP!!!

I'm having one of those evenings where I'm tired, and I can't fall asleep. It's insomnia for dummies. I took a melatonin about an hour ago, and I think it's finally kicking in. I'm not quite "there" yet (this would mean to the point I'm so tired, I don't care that my husband is snoring in my face). I hope to be there soon.

I get like this every once in a while. It's not for any real reason, mostly because my stupid brain won't shut off. It's stuck in auto-pilot and demanding my conscious attention. Like what I did today, conversations I had... mindless stuff that would make any normal person fall asleep within three seconds from the sheer boredom. I knew from about 8:00 onwards this was going to happen because I was getting the jittery legs. That's usually my tell-tale sign that I'm on a high anxiety level. Perhaps if I did a few jumping jacks, I could mellow out. But since I already took off my bra for the night, I won't be doing that. They aren't mighty, but hey - they still hurt when you jump around unsupported.

So I guess I'll recap today's events: IPP Meeting. It was, more or less, a complete waste of gasoline. By the way... how you liking those gas prices? Pretty grotestque wouldn't you say? It's already 109.9 here in Canada. I remember thinking 103 was high. They say it's going much higher soon. My husband loves it. He works for an oil pipeline company. In the end, it lines his pockets. Sorry it's the truth. Please don't throw flaming bags of poo at my house. I digress: the trip was a waste of over-priced fuel. I reminded myself why I hate the drivers around here - they are idiots. They are practically driving so far up your ass, you feel the need to stop and ask them if they plan on buying me dinner after. But I did arrive at said destination, did the meeting (which was pointless). All we talked about is whether Kierra is saying consonant/vowel words properly, and why she won't go into a public restroom with a self-flushing toilet. Sigh! Educated minds hard at work. On a good note, it was the consensus that she's doing really well, and has been consistent in her progress since she first started up with the Foundation a little over two years ago. Everyone agrees she's always changing in a positive way (tell that to the mom who scrubbed red permanent marker off the same kid three days before). After, I took the kids to McDonalds - that was the highlight of the day since I'm dieting now.

I'm still awake... why am I still awake?????????

Kierra got her first invitation to a birthday party this Saturday. Seems odd to be excited about it, but this is the first time Kierra has gotten invited to a birthday. Usually Jenna is the only one invited. So I'm kinda excited for her! I also took the kids to get their ears pierced last Friday. Jenna has been hounding me forever, and finally we decided "fine let's do it". Karis chimmed in that she wanted some too, so I took all three girls to get their ears pierced. Jenna got hers, and hardly winced. She was very proud. Kierra watched Jenna, and then decided no thanks I'll pass. Karis decided she wanted those earrings, and she got them, along with screaming in my ear for about two mintues after they were finished putting them in. I got the nastiest look from an older woman. You'd think I just branded the child with a cattle prod or something! Sheesh! So Jenna spent the entire day afterwards telling her teacher she was royalty now. Wow - is that all it takes in this day and age? Some purple stone earrings?

I'm slowly becoming delusional with fatigue....

My neighbor keeps asking me how my purse is... like it's a sick child. I get that it's a Louis Vuitton purse, and it's lovely... but why ask me about it every time you see me? She's asked me three times now, "How is the purse?", another day "oh so you are out with your purse huh?" OKAY, it's not like I'm convorting around the City with some hot Italian guy that's not my husband. It's a freakin' purse! I'm starting to avoid meeting her out in the driveways - it's become a source of... well weirdness. I'm begining to think that I'd get less attention if I was carrying around one of those useless teacup dogs around under my arm (which by the way, I totally don't get the appeal of that). Besides, my purse doesn't shit in my house. Case closed - purse wins hands down as preferred accessory. Even so I'm still quite mystified about why so many questions.

Almost ready to go to bed now.....

My husband was kind enough to spring for a plane ticket to go to my brother's engagement social. For those of you unfamiliar with this concept: it's like a social event that charges money for entrance, and for drinks... you booze it up and you exchange nice with other people, and the proceeds go towards the bride and groom's wedding. So this is at the end of April. I'm going alone, since flying with three kids is a waste of money for one week-end. It should be a fun time. Plus, I can poke at my sister's expanding middle.

