GOOD NIGHTS... GOOD FRIGHTS

I am one of those people that cannot stand to be in this house at night by myself. Children excluded of course; it's a give-in that they'll be with me. So I'll elaborate and say I hate sleeping in this house when my husband isn't home. He is gone for two nights - which normally isn't a big deal. In fact, he barely goes on business trips (especially over night ones). This is a special circumstance however, and so I have to deal with it. During the day it's fine, although by the time I put the kids to bed, I am silently cursing his name for not giving me the usual 2 hour reprieve I usually get from the time he gets home until the kids are tucked in. As I said, it's part of work and can't be avoided. But the night is different. That's when I start becoming a total freak.

I think I have separation anxiety or something. I'm always envisioning that someone will break in the house or something like that. I sweetly remind my husband if we had an alarm on the house, I wouldn't be so paranoid. He tells me that the chances of someone breaking into our house are slim. We live in a highly populated area, in a cul de sac without many escape routes. Statistical analysis aside, I still don't feel secure if he's not here with me. I jokingly told him I know I can outrun him in case of a home invasion - so he's increasing my odds considerably for a narrow escape. If he's not home, I have to book it with three kids. Plus the house is so big, I probably wouldn't even know someone was there until they were standing over my pillow. Yes I have issues.

Also, I think part of it is I hate to sleep alone. I'm used to my lumbering bear beside me. He's been there for the better part of 14 years - so when he's not there, I feel his absence. He admits he sleeps like crap in hotel rooms because of this exact same reason. So last night I lying in bed at 12:20am, with no inkling of falling asleep. I decided maybe it'd help to have a bed mate... so I went to Karis' room, plucked her out of bed, and snuggled with her in mine. At first she had no clue what was going on. She was snoozing away contently. Then at one point, she opened her eyes, smiled at me in the dark, and turned around and farted. Lovely - just like her father. We had a nice little cuddle for about an hour. Then I remembered she is the worst person in the world to share a bed with. She wriggles, flips, kicks and clings to you like saran wrap. After I had enough of our little hug session, I delivered her back to her own bedroom, where I gratefully spread-eagled across my own mattress happy to have the bed to myself. By this time I was so tired, I couldn't care less if three axe murderers came in and had a tea party at the foot of my bed.

It's amazing how sleeping with a three-year old can change your perspective of lonely nights.

PARENTING 101

It's so funny when you meet "new" parents. They seem so self-assured that they have a handle on things. They politely turn down years of parenting advice because they, in fact, have their own parenting ideologies by which they live by. And nothing is funnier than watching a new parent realize they don't have all the answers after all.

This week-end, we went to a birthday party for our neighbors child. We are all good friends, so we all came bearing gifts. The girls all decked out as princesses (as this was the dress code). One of our mutual friends (and one of J's poker buddies) came with their six month old daughter. I haven't seen her since she was a newborn and she was such a sweetie pie. Of course we all came out with our horror stories about when our own kids were babies. Funny things they did, embarrassing instances where we were in public and they threw up on us.

As we started to discussion introducing solids, the mother took a red bell pepper from the vegetable tray and let he baby gum it. Since she didn't have any teeth, she figured it was reasonable to do so. I kind of looked at my other friend with a "what the hell is she doing" look, since they just finished saying they introduced rice cereal the same week. Figuring I'm not about to interject, she goes on to say that the baby really seems to enjoy the pepper. All I'm thinking is for a tiny little tummy, perhaps a gassy old pepper isn't the best thing to give her. That and what if she got a piece of it off. The mother assures us that since she doesn't have any teeth, this can't happen (see where this is going yet?).

So she hands the baby off to the daddy, who continues to let her suck on this pepper. All of a sudden, I catch a flash of red chunk in her mouth and yell, "She's got a piece off in her mouth!" and proceed to push her forward and sweep her mouth. By this time, the mom is frantic and the dad looks like he's in shock. They get the piece out (as big as a dime) and the baby starts to cry. No doubt because she was a little taken aback by these adults assaulting her over a piece of red bell pepper. However, she quickly calms down - no harm, no foul. You can tell she's rather embarrassed though. After all her expert proclaiming and such. All the veteran parents just eye each other with the "you'd think they'd listen" expression and say nothing, only offering comfort to the newbies who's six month old almost choked on a piece of veggie.

After about five minutes, we were all over the incident and talking amongst ourselves, when the father, still holding the baby, offers the baby the red pepper again! At this point I'm thinking, "Are you total void of intelligence here?" and finally say, "Do you really think that's a good idea seeing she just had a close call?" He blushes and puts the pepper away. You know of course, after they left, we all talked about how amateur they really are.

