IT'S TAG TEAM TIME

This is a yummy post of epic proportions. Anything to do with food, I swear I psychologically gain 5 pounds and lick my salivating lips.I was tagged by Jenny, who is new to blogger. I actually had been following her story on another site, and couldn't resist checking out her new blog! She's a charismatic writer, and her little one is truly adorable! I'm always a sucker for a cutie-pie (I have three - it's an occupational hazard ya know!).

Here are the rules:

1. Link to name of person that tagged you.

2. Include state and country you live in.

3. List top 5 favorite local restaurants.

4. Tag 5 other people and let them know they’ve been tagged.

OK, I think I did number one already in my intro. As most of you know, I live in Alberta, Canada. I have lived in both Canada and the States for some time. Love both countries, but I will give a shout out to our maple leaf lovers. Canada Day is July 1st!!! Woot woot eh???

HMMM the top five local restaurants for me would be:

1) Chiantis : Yes like Silence of the Lamb's (makes obscene slurping sound a la Hannibal Lector). They have the most amazing pasta and they have this wonderful hazelnut ice cream ... OMG seriously. It's almost better than sex (after note: I say this in caution - my husband could be reading it).

2) The Silver Dragon: This is an AWESOME Chinese restaurant. It's in downtown Calgary's Chinatown district, and OMG is all I can say. Everything there is just insanely great. The only thing I don't like is when I sit by the fish tank in the wall - the fish stalk me. Nothing like Koi staring at you when you are eating tempura shrimp.

3) Salt Lik: This is a great steak house here. I'm in love with it. The ambiance is awesome, but they have the best calamari I've ever eaten. You haven't had good calamari unless you've tried this (no distasteful groans - embrace the calamari!)

4) Hy's Steakloft: Steak again? Hell yes!! It's yummy!! LOL. I love going here whenever we can get a sitter. Although the last time I went didn't go so well. I came home with a horrible flu bug 3 hours later and let's just say it was a waste of whatever paid for my dinner.

5) Mi Ranchito: This isn't where I live; but back in Indiana where I used to live. It is family owned by this great Mexican family and only their family works there. It is by far, the best Mexican food I've ever eaten. The day before I had the twins, we went there and I totally pigged out (hoping to get things started - that didn't work). But man - they had the best seafood enchiladas!!!

So now for the tagging... OK - I'm going to tag Dari, Mamalee, Teri, Twisted Cinderella, and Sunshine. So grab your napkins and think munchies! Cheers!!!

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LOL oh this is funny - I'm taking the kids today to see Disney's new movie Ratatouille. It's about a mouse in Paris that wants to be a chef. Funny coincidence huh? That and I had to share a funny story. I was sunbathing in the backyard as I drank my crystal light and was giving Jarrett shit because he NEVER wears sunscreen. He's annoying and tans (not like albino me), but Jenna was listening and came and sat in the next lounger. She told me that I should marry someone else. I was completely shocked and said why and she told me, "Momma, daddy doesn't listen and you told him to put on his sunscreen. Daddy should always listen when you tell him what to do, and he's not listening and he could get the sunburn and that's not good. I think you should marry Jeff (our friend's husband) because he'll listen to you better." I started to crack up and Jarrett did too. Then I told her that it was a pretty harsh reason to dump poor daddy. She then told me, "Oh that's ok, I'll marry daddy then." LOL sheesh!!! She'll make a fine wife to some man someday.

MY THINKING HAT IS ON AGAIN

Two posts in one day... hey I reserve the right to be a complete on-line blabbermouth. But in all actuality - there is a good reason for my bi-posting.

I went to the grocery store today and picked up a copy of the recent PEOPLE magazine. For those of you not aware of this, I'm a PEOPLE junkie. Not mostly for celeb reasons - but I like the human interest stories. Obviously my being a total people person and psychoanalytical by nature - I gravitate towards these types of things. Beats the heck of reading psychology and sociology journals (hey I had my fill of that in university thank you very much!).

I found myself reading a story about parents who are involved in one of the first legal fights against immunization's link to autism. They are claiming that their daughter developed autism after her MMR shots. For those of you that aren't on the up and up of the whole vaccine/autism theory - it is believed by some that the preservative thermasil is the reason why children become autistic. Thermasil is a mercury derivative.

Now I have to be honest. I feel for these parents. I too know what it is like to watch your perfect little one transform into a child that is barely recognizable. It is a painful thing to go through, especially when there is no logical explanation for it. It is unfair, and it is undiscriminating. However, I'm not a believer in the vaccine/autism link. I'd go so far as to say that the only correlation is that the onset of autism is roughly the same time that a MMR vaccine is admitted. There has also been enough research to show that the brain of an autistic child is hard-wired much differently than that of a typical child. Different lobes of the brain are working in ways that they normally shouldn't. In fact, brains of children who are autistic tend to be larger than their peers (from birth: this is true of Kierra as well). Looking back, I could see the early earmarks of autism in Kierra BEFORE she was ever administered a vaccine (ie: arching her back, not holding on, not recognizing her name).

I understand how hard it is not knowing where to lay the finger of blame when it is your child afflicted with this disorder. It is hard not to know why YOUR child. I think that placing the blame on vaccines where there is no evidence to really support it though, is doing more harm than good. Using scare tactics to keep new parents from not vaccinating their children is a disservice. Even though autism is a relatively "new" disorder (it was only 20 years ago that it was being identified by the DSM); who is to say a lot of the children long ago weren't autistic and no one knew what it was? Odd Uncle Ed may not have been eccentric - he might have been autistic. Mutes could have been children that were non-verbal autistics as well. Also, it was far more common to institutionalize people that were thought to be "mentally-retarded" or a "black cloud" in the family. There definitely isn't a thorough history of autism. Also, it would not explain why the rate of children affected with autism is climbing. MMR's have been around for a long time. Why the sudden influx?

I'm not so brazen to say I know why the autistic mind develops the way I do. I go by the scientific facts they have already established. It is a malfunction of the brain so it's neurological (rather than psychological - although it does have psychological factors involved). They know that the brain does not develop in the way it should (as I mentioned larger brains FYI: Kierra is five and has the brain size of a 15 year old girl). They have also identified DNA markers for autism, which suggests two things. It could be genetic (there are higher rates of autism in families with one child already diagnosed) and that it is something that probably starts to occur in the fetal brain). They have done studies in Europe with autism affected mice, and have actually developed a vaccine of sorts that have CURED the mice of their autistic traits. If this was a simply case of brain damage caused by mercury, how could such a thing happen?