OK I'm officially done. I don't even think I'm talking clearly at this point. I've forgotten the previous sentence before I even started to write the next. You know you are ready to snooze when it gets to that point. Plus now I have to haul my ass up the stairs.... I wonder if the landing is a comfortable place to crash????

IPP TIME

It's that bi-annual time of year again.... IPP week for Kierra. Bah - can I just say how much of a love/hate relationship I have with this?

For those of you clueless of what an IPP is, it's basically a fifteen inch thick document that spells out all the goals you have for your child, the areas you want worked on, and how those goals are broken down. It's reviewed once a year, and you rate how far your child has come on that specific goal. If she/he has reached it, you add a new goal, or you modify it. Kierra has this ability to fulfill them before the IPP actually is written out and given to the parent to sign. For her, we have a speech therapist, occupational therapist, a child psychologist, me, a child-developmental specialist and our team leader.

So after about a month of the new team leader trying to convince me to have it at the main office, across the City, at 8:00 am (no dice lady - it would take me over an hour to drive there in rush-hour traffic), we settled for this morning. I don't actually want to go there. In the past they held the meetings at my house. Apparently they don't have the burning desire to impress me anymore, because they are making me haul my three kids and the CDS there instead. That and I can't find my actual IPP copy at home.

It is getting harder and harder every year to think of reasons why Kierra should still qualify for her therapy funding. For PUF (provincial funding), she just has to have documentation that supports that she has a disability. For FSCD, we have to prove she is severe in two or more areas. We are loosing the occupational therapy battle at this point. All we have left to counter-attack with is speech (which is an obvious deficiency) and her behavioral issues (ie: psychology). I had to think of all the ways that Kierra basically.... sucks (for lack of a better word). Nothing more unsettling than picking apart your child's weak areas.

So anyways, we'll be reviewing everything, seeing how she's progressed since August, and where she hasn't progressed much, write another IPP, and go from there. I'll be sure to post how it turns out. But for now, I need to get ready for the dragrace I call the Deerfoot to get to this appointment. Pray for our souls as we drive down this vortex of evil where the concept of braking is obsolete, as is the speed limit.

THE GREAT MARK-UP

I was on the phone with my good friend Christy when all of a sudden my husband yells in a horrified way that makes mother's think their child is missing a limb from a freak blender accident or decided to drink Draino. Instead I get a horrified, "Help here please!" I go around the corner expecting the worse and what I find is Kierra with red, permanent Sharpie marker drawings all over her face! I must admit, she did a stellar job because she even attempted to make whiskers for herself.

My first reaction is to laugh, (well maybe not my first reaction: my first is to deliver an "upside of the head" smack to my husband who totally freaked me out). So after that initial response, I would choose to laugh - but only until my husband points out she also had taken the liberty of decorating one of my kitchen chairs and the table top. Ok so maybe not so funny now. My third reaction is to grab a baby wipe and try to get this marker off. All this time my friend is still on the phone getting a good laugh at my expense. She has a 18 month old. I nicely remind her that there will be a day HER daughter marks up her face. She referenced that "Friends" episode when Ross writes on Rachel's face with a permanent black marker and she gets back at him the same way.

Anyways, I think for a moment because this baby wipe ain't doing diddly squat. I tried lotion, I tried oil - NADA. I then remember that hairspray will get rid of ink stains from a ballpoint pen, so why not marker? It's a logical assumption. I go and fetch Jarrett's hairspray (I don't really wear any), and we pin her on the floor. Jarrett is fighting off this blonde, red-faced banshee as I scrub her face with hairspray. VOILA! It's successful and after about 15 mintues of defacing her... er um face, she's squeaky clean again. Work of art disappeared! She's not too impressed with us at this point, but honestly who cares? It's either the hairspray or going out in public with red whiskers and everyone pointing and laughing. The table and chair were easily fixed: I did have a Mr. Clean magic eraser handy. MAN THOSE THINGS KICK ASS!! Don't worry - I didn't attempt to use it on my kids face. Not only would I just never do that, but I have a friend who went for a spray tan and it was poorly done.... she used a magic eraser to try to get it off her legs. All she got for her efforts were very badly rashed legs. I mean it DID get it off quite a bit, but I have it on good authority to say the fake tan looked better than her Mr. Clean mangled legs.