But that gets you to thinking... or at least me anyways. Was I like that when I first had my kids? I don't think I was, but then again... For me, I was so overwhelming with having the twins, I was happy to accept any tidbits of help I could possibly get. I also learned quickly that all my preconceived notions of how I would parent were idiotic and coming from the brain of someone who never had a child. It's so funny though - how some of us refuse to budge from those mindsets even after they are in the game already. Perhaps to admit they were wrong is a lot worse than to be made an example of in public. In any case, I was happy the baby was fine. However, I highly doubt they learned that they didn't have all the answers. They just learned not to give a baby a pepper to munch on.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Whew!!! Kierra has been giving me a run for my money that last week. I'm not exactly sure what is going on with her, but to sum up in one word: Tantrumrama!

Every little thing seems to set her off lately. She spied a favorite shirt of hers in the laundry pile and when I wouldn't give it to her, she followed me around the house for about 4 hours screaming and pitching fits. When working with her therapist, she's being extremely rigid and doesn't want to do the task asked of her. Every time she gets upset, she's either screaming or crying. It gets to the point I just want to cancel her therapist for the day just to get some piece and quiet. I can see how hard she is pushing her, and how frustrated Kierra is becoming. Maybe it's hard for us to remind ourselves how little she still is. Maybe we've been so hell-bent on getting this kid on a roll; we focus more on the autism than the child. If I need a vacation from it all, I think maybe Kierra needs a vacation for it all as well.

So me and the man have made an executive decision to go to my mom's for a week in August. All we are going to do is sit poolside and relax. I think it would be great for Kierra (and for me!). Thinking logically, this kid works longer and harder than most adults. Until school vacation, she was doing therapy all morning, having 1/2 hour lunch, and then going to school for therapy all afternoon. She's been doing this since she was three years old (she just turned five). Although she has made great advances by leaps and bounds, part of me is scared of her suffering a therapy burn-out. So hopefully our little get-away will do her some good.

Today I've decided we are doing therapy at the Zoo. Social outings actually are a part of her therapy, but in a way, it's not really work. It's fun - which I think she could use. After that, I'm putting out the kiddie pool, and we are just going to sit in the sun and mellow.

For me, I've pretty much hit stress toleration points. It's those moments in your mommy hood where you honestly say if you don't get away from your kid, you are going to put her in the drop box for the homeless at the grocery store. I've usually prided myself on my ability to tough it out through some miserable times. But when it's every single day for a week - after a while your cool starts to shake loose. Last night I declared shopping night, and ditched the kids with hubby. In hindsight it was a good trip: I bought two gowns and two bathing suits for upcoming occasions. I just hope the next day brings a happier Kierra.

A FUZZY GRIM REAPER

I came across this article on the web today (some of you may also have read it), about this cat Oscar. Oscar lives in a nursing home where most of the elderly are living with dementia or terminally ill diseases. He has been living there for the past 2 years - he was adopted by the staff when he was a kitten.

The thing about Oscar is he can predict when someone is about to die, within a 4 hour time frame. Sounds crazy huh? But apparently he has been right about over 25 deaths. He simply curls up beside the person who is about to die. Doctors and nurses first thought it was a strange coincidence but now think he can actually tell when someone is about to die. Apparently when the staff sees him take his place beside a resident, they immediately call the family members so they can arrive in time.

So people are speculating whether he knows this based on the cues of the nurses, or if he really have an ability to perceive when someone is about to die. I personally think it's instinctual. I mean if an animal can tell a storm is coming, why can't they know death is coming? We already know that animals have sensory abilities much more magnified than humans. Perhaps it's the release of a chemical before death or something. I mean how does a bloodhound track people? Smell. There are even pets that can sense when someone is about to have a seizure. Is it so hard to believe that a cat wouldn't smell death?

Hopefully the residents don't really know the association with this cat and the life beyond. I know I would be freaked out if this cat perched beside me! However, perhaps it is a comfort to have a furry friend puring beside you as you slip away. In any case, I thought this was reallly interesting.

VACATION HI-JACKING?

OKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

So my intimate cruise for two to Baja has now become party of four and very un-intimate cruise to Baja. Care to know the gory details? Ah I knew I'd peek your interest my pretties!!! This is why you come here no? To get the nitty gritty on my so-called life.

So right after we booked, Jarrett went to a poker game with some friends of ours. You know how it is: they let their guts hang out, talk about their wives, and most likely watch porn as they play Texas Hold Em ... basically dare to act in the most extreme opposite way they possibly could when out of the delicate earshot of women who could make their lives miserable. I can't blame them - let's face it. Not all about the trip to Vancouver was divulged. He would have a tad of a coronary I'd think. Anyways, Jarrett mentions to our friend and neighbor we are going on this fabulous cruise in October. No biggie - it wasn't exactly a secret. They themselves were planning on renting a house in Mexico in January. Sharing vacation plans - it's just something we always do.