As I have said - I know the heartbreak of autism. I don't wish it upon anyone. And I too seek the answer as to why my child is the way she is. I want to know if it was something I exposed her to, or if it was just dumb luck so to speak. Of course any parent who thinks along of the immunization cause theory is more than welcome to believe this. I think we are all entitled to our opinions and my thoughts aren't written in stone as being the "more correct." Far from it. I just wanted to throw out my thoughts on the subject and let you come to your own conclusion. But I think the one thing we would all agree on is we all want to know the reason WHY.

YOU THINK I ROCK?

I just had to mention that I got nominated for the Rockin Girl Blogger award twice matter of days by two fellow, awesome bloggers for this same award (Thanks Teri and Jenny!). I'm always amazed at people that really dig the things I write. Makes me feel like my thoughts are important. Don't get me wrong, I don't only feel validated on-line LOL. But you usually can't have an in-depth, stimulating conversation with pre-schoolers. Why just earlier today, Jenna told me she wants to have a baby brother, and we should name it Mr. FeatherPuppet. Don't ask. Anyways, it's nice that people actually think of me when they have a chance to pick someone to pass it onto!

For my part, I now get to nominate five people of my own. I've been noticed that some of you have already been nominated. So don't get all bent out of shape - you already got your kudos. You know I love you all. In fact, anyone that is reading this right now should be able to be a Rockin Girl Blogger (especially Slick - he's more feminine than any of us). LOL So I'll use this opportunity to name some other people that haven't gotten an honorable mention yet.

1) Cat - I love her. I love all Canadians. I love Americans too though (I gave birth to three Yankees after all). But I love her style. She's fab!

2) Janet - there is just something about her that makes you feel like you've known her for years. She's an easy read (not easy in other ways LOL - God why am I being crass today?)

3) Maria - She was one of the first people I started to read about when I started to blog. I love her openers about her life. It's like curling up on a chair and reading your favorite book.

4) Tulipmomm - she and I have similar lives. I like the way we seem to think the same way; experience things. She's a great gal.

5) Janis - not many of you may be familiar with her (shame on you!) She's also one of my bestest buds but don't think that was the reason I choose her. Janis has an amazing writing skill and she's funny as hell. So she definitely rocks!!!

So thanks to all my loyal readers!!! You know I love you all!

MEETING FACES/PLACES

As I had mentioned in fleeting passing the other day, I am going on a "Mommy's Vacation". Wondering what this is? Are you intrigued? Me too - because I've never been on one before. But I'm expecting it's going to be three glorious days of relaxation and forgetting for a brief moment that back home, I wipe bums all day long.

Approximately 6 years ago, I was part of an on-line mommy's chat called BabyCenter. I'm sure a lot of moms are aware of this site. Back then, I was "just" pregnant with the twins, waiting to find out how many were actually in there (we did IVF and put back more than came out!). I met this fabulous woman named Lee. She was a great spirit to have met; and I liked her immediately! She had a little guy already and was pregnant again. Me, being totally inexperienced, came under her prenatal wing. She gave me great advice, and I always looked forward to finding her name in the chatbox. Even better, she had the same, weird sense of humor I had!! How great is that to have someone else on this planet get you?

Around the same time, I met another gal Janis. She also also pregnant with her first baby, and was actually due one month before I was with the twins. She was probably one of the craziest chicks I could've met. She too was good friends with Lee, and whenever the three of us got into chat together we had a blast. We complained about our hubbies, our stretch marks. Once the babies were born, we complained about how sleep-deprived we all were. True bonding moments. During the course of the next two years; we all popped out one more baby. In fact, me and Janis both took to the same name for our last little girl (different spellings/ same attitudes!). We joined a mom's group board, found each other on MSN more often... it was awesome.

In the last six or so years, I have talked on the phone with these women, chatted for endless hours, been on web cam shaking our booty at each other. We send cards, pictures and gifts for special occasions. We are each other's online support team. I can honestly say that in troubled times, they are the first ones I go to. They are always there with a sympathetic ear and a good shoulder. I feel like I've known them forever. So you can imagine how excited I am to finally be putting faces to the names. On July 13th (lucky day huh?), I'm meeting them in person.

I must say I'm so excited to be doing this!!! I can only imagine what a blast they both are in person. One would think I might be a little nervous, but honestly - it's like I know them so well already. So, my friends, I know you are reading this.... so I just wanted to say I can't wait to meet you both!!!! This has been a long time coming!

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P.S. I activated the van alarm again yesterday instead of the automatic door opener (with the kids standing in front of it). What in the world? I'm loosing it. See I told you all I needed a vacation!

SUMMER SHACKLES

Ah ... the beginning of summer vacation. My kids are officially in my care and control 100%/24-7 - for the next 70 days. Here that metallic clink in the background? That would be the sound of my summer shackles. My official summer imprisonment has begun. I'm not talking lame-ass Paris Hilton-esqe imprisonment (who catwalk struts out of jail for pete's sakes?) I'm going to be doing some hard time over the next few months.

Now I know what you are thinking... you should be happy to be able to spend all this wonderful, bonding, quality time with your daughters. Okay get with the program will ya? FACT: I'm used to having my afternoons low-maintenance. Karis naps, and I get two glorious hours to myself!! Now I get nothing - nada!! My low-maintenance has now become high-maintenance because I now have to entertain Kierra (who, by the way, isn't always a dream to entertain). I have Jenna and Karis fighting like cats and dogs every other minute. I won't get to take my leisure afternoons walks anymore (because my kids can't walk the pace I want to go or the distance). There will be no break for my sanity until September. As I write, Kierra has already destroyed two crayons (written on my coffee table - good thing they are washable) and has been digging through my fridge. Commence hair ripping.