You also know I'M the one that got in shit for the marker. My husband says, "Well why was that marker in the drawer?" Say excuse me? WHO was supposed to be watching? And why can't I have a marker in my kitchen drawer (well except for now the obvious answer). After this I can say I did look through all the drawers and pull out anything permanent. No I didn't think to take a picture (I actually thought she'd be sporting her new look for a week). But let this be a lesson to any of you with children: Just because they haven't done it, and you don't think they'd do it - it doesn't mean they won't!

LURKING AND LURCHING

OK I've noticed that I have a few lurkers that frequent this blog quite often. Now is your chance to introduce yourself and make yourself known! C'mon don't be shy. I promise I won't bite you.

In other news, I decided three days ago that I was sick and tired of being lazy, so I decided to hit my home-gym. Down there I have an elliptical machine, a fancy treadmill I convinced my husband I desperately needed, and a Bo-Flex. Not to mention DVD's on pilates, Tae-Bo, aerobics and anything else remotely "trendy at the time". So the first day I decided to jog a bit, and do some pilates. I did so with as much grace as a hippo getting an enema. BUT I did do it! The next day my inner thighs hurt, and not for the right reasons. So the next day, I run again, and I do much better this time... and then I did about 40 minutes of weight training on the Bo-Flex. I eyed up the elliptical machine and figured, eh I'll get to that another day. This morning I can feel the burn in my legs still from those evil pilates, but I hoist myself on the treadmill, turn up the ipod and give it a go for an hour. I ran about 6 km's in that 60 minutes (which is in hindsight a little over 3 miles). Everything hurts, I refused to do pilates, Bo-Flex and gave the elliptical machine the finger. Ah the quest for better glutes I tell ya.

Don't get me wrong - it's for my own good. I need to stop being the winter hermit I am and repeating "once the snow is gone I'll go running". Well let's be realistic, that's not until May really. So what am I really giving myself? Four months of runable outside weather? Not to mention, I can't control the hills on the real terraine but I sure can on the treadmill. My subdivision is in the foothills so is extremely steep in some areas. Last year it took me a good two weeks of straight running to make it up the hill without stopping, clutching my side and crying on some poor sap's lawn. Not to mention, I don't appreciate having doberman's running after my ass because the guy 6 houses down doesn't believe in tying up dogs.

Anyways, I could use all the moral support you can muster. My husband is supportive in the sense he just likes to see me in those little Nike shorts of mine. That perv. Gives me a creative idea on how to get his lazy butt up off the couch though ;)

HEARING HER VOICE

It's so funny - I realized that I haven't written a "Kierra" posting in a while. Mostly my entries have been mind-fluff. I mean don't get me wrong - I enjoy writing them, and I like having a humorous side when I write. Life can't always be serious. But lately I haven't been really "down-to-earth" about things rattling around in my mind. Maybe I've been so busy lately, I haven't really let the quiet sink in and let my mind wander round. Yesterday, however, I was able to hear my mind talking to me as I watching my child playing in the playground.

Me and Jarrett took the girls to the park to play. It was a beautiful day with +10 weather! It was like springtime in February!! Snow melting, freshess in the air that you can't help but open up a window and let that sunshine in. So I sat on a bench. Jarrett was pushing Karis on the swing, and she was screaming shrilly on the top of her lungs, "higher daddy higher!" Jenna found a little girl about her age to play with - the two of them running around with pigtails flying out behind them. In all this I scanned the playscapes for Kierra, who I found trying to slide herself up and down this pole, happiest smile on her face. This is a child whose smile could light up anyone's heart. I smile to myself and watch as the sun dances on her hair, giving her this golden halo. I can hear her humming to herself as she often does. I sometimes wonder if this is her way of singing... or is just like a happy reflex; kind of like when a kitten purs? I know it's a happy sound, because I can see the sheer contentment on her face. So lucky to have this feeling. It's a sensation adults seem to lose as responsibilities grow.