Fast forward a few days: they are coming with us now. At first I was a little put off. I honestly didn't think they would come when we first started to talk about it. I mean I was just being courteous at first, saying yes it would be fun if we all went. No of course I wouldn't feel like they were imposing. After all they are our friends; and I didn't want to hurt them by saying we'd rather this be a two-some trip. Jarrett pointed out it wouldn't be so bad. I mean he was sure they'd do their thing and we could do ours, and we'd meet up at points to hang together. I said okay, I guess that's not bad. We can still have a romantic time. And so yes, they decide to book with us as well. It's fine really ... it'll still be fun.

Then she drops a bomb: she books the room RIGHT BESIDE US!! Ummmm okay. Jarrett agrees this creeps us out a tad. I mean it's not like they are in the same room, but lets face it. If you are having some loud, raunchy sex - you don't want the people you live next door to, to hear you. There is something to say for space. Well apparently not for them! She then tells me her travel agent said if she could get our booking number, she could book us together for everything!

Say what now?

I surrender this information. What else can I do? It's a classic scenario of being between a rock and a hard place. Too bad it wasn't more confined and didn't squish my head.

I'm not exactly one of those people that would say, "Whoa now!" Like I said, I'm kinda a sucker and I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Jarrett says well dinner arrangements would be okay, since we'd have to sit with 4 total strangers otherwise. I agree with this, saying ok - no biggie. Then she calls Jarrett last night to ask him if he wants to do something with her hubby on a shore excursion so that way we can do something "girly." We only have two ports of call: Ensenada and Cabo San Lucas. No offense to them, but I kinda wanted to do something with my hubby. This vacation wasn't to divide and conquer... it was to spend some relaxing time together sans kids. I suddenly feel like my entire vacation has been hi-jacked. Jarrett told her that we already had some excursions in mind and that we would be doing one of those. Implying if they wanted they could join us, but we aren't doing our "own" thing. I personally think he took the wind out of her sails. Sorry kiddo - but you know that's what we had planned from the get-go. Hell I'd even go marlin fishing with the man. I just want to spend some time with him.

Jarrett assures me it will be okay. It just feels like the ideology of our trip has really changed. I do enjoy our friends company (don't get me wrong; they can be a TON of fun). But part of me feels we need to address this just so we get some guidelines in place now. They are an enthusiastic bunch (could ya tell???) but at the same time, we have our own ideas of what we want out of this vacation. Could someone please send me a hostage negotiator????

FEELING LEFT OUT

So I should take a break for some honesty here. Something has been kind of bugging me a little. So I'm just going to do a rant about it, and then I'll be fine.

My sister.

She's getting married on September 15th, which I've mentioned. Me and my sister have had a different kind of relationship. As little kids, we were extremely close. As teenagers, I basically couldn't stand her. Once I left the house, I could tolerate her again, for only a minuscule moment. Jarrett would hedge bets with me how long it would take her to really piss me off. Usually within two days. The main problem was I didn't share her logic about why her life was in the shitter. I mean she was very young, had three children, and was already divorced by the time she was 24. All her problems were because of everyone else. She never owned up to her mistakes. Honestly, I didn't like her too much.

Then she met her soon-to-be husband. And she found religion. She made some new friends (ones that weren't idiots). And she changed for the better. She no longer picked fights, acting like a bitch. She was nicer to be around and definitely more calm. We all admitted that at the age of 29, she finally got her shit together and I couldn't be happier.

Herein lies the problem: For her first wedding, I was her matron of honor. For this wedding, I am no one. True she had 6 attendants in her first wedding, and this one she only has one. It is a close friend of hers. Logically I understand this. They are close. For the most part, I don't talk to my sister much. It's not because I don't like her... it's mostly because I can't relate to her even after all this life change. Instead of complaining and bitching, she's reciting Bible verses. Don't get me wrong: having Jesus and God in your heart is wonderful. But I don't want my morals/ethics attacked every time I have a conversation with her. I almost feel like being on the phone is a sermon. I have told her time and time again, I'm glad she's found her spiritual peace, but don't shove it down my throat.

But to be perfectly honest, I do feel left out of her wedding. One could argue I've been her M.O.H. before the first time. Yes to creepy, jerk-off husband number one. The useless sack of crap she was married to for less than a year. Part of me wants to feel included in her new marriage because this one is "right". The other guy we all knew was wrong but what can you say? I feel like a by-stander. I do realize I'm being totally whiny right now. I mean Jarrett is the Master of Ceremonies (he's a great public speaker). So even he is a "part" of things. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm not in my brother's wedding next year either (did I mention both of them were in my wedding party?), and my sister-in-law's alienation of me as a Godmother.

Don't worry - I will get over these things. I just figured I'll let it spill and get it off of my chest. I just can't help but feeling like I'm being left out.