I think the big problem is I've been spoiled by my leisure time. The last five years of motherhood have been hectic to say the least. Having three kids in a year and a half - hectic. Having a special needs child - hectic. I finally got to shift into low gear. I'll admit it - I rather enjoyed it. What full-time parent doesn't? So you'll have to excuse my incessant ramblings and bitchiness from now until September. I promise not to be too snarly. My only saving grace is my looking forward to my "mommy's vacation" in approximately 15 days. I'm meeting my two bestest buds in Vancouver for one glorious week-end of husbandless, childless, uninterrupted sleeping, no drink minimum, shopping spreeing, G-rated fun!!! Until then, I will lapse into my acutely aware but vegetative state which alleviates my stress just enough to get me through the day.

Drama queen much?

THE ANSWER IS THE KEY

Holy crap - I've pulled some major knob moments in my life. I think I have surpassed previous expeditions of all past brain-farts commited by myself.

This morning I get up, get the kids their breakfast and see a little pink sticky note on the counter top. I figure Jarrett has left me a little love note (he just left for a 4 day business trip to Chicago). I pick it up with a loving smile on my face to read in his large, bold and obviously distraught printing,

"WAY TO LEAVE THE KEYS IN THE FRONT DOOR LAST NIGHT!"

Ummmmm whooops! Did I do that (in my best Steve Urkel voice)? Yes I guess so since I went to the drugstore last night, and I was the last one to drive the car. Must've been my purchase of electric toothbrushes and three new CD's that got me excited. Thank God we have a large bolt on the front door (although you jump the fence and go into the backyard, you're in the house). Worse was his car is parked in the driveway so that could've been stolen too. When I read that I immediately felt stupid. How could I not? I'm surprised he didn't come upstairs and ream me one. Probably because he had to get to the airport stat. I'm sure I'll get a phone call later in the day. Collect call, "Ma'am will you, an irresponsible home-owner, accept the charges from a husband who is going to tell you what you did was incredibly careless?"

I have no clue what my problem is - but lately I've been doing careless things. I guess I'm preoccupied or something (yeah cause you know the titans of intelligence in my head are battling it out lately @@). Honestly, nothing fab going on, nothing stressful. I think it was just one of those dumb things. Like yesterday I also momementarily left my purse at the girls school and when I was in the parking garage of the mall, instead of hitting the command start button, I hit the alarm. There goes my van, screaming it's engine out in a confined space with amazing ecoquistics. People turn and look and of course, I sheepishly make my way to the van and start it. LOL I was trying to disable it by hitting the button again (guess what - that doesn't work). Honestly, I never had to engage or disengage it. Case in point - I'm on a streak lately. What next? Tube top pulled down in a public place? Sure a lot of dirty little men would get a cheap thrill only Cialis could conjure up.

Anyways, short of being elected by the Darwin awards committee (which I possibly could win), I need to be on my best behavior for a while. My vow is to think before I act... or try anyways.

STARTING THE DAILY GRIND

Friday, I spent the most glorious day outside on my deck. I mean it was AWESOME. It was sunny and hot, and I loved every iota of it!!! I invited my neighbor and her kids over to play. I just bought a new kiddie pool and the kids were going nuts. Me and my friend (minus the much needed margaritas), sat under the deck umbrella just vegging out. And then another neighbor came into the backyard unannounced. He just came home from work, is a mutual friend of ours, and asked if his wife and kids were in the backyard. Me and Alana were overcome with an uncomfortable silence and said, "Ummm no." It wasn't that she wasn't invited or we don't like her... honestly we just do stuff alot without her because me and Alana are more alike one another. We threw out the "You guys should come over" line... thinking boy that sounds like a humoring quip - and he left. After we just looked at each other in horror like we just got caught giving a hand job in the boys lockeroom in school or something. We questioned whether we should always throw her an invite. Then reasoned she never calls us to do anything... only us calling her. I think that rationale alleviated our guilt a tad.

Saturday, I was in party mode. This meant cleaning the house, setting up decorations, combing my children's' impossible rat-nest hair (I'm serious - they are follicularly challenged). Jarrett went to pick up some stuff and then called me to ask if the birthday cake should have color on it. Say what? Apparently they just transferred the image of Curious George in black and white and didn't color any of it. There you go - wonderful cake for a five year olds birthday. White plain ass cake with gray picture. I told him to get them to color it in - I mean CMON!!! They did and the job was sub-par at best. I will not be getting cake from them ever again. Luckily the kids didn't care. As for the clown - two children clung to parents wildly and screamed like he was Hitler the Clown. My children thought he was great. He truly was. He did a magic act, and then did animal balloons. Jarrett quipped he wanted some bunny ears for me later, and I got some. LOL no I didn't wear them to bed that night. It would've been a safety liability anyways. You pop one of those off, my hubby couldn't have lost an eye or something worse!!! Other mom from Friday was there too of course (Hey we don't not invite her to everything). Since me and Alana decided to go to a movie on Sunday, we asked her if she would like to come. She said no, she's too busy. We were sure if it's just because she was upset she didn't come to the backyard pool party or if she doesn't like us... or she was really busy. In either case, we did extend the invitation.

Sunday the weather sucked. I was supposed to get my sleep-in day but Kierra ran into the room at 7:30 screaming, "Mama, mama, mama!" at me. Jarrett apologized and took her downstairs. I was awake though. But instead of going downstairs, I spent the next two hours watching "Bridget Jones Diary" on t.v. I figured I may be up, but no way I'm getting out of bed! We decided to go to Rona to look for the deck box we desperately need. It was the kids' soccer wind-up party; but with those clouds in the air, no dice!!! We ended up buying two lounge chairs and the deck box. I had to argue with Jarrett that they would all fit in the minivan - with the kids. Him admitting I was right must've been hard. I must have a Tetrus brain or something, because I had it all mapped out. Unfortunately this didn't accommodate the fire pit we also wanted. It was either that, or leave one of the kids in the Rona parking lot. We opted to keep the kid (although it was a really nice fire pit). When we got home, we had the brilliant idea to have lunch outside. It ws cold and miserable but the kids insisted we stay. After we put the chairs together, and were talking when again, neighbors came back unannounced. I don't know about you, but I get irritated when people just invite themselves over. I mean we could have been talking shit about them or something and then we turn around and there they are. As it turns out, we were discussing the shed we plan to get next week-end. Note to self though: don't talk about anyone that could suddenly come unannounced in your backyard.