Then she picks something off of the ground and puts it in her mouth. I quickly ran over to her, and told her to spit it out - finding that it was only a rock. But then it hits me: my daughter is almost six years old. She doesn't really talk a whole lot outside of the babyish words she's developed in the last year (each one of which I'm terribly thankful for). She does things that are obviously not age-appropriate. And with each passing year, she commands more stares than she used to. People "knowing" now that there is definately something not quite right about my child. And while she is not an embarrassment to me, it still makes me sad. Because the ability for her to live in a life that is veiled is dwindling quickly. It's not about living in denial about the situation though. It's about protecting someone I love. It worries me that I can't always be there to shield her from ignorance. People stare at her, whisper behind our backs. Sometimes I want to lash out and yell at them - to stop making my little girl a source of their conversation. It hurts me because I already see how children avoid her because she's "strange". Birthday party invitations have come home for Jenna, but not for Kierra. Emails asking Jenna over for playdates but never for Kierra to join in the fun. And in spite of it all, Kierra always has her beautiful smile radiating strong. I think she might be stronger than me - my autistic child. These things that weigh heavy on my heart and mind don't seem to hold her down in the least bit. I envy this in her.

It's funny but someone labeled Kierra as a disabled child not too long ago. I understand this term, and I know Kierra is, in fact, disabled. However I still look at that word and think it doesn't belong to Kierra. I have never looked at her autism as a disablity. It's strange because at first I thought it was because I refused to accept it. But now I understand it for being something entirely different. Although other people may see her with the label "disabled" - I refuse to look at her any different than her sisters. Not because I'm pretending there is no difference (there is definately a difference), but because all three of my children are unique. Kierra's autism doesn't make Jenna or Karis more "normal" to me. They are each special in their own little way. Karis is a cuddly little girl, who commands the stage and loves to joke. Jenna is more serious and thoughtful and loves to learn the answers to everything. Kierra is my soulful girl that has more to say about life than she can physically put out there. All I really want in this life is for the world to hear her voice. And while it may mean dealing with people who are to careless to listen; I will always be there to shout to the world for her as long as she needs me to.

No I don't look at my daughter as someone in this world living with a diability. I look at my daughter as someone in this world living. I can only hope other people will take a moment and see this too.

WELL....... DID SHE OR DIDNT' SHE?

The question burning on your minds (well the less important burning question) is...


DID I GET THE PURSE????




WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Now ask yourself, would your husband go through the trouble of getting the box, but put something else in it as a joke? Sounds pretty mean doesn't it? I mean whose husband would do something so cold-hearted and mean?



Not mine, although he actually entertained the idea. He decided against it just in case his valentine went postal and beat him to death with the box. So I was kinda surprised but not totally obviously. But I was because with Jarrett, you never can tell what he's up to! He made the statement "I'll never understand why you love these so much, but I understand why I love you so much"........ and then some comment about not bringing it into the bed with us. He had to admit, he was totally stoked about giving it to me. He knows how long I've been eyeing these, and how much I wanted one. My last attempt was thwarted (I got screwed over by a seller on Ebay), so now I have the legit.

Can I just say I know some of you probably are with my husband... you just don't GET it. That's okay - no one ever claimed fetishes were about common sense. You have to look at it from my perspective. I am a purse junkie. I am not interested in rehab either... I LOVE PURSES!!! As my husband laments, I have a LOT of purses. It's not on the verge of being unhealthy yet, but yeah, it's a lot of purses. Think about fetishes if you will (not the kinky ones... please keep those to yourself). Some people love shoes, others love jewelry (well so do I)... hell some people collect Fabrigee eggs. Me? Purses! This is like the ultimate purse for me!!

While I drift in my euphoria of Louis Vuitton, tell me... what is your passion for? What are you addicted to? I'm sure there are a few of you out there who share my insane addiction. But I'm interested in those other items that you just can't live without (or can't stay away from oogling).

I hope you all have a fab Valentine's Day!!!!!! Much love and hugs wished to you all!

IT'S HERE!

I know, I know... how sad am I that I'm greatly anticipating Pottery Barn bedding this much? Probably makes you wonder what I'm lacking in other departments in my life. This morning I went to the mailbox to find the little "delivery" flyer telling me my package was here!!! I was a little worried to look to see how much duty I had to pay on it, but it was only $24.00 (I can handle that). I got to the post office, and they gave me this box that resembled something that a suicide bomber would have strapped to him. I mean there was huge gaps in the side of the box, crushed down... tape missing. I instantly though, "Oh great, another purchase from Ebay gone down the shitter". I even went so far as to take pictures of the package exterior before I opened it, in case things had fallen out and I could prove it was because of the shotty packaging.