SAIL AWAY WITH ME....

I'm very excited to report that my darling, awesome, fantastic, endearing husband...

Booked us a Baja cruise for my birthday this October!!!!

I'm so totally excited! We are leaving out of San Diego on October 14th, and going on a 5 day cruise. The ports of call are Ensenada and Cabo San Lucas. My mom is coming to watch the girls for us. We went on a cruise of the Western Carribean back in 2005. It was awesome!! Of course you can't do the Carribean in October. Unless you want a hurricane to pick your ass up and land you in New Orleans somewhere. I prefer my vacations to be free of swails, typhoons and other earthly/waterly disasters.

In other news, my nephew went back home. Our visit was brief and strange. At one point he said he wished his mom was more like me (gee that didn't make me feel weird), and that he'd rather live with us (again, that didn't make me feel weird). I think that's probably typical 14 year old rationale at large there. The mom always looks greener on the other side I guess (or so I'm told). I remember being 14 years old - I'm sure I was a complete pill for my poor parents. In any case, the awkward silences and the fleeting capacity of my fridge have now ceased. And so there goes my crazy July. I had people coming and going - and I did some of the going out of town myself. I'm hoping August is a little slower, because I already have my sister's wedding in September and now my trip in October.

In other news, I have a new niece. She was born actually last Saturday. She's healthy and great. I wish I could be a lot more enthusiastic about it, however she was born to a sister-in-law who has made it clear I'm not considered part of this family. To elaborate, when asked about Godparents, the phrase, "There's no one left in the family to ask" was kicked about. Gee thanks. I guess I know where I stand. I won't go into detail about past problems we've had concerning our children, and Christenings. But let's just say SHE is a Godmother to one of my children. Apparently I'll never be one to any of hers. I'm not sure what upsets me more: not thinking I'm good enough or the fact I'm not considered part of the family enough to be included. I shouldn't let it bother me. I've pretty much washed my hands of them and their immaturity. But you know, it hurts just the same.

So I guess I have some dress shopping to do for my sister's wedding (which means the same dress for one of the formal nights on the cruise, and of course, buying a new bathing suit. ICK!!! This has also prompted me to loose some weight. I don't consider myself horridly overweight or anything, but I could stand to loose about 50 lbs. I have a problem with diets - I love food and I hate to eat salads LOL. But so far, I'm down about 6 lbs. It's a start, nothing I can really see as of yet, but at least it's six down and now six up. Wish me luck.

That's about it for me. Going to be hot this week. Nothing like feeling hot and sweaty. I can only think of one situation that makes that an enjoyable situation. African safari - sheesh you all have dirty minds!

TEEN SPIRIT

I have a teen living in my house. No, some long-lost child from my past didn't resurface. I'd think I'd remember THAT! I have my 14 year old nephew staying with us for a few days. I thought it would be nice - seeing as we don't see him very often. He was only 8 months old when I started to date Jarrett. It's crazy to see him so big and with a deeper (albeit cracking) voice.

So the one thing I didn't anticipate on? Teenage boys are strange. I mean he barely talks. I don't know what to say to him, and I certainly don't know what to do with him. He just says "Yeah ok" or "that's fine". Sheesh kid would you talk or something??????? Jarrett informs me all teen boys are this way and to thankful he's not a girl. Ha ha - oh wait he has a point.

Another thing I didn't anticipate was how much they eat. Holy crap!!! I bought a rack of ribs only to find out he can polish off an entire rack on his own. Dang!! This kid is going to eat me into the poor house in a matter of days. I feel like I'm National Geographic or something. Today we will be watching the life cycle of the elusive teenage boy of the Serengeti. All I need in the background is some guys with gourds hanging from their packages and chicks with a stack of rings around their necks. Taking him to the Mall was an experience. He just mumbled, shuffled around. I'm wondering if he's in some sort of catatonic state that allows him to walk among us. Tried to add caffeine to him - that didn't do much.

Sadly enough, I know this isn't a taste of things to come for me. We have GIRLS only. Girls aren't like this. Teenage girls aren't quiet. They are loud, obnoxious, rude, hormonal and crazy. I will not have quiet moments. I will have "Please daddy can I have money" and "mom I hate you!" moments instead. I will have a lot of Tampax and Midol in my house. I will have tractor trailers pulling up to the front door stocked with them every month. My husband will invert into himself, inundated with estrogen and fearing for his life. Fearing his Visa will fall into the wrong hands. I'm sure every night, we will hold silent vigils in our bedroom, praying for their 18th birthdays to come, that we survive, and that they graciously take the sets of matching luggage we bestow upon them and leave our home.

Until then, I'll enjoy my sweet girls while I can. And until then, I will try to understand the brewding young man sleeping in my guest room. And go buy another $300.00 worth of groceries.

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKK!!

