HUMOR ME

I'm posting some jokes/quips today. Mostly because I'm too lazy to think of anything ingenious to say!! ENJOY!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.


5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and
Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the
WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct
tape.


9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get
another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends; you never know when you might need them to
empty your bedpan.


I Met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom you still awake?"


A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices straight away that he has a steering wheel attached to his crotch. Baffled by this, he decides not to ask about it, as the Pirate seems like a vicious fellow. After a lot of drinks, the pirate starts to get chatty with the bartender and they become fast friends. Feeling that their relationship has gone to a new level the bartender asks the pirate, "I couldn't help but notice that you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch." The pirate looks up from his beer and grimaces, "ARRRRR ay, and it's driving me nuts!"