And you know what? It was actually ALL there and in one piece! I was pretty amazed. Angels sang from the heavens in perfect harmony. I couldn't even wait to get home to see everything. I opened it in the school parking lot while waiting for the twins get be released. My other two friends were just as eager to see it as I was... and we all ooowed and awwwed over the linens like they were made of 18 carat gold or something. This just goes to show you that once you're a mom, things like cute bedding are exciting. I have to admit, it is exceptionally sweet and Karis' room is going to be so pretty!!! Now lies the task of getting everything stripped, painted, put together and tucked in. This will take a month essentially. But hey, at least I have the fitted sheets LOL.

So yesterday I went to a mommy's lunch with three other schoolyard friends. Not friends from my schoolyard days, but rather my twins. We all decided that we should have a lunch together. Three out of four of us had to bring one kid, but actually it was really nice. Considering the other two children were babies ages one month and 6 months respectively. Even Karis was unusually quiet, and just ate and sang the occassional song to a baby. We sat around gossiping and noshing for a good 2 hours, until we realized how long we had actually been sitting there! I have to say it was really nice to just sit and relax and enjoy someone else's company that isn't wearing Hello Kitty all the time. Hopefully we make this a bi-weekly, or at least a monthly thing!

My last story involves my husband who suggested we go look at the Louis Vuitton store at purses. We spent maybe 20 mintues looking through the catalog, asking to see specific handbags and me modeling them for Jarrett. Even the matching wallets were coming out. I half-expected my husband to say "Happy Valentine's Day early - pick which one you like" as did the lady helping us until he said to me, "You know... Valentine's Day is just around the corner". I could've smacked him!!! So am I actually getting the purse? Who the hell knows. Honestly you never know with Jarrett. Why a husband would dangle a coveted purse like that in front of his wife (who considers the LV to be the holy grail of purses) and then not buy it? He has been teasing me since saying the same catch phrase, "... you know Valentine's Day is just around the corner" ever since. Does someone want to hit this man with a rubber hose please?

STALKING THE POSTAL SERVICE

I have issues (well that was pretty apparent wasn't it? I mean really). But even moreso during the last week. Why? Because I'm constantly stalking the tracking number for a parcel through Canada Post. Actually, I first started stalking it through USPS... THEN once it left the States, I started to follow it like a bountyhunter. I know it left Chicago and went to Mississauga, Ontario. C'mon already!!!!!!

What am I waiting for? Well you'll laugh I'm sure (for many reasons), but I'm waiting for a Pottery Barn Kids bedding set for Karis. Want to hear the story behind it? You know you do, otherwise why on earth would you keep coming back here to hear the deranged ramblings I spew out so sporadically?

I have been hounding the hubby to re-do Karis' bedroom for probably a year now. She's four now, and I thought it was time for her to have a "non-baby" room. Right now it's pink, has ballerina teddy-bears... and very baby-ish. Her bed is technically her crib that converted into a daybed. Which really... not too bad because she's short (she can fit a 2T pant for pete's sakes!), but lately she keeps getting her elbow stucks in the railing side at night, which requires me to haul my sleepy ass out of bed to detangle her at 3:00 am. So I harrassed and harrassed (this technique works wonderfully I might add), and we went out to buy her a bed, and mattresses. NOW, this is where I truly get neurotic... my search for the cutest bedding. I have been scoping out this particular set at www.potterybarnkids.com (it's Alyssa's flower garden), and so once I got the bed on order, I set to getting this bedding for her. I get down to everything and then I'm told they won't send it to CANADA!!!! WTF? Why not? My money is just as good. But no. And we only have three Pottery Barn stores in Canada (all three are in Toronto... why does Toronto need three?). And no, they wouldn't order it for me from the States and send it to me.

I was left with little options. I could have it ordered and sent to my sister-in-laws (who I can't stand). No thanks... I'd rather decorate my kid's room with burlap sacks. I look into having a friend purchase and send it, but it would cost WAY too much after double shipping. Then I go on Ebay (I usually try to steer clear), but I find this woman that actually owns a children's linens business and she happens to have this exact bedding, for about $100.00 cheaper than the website pricing. PERFECT!!! So I buy it, she sends it, and now I'm waiting for it.