Did you miss me? I missed you. Let's give us a hug here. MMMPHHHH!!!

So I know you are all eagerly awaiting this post, to tell you how my week-end with Lee and Janis was. It was FREAKING awesome!!! First off - these two are possibly the most funniest ladies you'll ever meet!! I'm serious! It's very seldom you find people who get your sense of humor dead on! I found two of them! Let me tell you more!!!
Friday, I got to Vancouver around noon, got to the hotel, where I was having a bit of a problem with the guy behind the desk. Apparently he couldn't find record of Lee leaving me a card key. Finally I told him to look under Janis, and then some crazed lunatic comes up behind me and grabs me - making me scream Alfred Hitchcock style in the Marriott!! Yes - it was Janis!! After my heart stopped palpitating - we hugged and went to the lounge for a drink (to wait for Lee who was doing the grande tour of Vancouver). While we were waiting, we spied three soap opera actors from the soap Y & R - Michael Baldwin, Lauren Fenmore and Esther. We thought that was pretty cool. Not Carrie Underwood - but then again - that's not all it's cracked up to be apparently right Lee?

Once Lee got there the party began!! We decided to grab lunch since Long Island Iced Teas and nothing in your stomach makes you kinda giddy. We went to this little joint, and I commissioned my first Bellini of our trip (A Bellini is a peach and grenadine slushy with lots of nice tequila). After that, we walked about, did some shopping. With some inspections of Lee's grande bra (both my and Janis head's fit nicely into the cups), and some flirting with the bellboy named Duncan (he was into the older ladies!) - we continued on taking Vancouver by storm. We even drank fishbowls FULL of Bellini. After that, my head was swimming like a fish let me tell ya!!!

Saturday brought on a wee bit of a hangover - and breakfast at Denny's (which didn't sit well). We then went down to Granville Island to do some shopping for the kids (in spite of no kids, we still managed to buy stuff for them - sad huh?). Then we hit the mall and shopped some more!!! We all got the neatest silver necklaces with these pendants that had sayings about friendships. I love em!! And, of course, sparkly martini glass toe rings - because they didn't have Bellini ones but that's close enough!!! We then hit Joe Forte's for some nice dinner (and bad behavior). Followed up by the drinks we started the whole trip with - L.I.I.T.'s. This is when Lee spilled her drink and we laughed like hoot owls!!! Swimming in the pool and hitting the hot tub came next (once the one-Triscut-a-week girls finally left - sheesh girls - eat a freakin' sandwich will ya??). Lee showed us her synchronized swimming moves - very eloquent. We decided to let it be known to Duncan we didn't appreciate his shunning us upon our latest traipse through the lobby.

Sunday morning, we had our breakfast, said good-bye to Michael Baldwin having his brunch, and gave lots of hugs. Me and Lee shared a cab to the airport, where we managed to have yet another fit of laughter! Honestly - these gals are so my comedic triplets! We did invent some catch phrases during our trip. One of which was "Says YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!" which is in part of my altercation with a 90 year old woman in Walmart the day before I left. "Dontcha" - which stems from the Pussy Cat Dolls song... and Lee's favorite saying, "Yummy!" We also adopted southern accents for some reason - which is strange but nonetheless - it was comedic as hell.

I have in all honesty, never laughed so freakin' hard in my entire life. Like crying so hard you could pee your pants laugh!! I feel like I've been friends with them since childhood!! There was never that awkward moment (unless you count the french guy asking Janis to lick his nipple when she wouldn't give him any change). These are definitely women I consider to be my bestest buds, and will always be friends with. So girls - thanks for the bestest mommy vacation!!

AND I'M OFF!!

Well today is the big day!!! In approximately 3 hours I'll be on my way to the airport. I'm very excited. I talked to Mamalee yesterday after she got to Vancouver. She insists the hotel is beyond awesome. I can't wait to get there!!!

So I'll be signing off until Monday!! Wish me an uneventful flight, and a great time!!! I will be back with lots of pictures and I'm sure, funny stories!!

Take care!!

SERIES OF RATHER UNBALANCED AND UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

The scales of my sanity are tipping back and forth erratically right now. I'm actually a Libra. This means balance. I'm imbalanced... but you probably gathered that a while ago. Here are some instances of my life and it's tipping scales.

On one hand, I had a WONDERFUL hot stone massage for an hour last night, courtesy of my lovely, dashing, and debonair husband Jarrett. It was great and relaxing. Then later than night, I got a severe Charley horse in my left calf muscle, and screamed like a man getting a vasectomy. Ironically Jarrett had the exact same thing happen two hours before. He didn't scream like I did. He stood up, did the dance of pain on the carpet before telling me what he was doing. I thought he was doing a rain dance. We could use the precipitation.