So that in a rather large nutshell, was my week-end!! My in-laws are coming next week (blah), but Jarrett has all of next week off. The twins have their last day of school this Tuesday and then my prison summer sentence starts. Also the Calgary Stampede starts this coming week-end (can I get a yahoo?). I'm sure I'll have some interesting tales to tell in the upcoming week. Ciao!

THE ONGOING HEADACHES

I'm in that "post medication" funk. I hate that. I took Tylenol with codeine's last night for a headache I've been having off and on for three days. Then last night I decided maybe those were pre-migraine headaches. I was looking for my migraine meds and alas, couldn't find them. Panic overtook me instantly. The last time I didn't take them right away, I ended up sitting in the ER for 6 hours and then got sent home with a shot of morphine in the ass.

After a collective effort to find them, I finally did. They were on the TOP shelf of our medicine cabinet under a box of very old condoms. LOL I'd say it's time to throw those out! Believe it or not, my head STILL hurt after having all that medication in me. What a doozy. I'm hoping today will bring better things since taking so many meds to manage it, could cause rebound headaches. What a pain in the ..... brain.

So today I'm getting ready for the twins big birthday party. Yes they had their actual birthday over a week ago, but I'm talking the "kid" party. Aha!! You thought I might actually be headache free this week-end???? My initial intention was to have it all outside in our backyard. Until this morning it looked good. Then I turn on the weather channel this morning to see chance of thunderstorms. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I do not want all these kids in my house!!! I hope and pray (as should you) that the rain at least holds off until the evening. I even hired a clown; let's see how many kids have nightmares tomorrow night. I took me forever to find someone to do it - but I found a bakery to make me a Curious George cake. I ended up ripping a page from a coloring book and said, "Can you do this?" They are going to do a transfer image onto the cake. I've never had one of those before but really - as long as it's edible and it looks half-way like George - I'm golden.

Well I should go. I'm debating whether my head is clear enough to drive to Home Depot this morning and pick up this Rubbermaid outdoor storage container. Jarrett was supposed to go get it last night, but he forgot. I need someone to store all my gardening junk so kids don't play with it (in case they do have the party outside). I'd also like to mention my house is extremely hot and my husband STILL didn't buy the central air compressors. He thinks that having to buy two is overkill (we do need two though). I'm thinking he's not getting any on those nights it's really hot and humid in our bedroom. That might cool him down LOL. What? Using sex as a way to get what you want? LOL damn straight!

COULD THIS BE THE END?????

(WTF Imeem is being a pita today)

.................. Of my posts about soccer? Very probable!! The kids had their roundup game a few days back. The weather was wonderful and the field was miraculously not soggy (considered we got torrential rain).

The twins were out there giving it their all. It was the most Kierra has ever participated in soccer. She was running with the kids down the field and the whole thing. Jenna was doing ok - she'd be on a breakaway with the ball and then... FALL. I swear to you, she did this about five times! Each time she started to bawl as the opposing team took the ball and ran off the other way. Poor kid. I don't know what was bugging her, because she sure cried a lot that game.

I just have to say this, it probably makes me a bad soccermom, but MAN our team sucked!!! We lost 3 players mid-season, and there was 3 brothers on our team that never shared the ball. I mean they'd take it from team members. Pretty lousy. All the other teams got noticeably good. Ours didn't. I mean I guess you can't expect Beckham quality soccer from 4-5 year old kids, but I didn't see a vast improvement in skills at all. I did notice the other coach really riding his team members. I thought it was a little overboard considering most of these kids can't even tie their shoes. Then again, his kids actually looked like they learned something this year. Oh well... at least they were outside and got some exercise. Next year will be a better year. Plus Karis will be able to play then as well!

At the end of the game, the coach gave all the kids a medal. Kierra was so happy with hers. She kept staring at it - totally enamored. She tried to wear it to bed. She wasn't pleased when I told her it wasn't a good idea. Jenna was pretty psyched about it too. Karis was upset - she didn't get one. Try explaining that to a 3 year old that gets to do the practice drills with her sister's team. Whoops!!! Of course I did take pictures (ask Janis - I have problems with picture overkill).

Anyways, so that's it for my tales of soccer. I'll look through some clips on my video camera later, because there is a perfect shot of Jenna on a breakaway... then falling down. It's kind of funny but it's not know what I mean? I'm sure we'll laugh about it years down the road.

HUMOR ME

I'm posting some jokes/quips today. Mostly because I'm too lazy to think of anything ingenious to say!! ENJOY!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.


5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and
Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the
WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct
tape.


9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get
another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends; you never know when you might need them to
empty your bedpan.


I Met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom you still awake?"


A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices straight away that he has a steering wheel attached to his crotch. Baffled by this, he decides not to ask about it, as the Pirate seems like a vicious fellow. After a lot of drinks, the pirate starts to get chatty with the bartender and they become fast friends. Feeling that their relationship has gone to a new level the bartender asks the pirate, "I couldn't help but notice that you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch." The pirate looks up from his beer and grimaces, "ARRRRR ay, and it's driving me nuts!"

STICKY SITUATIONS... STICKY RESOLUTIONS?

*Sigh* - every once in a while I go off on my serious tangent about something that is either A) bothering me, or B) offending me. Today would be a little of column A and B.

I recently became re-acquainted with an old friend from high school. Actually back that up a bit. We were the only girls in a classroom of 10 students (small town ya know). We were the best of friends for 6 years of school. We have a lot of history. After high school went our separate ways. She was making choices in her life I didn't approve of, and then I went to the States to go to university. The last time I really saw or spoke to her was at my wedding in 1998.

Anyways, about two weeks ago, we found each other again on Facebook. I thought it was nice to catch up and see how things were going. I hadn't, at this point, mentioned Kierra's disability. Not because I'm embarrassed or anything - but it's not something you exactly just blurt out all of a sudden. It's a private matte rand I usually want to feel connected to people when I discuss it. Funny huh? Especially since I rant online for the world to read. Anyways... We have mutual friends of ours that do know, so I thought there was a good chance she knew through one of these friends. Apparently not.