The reason why I'm being a total spaz is because I've been burnt SO MANY FREAKIN' TIMES on Ebay. I'd refer you to the illustrious case of the Louis Vuitton purse (but I'm not even going there - it still pisses me off) and the counterfit "Beauty and the Beast" DVD's I ordered (I hope I never get a knock on the door by the Fed's). So hopefully this is legit and my faith in Ebay can be restored. Not only that, I have the whole theme of Karis' room mapped out and all the little things I want to do with it to make it "perfect" (a.k.a my sensationalized version of children's rooms that look like the rooms in the magazines). I have a bit of a problem as you can tell - I'm a decorating freak. I love to make things unique and take a lot of time and put a lot of energy into making it EXACTLY how I want it. For instance, I have already bought a wooden stepstool for Karis (she's short remember) and have hand-painted it to match the bedding and the room theme. See - I told you I have problems!!

Anyways, I have to run.... Hopefully it doesn't come down to my mail carrier filing a restraining order from me. I promise once I get the bedding, I'll get normal as I get again.

TOSS ME A LIFE PRESERVER

These children are driving me crazy!!!! February is the month of "make your kids stay home from school and drive you batty" month. Don't ask why, apparently there is a need for professional days (I think they are boozing it up at the local bar). Don't get me wrong... I love my kids. But I'm use to having an afternoon reprieve from their constant yelling, fighting, and continuous harrassment of me. Next week, I have a five day stint with them.... alone. If I'm woried now, just think what happens when school lets out in June!!!!!!!!

The other night I had a massage. It wasn't one of those massages you go to because you just like to have some strange person rubbing oil all over you. I'm actually going for massage therapy. Well I don't know how therapeutic it is to be kneeded like a lump of dough to the point you are gritting your teeth in anguish and you can't even keep you feet from flying up off the massage table. My point of excruitating pain in around my shoulder blade (specifically on the right side). This is what happens when you decide against your better judgement to haul 90 lbs worth of kids up a hill in a sled. Not one of my brighter moments let me tell you. As a result, I've seen my chiropractor twice, and now the massage therapist. At one point I could feel her pushing the knot in my shoulder, which was very creepy. I told her it hurt and she said, "Oh I'm trying to pin it against your shoulder blade." LOVELY!!!!!!!!! One hour later, and $75.00 less richer... I can barely move or lift my right arm. She wanted me to go again next week (she's evil!), but she didn't have an evening appointments (damn), so I go again in two weeks. Same time, same channel... and probably the same unbearable pain. I might have to take some codeine first.

In other news, Kierra got this voice assisting box (essentially she pushes buttons and it makes sentences). It was a trial application, and we were very excited to see it. This morning the speech therapist comes, and the woman who is my case worker brings it..... and we were a little disapointed to say the least. It only does 8 pictures per sheet, and only takes up to three sheets. That is only 24 commands... for a child with well over 500 words in her vocabulary. So basically it's useless. We have to talk to the case worker about finding something more Kierra's speed. There is one that is 40 commands per screen, and holds up to 10 scrrens worth. This might be more in her league. Funny thing is the cruddy one was $800.00!!! Eight hundred for 24 phrases? I can't even imagine what 400 is going to cost me. Normally we would wait to get the evaluation, and then assigned one. I found out we can buy one out-right if choosen. I kinda like the free idea better, but the catch is it's 1 - 1 1/2 years of a wait. Sigh.

We have a date night on Saturday, which I'm really looking forward to. I have no clue what we are doing, but am happy at the prospect of going out for a meal that doesn't involve a kiddie menu and my saying "would you please behave yourself" 10001010 times. I'm also trying to convince my husband to take his Feb EDO off one of the days the girls are staying home from school. We tried to strong-hold my mother into coming to visit by waiving a pre-paid airline ticket in her face... and my husband's pressure tactics of saying "c'mon..... I'm booking it right now" but alas, it didn't work out. Crap!

Well, that's about it from me. You might be happy to know I'm not in a perpetual frozen state anymore... we got a chinook and are happily thawed out for the time. Let's hope it stays that way (although highly unlikely). Cheers!