I woke up to birds chirping happily this morning, sat up glad to be alive and well rested (minus the pain in my leg still)and realized my period started this morning. Mad dash like Olympic runner on steroids to the bathroom. Thank the Heavens I gave it some thought the night before. These are new jammie bottoms. I bought them especially for Janis (lol kidding Jan). Content to mash Midol pills into my maple sugar oatmeal this morning. The sublime crunch of ibuprofen and whatever else makes those so wonderfully relieving. AHHHHHH that's good PMS fighting plus wonderful for your cholesterol. When I'm in menopause, I'll just switch the Midol to my HRT pills.

Leaving for my trip in two days which I'm estactic about... only to realize I should have washed some clothes by now that I actually WANTED to wear on my trip. I will not wear Jarrett's polo shirt or a pair of My Little Pony panties, size 3T. Sense my guilt of leaving the kids and Jarrett is overly compensating for washing of all clothes that are not mine. Running out of lavender scented Tide. Will use reserves of the non-nice smelling stuff on my own laundry.

Treated myself to a French Manicure last night. Took the time to make sure the tips were done nicely, dried long enough, did the top coat, filed them. Then realized after should've painted my toe nails first. Using nail polish remover to clean off toes from last pedicure results in removal of new French manicure. Swear to self, drink some wine. Start again.

And last but not least, my neighbor is finishing her landscaping at the expense of my front yard and my fence. At first it was the removal of my fence post and then a panel of my fence. Then 6 inches of front yard dug down and missing. Yard looks like excavation for a new Donald Trump high rise. They didn't re-set my post deep enough and my gate doesn't close properly. Asked for a ride to the airport as a return of favor to molesting my yard with a backhoe. Informed she wants to go to the gym instead, sorry. I'll remember that the next time someone wants to dig for leprechauns or whatever in my yard.

Anyways, that is my day thus far! Hope you are having a more balanced day than me!

THE WEARY TRAVELLER

I was cruising around blog land and read one of my usuals, MamaLee and had to laugh... As usual she's thinking like me!! This doesn't surprise me in the least. We refer to one another as each other's evil twins (I'm not sure which one is supposed to be evil though...). Once again she has stolen my thoughts.

Our big trip is coming up in exactly three days! THREE!!! She leaves on Thursday because she has to trek across the continent. She's a little worried you see. She's A) travelling alone, B) travelling Internationally (customs is always fun!) and C) coming to a place she's never been. I must reassure her that this, is in fact, Canada. We are a simple people (simple as uncomplicated LOL - not simple minded). Our immigration folks aren't quite as intense - and I say this with a lot of immigration experience. In the U.S., I hear they use a fish scaler to do cavity searches. Here in Canada, we are a lot more laid back. I mean we have animals on our coin currency. How can a place with caribou on the quarter, and a beaver on a nickle be intimidating? As I've already told her, just be mindful of our grizzly bears and mountain lions dragging you off and you'll be fine (LOL that's a joke by the way Lee). However, my comment about the crazy Canadian geese wasn't really a joke. Those feathered bastards will attack you!! I should know - I had a gaggle run after me once. But in all fairness, water foul seem to attack me often. Don't get me started on what happens to me whenever I visit a farm!! Birds sense fear you know!!!

Now I'm not going to pretend that I have quite as much to be worried about in this trip. But just the same, I'm already starting to get nervous jitters. Not because I'm scared to meet the girls (well maybe Janis a little - did you read about her chicken tendencies? I told you already how I feel about the birds!) We've given each other fair warning about each other's quirks. Janis has told us about her pocket change holding stretch marks (at least she doesn't have to carry a change purse) and well... Lee's heavy artillery (and I don't mean guns... or do I?) And I've already warned them that my Tommy Hilfiger pj tank top doesn't always hold my lovely bosom in at night. I mean I could wake up and one of the gals might be getting some fresh air (my husband doesn't seem to mind). LOL but I digress. Getting back to my main point of interest: I'm not a happy traveller unless both feet are planted firmly on the ground.

To back up, when I get nervous, I tend to get a very upset stomach. In fact, when I was in university and had a big exam, I tended to keep a lot of Immodium on hand. LOL nice huh? Now that I painted a pretty picture for you, you can appreciate what I'm getting at. You know, you're sliding into first? I figure as long as I starve myself for a few days prior, all should go smoothly. Besides, it's only one measly hour in the air. How bad can that be???? Right????

Well two years ago I took a similar length flight, flew first class for the first time, and upon take off, probably 10 seconds before the wheels of the plane left the ground, we hear this huge bang (Lee, probably stop reading this now). The pilot immediately hit the brakes and THAT was scary! I thought the plane was either going to flip or that we were all going to die. There was another huge bang after that. We all thought we had a bad tire. Stop on the tarmac and in the distance can see a fleet of fire engines tearing after us. A lot of fuss for a tire. After what seems an eternity they tell us we need to deplane (they towed us back to the gate). We get off, look at the plane from the window and do you know what we saw? Our engine, blown to bits and hanging off the wing because it was cracked!! HOLY SHIT!!! Good thing I took that Immodium before huh (and something to calm my nerves before!). What was worse, if that had happened any time after it did, even 30 seconds... we would've fallen like a rock to the ground.