Herein lies the situation: her husband recently participated in a 13.5 km run this past week-end for a marathon. Any of you that have Facebook know that if you have mutual friends, that comments made on each other's page will show up on your homepage as well. One picture was of her husband and this other mutual friend after the marathon. Her husband had a goofy smile and a medal. She commented to the picture, "Thanks for putting this picture of my autistic husband up ... with his medal."

First off, her husband is not autistic. I went to high school with him as well. He once claimed to have felt me up (not true in the least), and he also cried when a bouncer at a bar punched me in the face (this is another story for another time).
Second, I couldn't imagine making a comment like that knowing something like this. I mean, I'd hope not! But I'm torn now. I don't want to embarrass her or make a huge spectacle of this... but part of me feels that how could I want to associate with someone that thinks it's okay to make derogatory remarks about a disability? Of course, I may just be very sensitive on the matter. I mean had Kierra not been autistic, I probably wouldn't be as offended. So I figure I have a few courses of action I could take. I could ignore it and not say anything. I could mention in passing that Kierra is autistic and let her connect the dots. Or I could bring it up and say that I was a little hurt and why.

I must say, I hate scenarios such as this. I hate to be the one jumping down someones throats. Especially when I don't believe it was said to be malicious in any way. However, the protective mom in me doesn't want to let this go. Any insight here? It would be greatly appreciated.

THE GOINGS ON

Well it's official - I'm back in lonely world once again. My mom just left yesterday morning to go home. We were lucky to guilt her to staying an extra few days. No I don't feel badly that I did it. LOL. Unfortunately it RAINED all week-end. I don't mean itty bitty little rain - we hit the record high for our area from the last 150 years!! Dang seriously - I'm sick of rain! We haven't sat on the new deck since it was finished. We have a gang of robins in our backyard eatting worms. It's like old school back there... busting a beak in their slimy asses.

We did manage to make it over to Calgary Zoo on Friday - before it started to pour. Lucky. The afternoon was a wash (literally) so mom and I hit the mall where I bought yet ANOTHER purse. OK seriously - intervention time. I have 12 now I think. I also bought a new wallet. It was funny, mom told me "go ahead, it's not like Jarrett will notice anyways." I told her oh yes he will. She assured me husbands NEVER notice these things. The next day we're in the car, he looks over and says, "When did you buy that? Did you buy that yesterday with your mom?" LOL. I TOLD her!!! He just shakes his head, asks how many is that now, shakes head again. I told you purses are like crystal meth to me.

I also picked up some shorts, some cute tank tops, some Vichy stuff... I was even nice enough to use one of my 2-for-1 deals and bought my sister a tank. I can be very nice when I want to be. I've also found that I love Starbucks' strawberry and creme smoothies. Like a lot!! Not good (for my ass I mean). Saturday, Jarrett took us all out for lunch, then we went and got my deck umbrella. He hates it - that's fine. I love it! LOL. I know, I know it's "just" an umbrella. I also bought some minature rose bushes... stage yet another invention. I heard Jarrett grown from afar, "Dang, MORE flowers?" I wish I could do a grand total of how much I've spent this year. But in my defense... most are perrenials ok?

Yesterday was kinda sucky. It poured - the kind of weather that is only fit for sleeping except you have three kids that don't respond to weather in that way. After they gave daddy their presents, we went out for lunch, then party shopping for the twins' big birthday bash this coming week-end. We postponed it until now - since some friends of ours couldn't attend until then. We even hired a clown (blah clowns creep me out). So they choose Curious George as a theme (shut up Janis lol). Hopefully the weather holds out. My dear darling husband will be gone 3 days this week. This sucks - I can't sleep when he's out of town. I get all psycho and imagine all the bad things that could happen to him and to us. I have issues didn't you know?

Well I should go. Kierra just walked by and she stuff herself into Karis' tights. I don't know how she did it... she's talented I suppose. Better to fix it now before she trips and hurts herself. Nice talking to you again!

DECK THE ...... BACKYARD

HOORAY!! It's done! The deck of doom is done!! Can I get a substantial "woot woot"? Seriously - this thing was a pita from the moment we started it. It literally took an ENTIRE day to drill 10 holes in the concrete patio pad (with a proper drill and everything!), it rained for two days which meant working in the rain. Splinters, swearing, and insane amounts of chop sawing - and it's done!!!!!

My dad of course, had to finish it off nicely. He did miter cuts and the whole nine yards on the fascia. It looks great! My dad does nice work. My poor mom's arms are tired. Jarrett is walking around like an 80 year old man with arthritis and bruised knees from all the kneeling he did. Me, hell I had my stupid period the entire time. Wouldn't you know it? Every time we do a project BAM there she is. She was there when we did the Playscape, she was there for the deck. I'm sure she'll be there when we build our shed.

Anyways, we decided to be nice and fly my dad home so he could stay a few extra days. My mom will drive back home herself on Sunday (which she is ok with; my dad drives her completely nuts on car trips). Me being a slave driver, I convinced dad to assemble my new patio set for me as well - because I'm a slave driver. The promise of an ice cold Pepsi did the trick. Apparently if you are hot enough, and the walk up a flight of stairs through the house is your destination, and you are in your 50's - you put the patio set together for your annoying first born child if she promises to go fetch you the carbonated drink. Wooo ha ha ha!!! (I would have got it for him anyways).

Last night I came home from Home Depot to find my mom trying to clean up a castrophe in the laundry room. She decided to rinse out a few things in my laundry tub, left the water on to run do something, forgot and came down to find water all over the laundry room floor, in the furnace room and a little on the carpet coming into the family room! Whoops! You should've seen her face when I found her. She had the same look Kierra gets when she does something bad. I helped her clean it up. She was very embarrassed. We figure it happens - not usually to us but to mom - it's not the first time she's flooded a laundry room (note to self: don't let mom near water and appliances in your home).

Today is the twin's school tea. Me, mom and Karis are going (after we drop off dad at the airport). I'm sure it will be cute. Jenna is devastated that Jarrett can't be there but you know, someone has to pay our mortgage!! I'm sure I'll have pictures of that. The twins birthday was really nice. I'll post pictures of that too later. For now, I leave you with pictures of deck - the completed works!!

AND THIS MARKS FIVE YEARS

Happy Fifth Birthday to my lovely little twins, Kierra Mekenna and Jenna Madison!!! Five years old - wow!