I won't speculate past that. Jarrett's theory is if that's the closest thing to a "close call" in a plane I'll ever have, then I'm good to go from now on. Let's pray he's right!! He'll have to sell the children to gypsies or something. So MamaLee, don't you worry girlfriend!! You're going to do swell. Just make sure to take advantage of the in-flight cocktails they offer, and as Toni said, write you name on your panties (in Janis case, on her bare butt), and you'll be fine. Until then, I will eagerly anticipate meeting the girls in a few days!!!!

YIPPPE KAY YAY!!!!!

Nothing like watching hundreds of pounds of untamed animal throw a cowboy in the dirt. LOL. We went to the rodeo - which was something else!! It's always amazed me how any human being would think it's a good idea to sit on a 1,800 lb bull and hope he lives another day. Then again - such is the spirit of the Wild West!!! We had a great time!!!! The show afterwards in the evening was great. Indian hoop dancers, Circ de Soleil acts - it was a real show-stopper!!! The weather was great. Beats last year where the rain pounder us and killed my cowboy hat. The best line of the day came when one of the bulls would NOT leave the stadium. I mean he was hell-bent on standing where he was, and no lasso or cowboy was making him go anywheres. So finally the announcer quipped, "Hey this bull is just like Paris Hilton." The other announcer says, "Paris? What do you mean?" And he retorts, "Paris didn't want to go into the pen either!"

I must also say there is absolutely nothing emasculating about a cowboy wearing pink. The theme for Stampede this year was Breast Cancer Awareness (which I think is an awesome cause). The catch phrase was "Are you tough enough to wear pink?" Apparently a lot of men are!!! There were men in pink shirts, bandannas, and hats. Women of course were donning the color as well... including myself. I bought a hot pink cowboy hat which I proudly wore!! The first night, they raised $140,000.00 to donate to cancer research! Now that's great!! I personally think next year they should do Autism awareness. I have half a mind to write to the President of Stampede and give him this suggestion.

I did find out the deal about deep fried coke? Are you ready for this because I don't think you are!!! It was NASTY!!! They basically take batter, drizzle it with coke syrup and then deep fry it. It amounts to a cup of twisty looking deep-fried worms. I'm thinking worms would've tasted better. Jarrett wasted $5.00 - he threw it in the garbage almost immediately. That's ok - I lost $5.00 in video poker later on in probably less than 10 minutes. Of course I had to sample "Those Little Donuts". Oh you know what I'm talking about!!! LOL. YUM!!!

On a happy note, my in-laws left this morning. I feel envious of those of you that truly enjoy your in-laws. Really I do. My father-inlaw INSISTS on reading newspaper articles out loud, even if you have no interest in hearing them!! I could be watching t.v. and he's telling me something about dingos in Africa. That and he's constantly asking what building are. How should we know? It's a city of over 1 million people - and we don't make it our business to know every street address and building! GAH!!!!!! Mother-in-law is more discrete. She likes to make innuendos as jabs at you. I just don't bite anymore - it's not worth it. It's like whatever I say, she'll find opposition to. Needless to say - they are gone... my sanity (what's left of it) can now mend itself and be restored. Besides, I'm going on mommy's vacation on Friday (which they told me to behave on - yes because I'm going to have crazy adultry sex and come home pregnant with some bastard child @@). I'm too psyched to let this last week sit badly with me!!

Anyways, I thought you might enjoy some pictures of us donning our cowboy gear. I particularly enjoy the girls hats. They are true rodeo princess fashion!

GIDDIUP DOGIES!

So as I previously mentioned, we Calgarians are now kicking off our annual Calgary Stampede (dubbed the greatest outdoor show on this Earth). In all actuality it's the richest rodeo in the entire world. Cowboys here become millionaires! I wish I was a cowgirl.......

I also mentioned my in-laws are here (round of applause insert here). It's been okay thus far. We did the zoo (Mother in law almost ripped the skin off my forearm because she saw a snake and she's deadly afraid of snakes). We saw a good portion of the zoo (it's pretty big to walk the entire thing). We also went to Callaway Park, which is our local amusement park. I have to say that it was EXTREMELY hot. So hot in fact, skin could've boiled off of bones. Not what you'd normally expect in the Rocky Mountain region. But nevertheless HOT!!! We also spent a lot of time outside watching the girls play in their pool.

Yesterday we went to the parade. This is a LONG parade but I have a story associated with it. We bought assigned seating on bleachers late last year. That's how far in advance you need to buy them. But anyways, we get downtown and they assign the seats. These crappy bleachers that are done with plywood and that no normal human ass could fit comfortably on unless you are under the age of 10. So anyways, we are in row 4 of 5. Get up there, and these two large people sit on the row below us. First off, my knees are in their backs, and then the girls can't see over them. This sucks. Jarrett sees that the usher is letting people with small kids sit lower. He asks if we can too and she says "Sure as long as the people don't claim the seats." We accept and leave the in-laws, and sit on the first row. We wait for the parade to start. Now the disclaimer on the tickets CLEARLY states that if you aren't at your assigned seat by 8:30, you forfeit your seat. We were there by 8:00 am (did I mention we woke up at 6:00 am, took the smelly ass train downtown?). The parade starts at 9:00. So at around 8:50 the people who had tickets for our new seats arrive. The usher explains our situation and they get all confrontagious and tell the usher we need to get our of their seats. We say fine (fair is fair) but she's given away OUR seats now! I tell the usher that if she can kick us out of these ones, she can kick out the other people in our seats then! She's freaking out (you can tell she f'd up; she shouldn't have juggled people around). I LOUDLY mention I thought after 8:30 seats were forfeited anyways (LOL you know I have to make a point in everything). So she finds new seats a little further down in the front row. We accept. Sit down and the parade is NOW starting. Fifteen minutes into the parade, some guy comes up to us and asks if we have tickets for this particular seat. I look him square in the eye and say, "No because they gave away our seats to someone else so we are sitting here." He didn't know what to say. I don't think he was anticipating going head to head with bitchy mother of three wearing a pink cowgirl hat. Jarrett just tipped his cowboy hat over his eyes, probably trying not to laugh. I mean they moved us twice, and Kierra was getting really upset about it. The parade already started. In other words, get out of my face Mr. Bean, the clydedales are coming. So then the usher comes over, tries to find him a place. The whole bleacher is full!! So he ends up sitting on the pavement with his kid (not my problem you should've got there on time!). He didn't even shoot me a sideways glance either. Smart move buckaroo!

Oh before I forget, there was a pre-show. We all applauded emphatically as the cops took away some transient in handcuffs. I'm not sure what he did exactly, but three cops had him and he didn't look happy. You can tell we are all high-caliber people for entertainment!! Homeless dude in cuffs, and the crowd goes wild!! The parade itself was great. That was a lot of horse poo!!! They actually had three street cleaners (dressed up like broncos and bulls) come in waves every so often to clean up the crap. Jenna informed me she wanted to be in a marching band... and she wants to play the flag LMAO!!! It's a two hour parade (did I mention this) and we took turns with Kierra on our laps. We only had about two inches of our butts on the actual bench so she was killing us slowly. Finally after 1 hour and 40 minutes I told Jarrett I couldn't feel my arse anymore. Jenna announced she had to pee so we decided to collect the in-laws and leave (beat the rush for the train). I try to get through the crowd to no avail. Finally I ask someone to move and this woman gets in my face and says, "I'm trying to take a picture of that buffalo!" Then she hits me with her elbow as I try to go by. I just looked at her (it's not even a real buffalo okay?) and say "Well my kid has to poop so unless you want to summon one of those street cleaners, get out of my way!" If she really wanted a picture of a buffalo, she should've asked someone to take a picture of her butt!

We get to the porta-john and Jenna is freaking out. She doesn't want to go in. I get her in, open the lid and almost threw up. She wails, "I don't like it in here!" Dear, no one does! No need to elaborate past that - the mere thought send my stomach into convulsions. Took her a while but finally convinced her to go. Finally get to the train station, and the train is ALREADY packed. It took every fiber in my being that people didn't squish my children. But we did learn a few things. Next year, buy front row bleachers, buy some of those bench seats and bring nose plugs.

Today we are doing the chucks and the rodeo. We are leaving the kids at home. YAHOO!! LOL. I love my kids but sometimes you need to go be a cowgirl! Anyways, I should get moving along little dogies. My little dogies are running amuck as I type. My husband and in-laws are sleeping in. Would I be terrible to sic my little ones on them? Nawww!!!!!!!!

1,000 PARDONS

My in-laws are in town and I don't have much time to get to the computer. Plus... we haven't been home much at all lately. Calgary Stampede officially kicked off this morning. We sat on assigned bleachers for 2 hours, our asses totally numb. The girls had a blast. I still say 2 hours for a parade is TOO long!!! Tomorrow is the rodeo and chuck wagon races.

Other than that, I do promise to post some pictures later on. I just don't have much time to sit in front of the computer. Please don't disown me LOL. I promise I will be back and be as fiesty as ever!! Please return to your regularly scheduled postings!