I'll save you the hookey "I can't believe it's been five years..." Wait - no I won't!! Because I truly can't believe it HAS been five years!! Where has the time gone? It's true you know, you look back and wonder how it could have passed by so fast.

Five years ago, I was laying in the hospital marvelling over my beautiful new baby girls!! I was also on a lot of morphine. To re-count the days leading up to this wonderful occasion I had: 2 cervadils, 2 bags of pitocin, one internal monitor, one external monitor, 2 cookies snuck to me at 1:00 a.m. by a nice nurse, 1 ruptured membrane (Kierra's), 2 shots of Stadol, 1 BEAUTIFUL epidural, 35 hours of non-medicated induced labor, 6 hours of epidural-induced sleep, one hour of contractions that were 30 seconds apart and 2 minutes long, 1 husband and my mother eating Krispy Kreme donuts in front of me laboring (jerks!), 3 c-section warnings, 1 bitch nurse I swore at, approximately 2 "son of a bitchs", 70 "this fucking hurts" and 1 "get away from me, you aren't helping me at all", 1 operating room, 2 OBGYNS, 2 anesthesiologists fighting with each other, 6 nurses, 2 pediatricians, 7 shots of lainicaine in the stomach (my epi wore down and they couldn't cut me yet), 1 cut in the uterus, 1 baby born at 12:37 am, 1 more baby born at 12:39 am, 2 very extremely happy parents, 2 pints of blood missing = one of the best experiences in my entire life!!

LOL sounds fun huh? Honestly you don't remember a lot of it. I mean yes I remember the scenario of events (well not all of it, there was 4 hazy hours that I get testimony from my mom and husband about - let's just say I wasn't nice during that time). But the best part was lying in my hospital bed around 5:30 am holding my babies. We were by ourselves and I was just staring at them thinking, "I can't believe you both are mine!" That was the most rewarding feeling I had ever felt. All the years of infertility heartache, the procedures and the endless injections were worth it all.

So I wish my sweethearts a wonderful birthday. This day is not only about the five wonderful years you have spent on this earth, making people smile. It's about my journey and celebration in finding what I was put on this Earth to do. To be your mom!

GETTING ALONG LIKE PEAS AND CARROTS - WELL PEAS AND BEANS ANYWAYS

I feel negligent. I haven't been up to date on my posting or reading posts. Sorry to all!!! I promise to be better soon. My parents are in town and we've been going non-stop pretty much from the get go. Jarrett and dad have been working on the deck (from hell). They decided to anchor the deck to the concrete pad, so drilled holes in the concrete most of yesterday. I have a feeling it's going to be a long process. Mom and I spent most of the week-end buying more plants (yes more plants) and planting those. Plus trying to trim up the trees and fix the soil. We figured we have too much clay in ours, so I bought some clay buster to fix the soil. Hopefully it works. The past two days were awesome weather wise. Today might be a bust later on. Although weather.ca sucks ass - they couldn't tell you what was going on at that moment, I don't take too much stock in what they have to say.

Tonight I have my belated Mother's Day massage. I forgot all about it until Jarrett mentioned it. So bonus!!! It was the earliest he could get me in. I haven't had a massage in a while, so I'm sure it'll be awesome. I feel a little bad since my folks are here you know. But I'm sure they wouldn't want me to miss it (even if they do - too bad! LOL).

My babies turn five tomorrow - my twins. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'm half-way excited, and the other half sad. How could it be five years already? We plan on having a little party for the family only tomorrow. The big party is on the 23rd (we even hired a clown). I have to remind myself to go to DQ and buy an ice cream cake for tomorrow. I'm sure I'll have pictures to post on Wednesday.

Anyways, I have to get outside. We are transferring a rose bush and then planting my peas and beans (well my mom is). It's only fair I help LOL. Have a good one!

THE HAPPENINGS

Let's see - in the past week we got so much rain, we had flooding in areas. Some people and a house got hit by lightening. It's been a wild week weather wise. There was so much water, my plant boxes on the second story deck were so full of water, it uprooted my petunias. Shit!! I have to go buy some more topsoil and try to save those guys (I think that may be a lost cause). I have no clue how starting the deck tomorrow is going to go. Mushy is my expectation. Oh well - we'll do what we can. Good thing Jarrett has a Master's Degree in civil engineering. My enginerd will come in handy. If he knows how to pour concrete under water, he can set some pilings.

I would say I've been frantically cleaning my house (that'd be a lie) because my parents will be here this afternoon sometime. I'm totally disorganized and grocery-less. I need a smack from someone to get me motivated please. Instead, last night me and my bud went for pedicures. HEY pretty feet = productively faster feet right? Right? Oh fine, I was being frivolous. But my toes are pretty! I don't have too much to do actually. I just have to wash floors and clean some bathrooms. Always with the bathrooms huh? I'm thinking of buiding some of them into the walls. If I can't access them, then I don't have to clean them right?

In other news, my neighbors had a sump pump put in their backyard because apparently we have a natural underground stream running down between us. They can't pour a patio without the sump. So they came, pulled off part of the fence, and drove a bobcat and a little backhoe through her and mine front yard. It looks HORRIBLE!! 1 foot deep tire trenches, muddy and ugly! I'm a little pissed off. Plus it gets worse, she's having more work done - it'll be about 5 weeks until it's fixed. So nice I get to look at it. She's having it fixed but the point being - it's just awful looking. Their backyard looks like a bomb went off. But their sump pump is running nicely!

Other than that, I'm just going to run like a chicken with it's head cut off for the next 7 hours. I don't know why but I can have a disorganized house in front of my mom. I feel like a teenager under inspection of my bedroom and if I fail, I don't get to go to the school dance or something. Oh and before I forget, if any of you are on www.facebook.com, let me know - I'll add you on. I'd say it's an addiction but it's not. I just like catching up with "some" people. Some people found me I wish that never found me (from high school). Note to them: if I didn't like you in high school I probably have no interest in you now!

Anyways, enough of my rambling. Hope everyone has a good week-end!

UNPREPARED PARENTS ARE WE

So back to the Kindy orientation... we get this package with all this information. You know the drill: don't bring peanut products to school, two different pairs of shoes (say what? two? - one for indoors and one for outdoors and one they come to school in is the extra), and of course all the skills they should know.

Now call me crazy but isn't the reason I'm sending them to Kindy is for them to LEARN a lot of this stuff? I'm not saying parent's shouldn't expose their kids to ABC's and 123's and whatnot ahead of time. But we all got the lecture on making sure our kids can hold a pencil properly (have they met my kids? They both have fine motor issues). The whole rigamaroll of what they'll be learning, apparently my kids should already know. Oh oh. All of a sudden I felt like the worst mom in the room. Am I the only one in there that hasn't been a drill sergent? I mean I read to the kids and stuff, but they don't know how to actually read. So does this mean mine will be the only kids that won't be able to? I'm having a panic attack - I feel suddenly like my children might be inadequate and that I'm a total slacker as a parent.

So my question is to you: how many of you are extremely dilligent in teaching these things to your children BEFORE you send them to school. Or are you more like me: they got a taste of most of it already - but they aren't exactly ready to pass Kindergarten on the first day? On top of this, I'm the Coordinator too. Someone please pass me a small brown paper bag - I'm starting to hyperventilate.

CAN WE GET A VOLUNTEER?

Last night was the twins Kindergarten Orientation night. First off, I thought it was at 7:30 - I told Jarrett it was at 7:30 - it wasn't at 7:30. I find out it's actually at 7:00. So our idea to run to the mall, buy the twins their birthday gifts, catch a bite, and then go to this meeting is down the toilet. Jarrett tells me lets go to the Mall, get the presents, go to the meeting, and then eat. Fine I can wait (right?).

We get to Toys R Us in a mad scramble, try to locate the items we are after. I got each of them one of those things you put on your ankle, and twirl and jump (yes I have no brain - I can't remember what it is called but they saw a little girl with one last week and were thrilled by it). From Karis, we bought a huge bucket with sandbox toys (since we actually filled the sandbox this year). From us, we bought Jenna a ballerina dance set. It comes with a pair of shoes, a tu-tu, bar, mat and a video. Kierra we got her the Dora stable set. Sure to be a hit. But alas, they didn't have any pools for kids.

With 20 minutes to get to our destination, we pay (not before we buy some chocolate bars to tide us over until dinner), and book it across the City. We arrive a the school and sit down. They start an hour orientation. It's all going well, until they ask for volunteers. Now I have Karis as an excuse. They don't allow younger children in the classroom for liability purposes. HA! I'm off scott-free! UNTIL they ask for a volunteer coordinator for each class. Whoops!! I sit casually and don't make eye contact waiting for some great person to raise their hand and say "Sure I'll do it!" No one is volunteering for our class. Everyone else's class has one. The teacher is looking stressed when all of a sudden I hear, "Sure I can do it!" And then realize that person would be me! ACK. So now I'm in charge of calling all the other parents, trying to get them to volunteer in class. How annoying am I going to be this next year? "Hi this is Elle can you volunteer your time to help with the children today?" Fack! Hopefully I can get emails or something, and just harass people this way. Did I ever tell you guys that I'm kinda strange with calling people I don't know? Maybe it's my mini-autism or something.

After they asked for volunteers to buy supplies. Damn it! I could've done that! I love to shop - I was BORN to shop. Oh well. After the meeting, a dad came up to me to thank me for volunteering. I guess his kid is in the same class as the twins. He gave me some lame excuse how he just couldn't do it (whatever buddy). Then we met the teacher and discussed Kierra's situation and needs, so I'm going to meet with her on Monday for a more in-depth discussion.

After, we hiked it to Canadian Tire to find that pool. We PROMISED the girls we'd get one since my last attempt at the $14.00 pool failed miserably. We find one: it's huge, it has a slide and a basketball net and a ring toss. Stellar! No price tag. Jarrett is trying to figure out how much it is. It's the last one and I tell him, "Hon just pay for it, who cares." NOOOO he wants to know. I said well, will he not buy it? He says no he's buying it, but how much is it? (Shakes head: ok). Get to the til, it's $50.00 - we buy it. All that inquisitiveness for nothing. We then went to eat, and on the way home he's complaining about taking out the garbage. He's saying it'll be past 10:30 before he gets to bed, and he has to get up at 5:30. I'm quiet because I know not to mess with him during his "I get up early" speech. I can't say nothing since I sleep an extra 2 hours than he does. You'd think I'd learn until I spout off, "So what then, you're saying sex is out of the question?" He gives me this annoyed look - lol. Boy I think like Slick sometimes dont' I?

So that's about it for me. My therapist cancelled for Kierra today so I'm determined to wear pj's until noon! Hey it's my right ok? It doesn't make me lazy - just means I'm on a vacation day! AHHH! And by the by - it doesn't matter if your husband wakes up at 5:30 am - he's still up for sex LOL.

WEEK-END EXTRAVAGANZA

It's been one of those week-ends that once it's done, you feel like you did way too much in the amount of time you actually had. At the same time, you wish you had an extra day because there was still more you had to do.

Friday I bought MORE flowers (it's like cocaine to me or something). I spied myself this nice decorative arch at a great price, and which weighed a ton. Foolishly I tried to stand it against the cart and when it went to clunk Karis in the head, I intervened with my hand and got a good smack. Instant bruise and a lot of pain. It still hurts like heck!! Better my hand than her head though. I also bought herbs because Maria told me too! I bought some oregano, thyme and rosemary. We'll see if I don't kill it in the first week. That evening, we went to the Cerebral Palsy fundraiser at our local amusement park. Proceeds went to research. Through the school, all the families of a disabled child got in free (even though we have season passes anyways). We still decided to take the girls. They had a blast!! We did rides, we ate really bad pizza and we had ice cream. By the time we shut it down, it was 9:00 pm and the kids were 2 and 1/2 hours past bedtime. Jenna kept saying she wanted to sleep in the van (no dice kid), and when we got home at 9:30 they were definitely ready to hit the sheets. Didn't hear a peep out of them! They had a lot a fun though - so for one night, we thought it was okay to let them stay up. It was amazing to see the range of disabled families there. At one point we were in line with a family (in front of us) with a son with autism, and behind us a family with two autistic children. I will readily admit - it's sad to see so many children afflicted with this disorder. However, it is nice to see all these families just living their lives. It looked like everyone was having a great time.

Saturday back to the dreaded play scape assembly. Actually the problem isn't assembly - it's tying down the cables. You dig too far and it's just muddy mush and nothing for the anchor to hook on. This poses a problem of sorts, because no anchor, and the kids could flip over (highly unlikely but why take the chance?). I had also bought a new kiddie pool for the girls, since our old one bit it. Once I got it home, I tried to fill it and because of our very uneven backyard (it slopes down) the water wouldn't stay in. Worst $14.00 investment I ever made!! Thank goodness our neighbors got a new pool (and they have a flatter yard) and invited us over to come swim! Bonus! Jarrett told me emphatically to go, then he could work on the play scape without the girls harassing him. So I went next door, sat on a lounger all day pretty much, and worked on my tan. The girls were having so much fun! And then we got a freak thunderstorm and ran inside the house LOL. But at least Jarrett bought 15 minute setting concrete to anchor the ties down. He had it set with 10 minutes to spare. That evening, I watched "Music & Lyrics" with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. I had to laugh at the intro - how 80's was that?

Sunday I slept in to glorious 10:30. Me and my hubby have a pact. He sleeps in on Saturdays... and me on Sundays. Works great!! So I woke up, hubby took us all out to lunch. Then we went outside and he attached the cables to the anchors (don't worry we are actually done with that thing now!). I planted the rest of my flowers and the girls picked dandelions and threw them in my topsoil bag (nice). Again flash thunderstorm. I swear, it gets to be high 20's and then you get rain from hell to mark the evening. At least the flowers and grass benefited. Me - I went to "Pirates of the Caribbean" with my friend Alana. Who would pass up seeing Johnny up close? Not me thanks! Someone should've told me it was 3 hours long though! I wouldn't have drank a bottle of water.

So this week it's either scorching out, or raining, and then we'll see a dip in temperatures. My parents are planning on coming later on this week. It's the twins' birthday next Tuesday (note to self: buy some presents for them). Hopefully dad and Jarrett get most of the deck done while he's here. This summer is already turning out to be nuts, and it's not even technically summer yet! So... who wants to come mow my grass? I'll make you a nice sandwich for lunch! Any takers?

WORKING WITH GRIEF

I was grocery shopping yesterday (fantastic feat when you forget you have ALL your soccer equipment in the back of your van when you go to load your groceries), and in the check-out, I saw the newest "People" magazine. One of the featured articles was Holly Robinson Peete discussing her son's autism.

Any time I see an article on a magazine, or on the internet about autism, I always feel compelled to read it. Well I mean minus the research studies (I'm sure all autism parents read those when they publish). But it's more the social stories I'm talking about. Reading about other people in a similar situation as you, talking about their child and their struggles. So you know I bought it and later in the afternoon, sat on my couch and read it. I have to say this: it amazes me how every parent seems to go through the same experience. It doesn't matter who you are, whether you are just the average Joe or a famous celebrity. We all breakdown to the same place, and go through the same emotions: shock, denial, anger... That immediately makes me think of the five stages of grief by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. For those of you not familiar with this, it is the psychological explanation of the emotional stages when dealing with grief over death. It's always interested me how closely the two scenarios seem to command the same stages of dealing with grief. So my question is: is dealing with the "loss" of your child to autism the same as dealing with the grief of death. Yes I realize this is not a comparison. In autism, you still have your child (this in no way minimizes those who have actually lost a child). I'm specifically talking about the grieving process; not the situation that triggers it. And what I have found is most families I read about seem to go through this process.

When Kierra was first diagnosed, I was expecting it. I knew in the back of my mind months before we even started the evaluation process that this would be the verdict. I tried to emotionally prepare myself as best I could. Still, I was still semi-floored when I skipped through the evaluation papers to the very last page where it said, "Kierra is diagnosed with Austism Spectrum Disorder, mild to moderate range." Maybe it was seeing it in print that made it real. But there it finally was. Of course as soon as everyone left I had a major breakdown. Jarrett strangely went back to work (I think he never truly believed that would be what they told us). And over the next year or so things changed a lot. I was a lot more depressed, upset, angry - trying to bargain with God to give me back my child. And finally I came to accept that Kierra was who she was. However, I did for a long time, mourn the child that I thought I had.

As a parent of autism, it is a hard thing to accept to have a notion that your child is perfect in every way, and to have that rug pulled out from under you. It's difficult to see your baby born and reach all her milestones. To see her thrive and begin to talk. Ah the talking... you know every parent is thrilled to hear first words. I had no clue that I would have to fight to get them back a year later. It is heartbreaking to watch your child slip away and not be able to do anything about it. Such is the disorder: it is cruel.

Don't get me wrong, I accept my daughter for who she is. She is still my sweet girl, and I love her with all my heart. But I'd be a complete liar if I didn't say I sometimes wonder what she would be like without Autism. What stories would she sit and tell me? Who would be her best friend? What's her favorite color? All the things I know about Jenna and Karis are a mystery to me with Kierra. It is hard to live with someone, to love them, and not know entirely what they are all about. I'd also be a liar if I never admitted I grieved for a life for Kierra that she'll never have. That sounds harsh but it's not to undermine her quality of life in any way. I mean I mourn for her ability to live her life simply and without the problems of her disorder getting in her way. At the tender age of 4 (five in a few weeks), I already see the hardships that lay in front of her. Add that with the normal life struggles - it seems unfair. I wish for her the same things in life as my other two daughters: love, happiness, contentment. Those don't seem unreasonable things to ask for.

To answer my own question, parents of autism definately grieve for the loss of their autistic child. It is a process of dealing and coming to terms with a situation we didn't count on. However, it proves to us that our love for our children is boundless. That we struggle through our feelings and rise to the occassion to completely support our children and do what we have to. To be honest, it's not hard to give it your all when you think about all that you give back to your child. It's not a sacrifice when you find something in yourself you never knew you have. Unlimited love, devotion and knowing that no matter what, you would never give up on your kid. Being the parent of autism is a hard thing no doubt about it, but it definately makes you aware of the kind of person you really are. Through all the grief, that is the greatest reward.