REFEREE AT GYMBOREE

HOLY CRAP!!! I just got back from what could be nothing less described as complete pandemonium. I'm lucky I made it out of there alive, and I believe I will be later dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder!

I'm speaking of the first day of "Gymbucks" at Gymboree. Those of you that have never experienced this... HA you call yourself a warrior? I'm talking thrashing through hoards of crazed women, waving their blue and green Gymbucks in the air, and grabbing virtually anything that has a sale tag on it! I mean the funniest was the lady with the 3 week old baby - she's buying size 7T jeans and 3T shirts. I'm sorry, is it so much a deal that you're willing to buy them 3-7 years in advance? I mean, I'm sure they'll have Gymbucks in the future.

I took Karis with me, and I'm shocked I didn't loose my third-born in the wave of shoppers. I kept her close to me, trying to make it to sections of the store, unsure if I'd ever see the light of day again. I couldn't help myself - they had the cutest little blue tulip dress and matching sweater in Karis' size. It wasn't even on sale for God's sakes, and I was still fighting with some top-heavy broad with 12 coats-to-many of mascara and a cheap-ass hair extension. Tip: if you are going to weave fake hair onto your hair, make sure the quality is a little better looking than horse hair... I mean c'mon! One woman just stood there as I was pinned into the corner by the little floral print dresses, refusing to move. I was ready to tell her Karis had explosive diarrhea... until she finally made eye-contact with me and rolled her eyes and moved over.

After I finally got my selections (which were hard to find seriously - the store was picked over already and it was only 4 hours into the first day), I made my way to the end of the line, which was approximately 10 people long already!! At first I felt like saying screw it and just leave, but then I thought if I came back A) these items would more than likely be gone, B) I didn't just get elbowed in the head to leave without my bounty and C) I already drove out there and I sure the hell wasn't going to go back! I had $250.00 worth of Gymbucks for pete's sakes! So I waited, and waited... and waited some more, finally making it to the counter. I slapped it all down, as I heard one of the cashiers mutter, "I hate Gymbucks". Amen sister!! She rung in my purchase (which totalled about $500.00 - but remember the Gymbucks) and I go to whip them out and low and behold - I forgot them at home!!!!!!!

Just kidding! Wouldn't that have been hilarious? Seriously - I mean in a mean, twisted sort-of-way I think you started to smile didn't you? No I had them with me and got my $250.00 discount on all the cutest clothes you could imagine. The chick next to me only had $50.00 - I think she was waiting to see if I would have an extra I wasn't using. Sure - and you can pay me $10.00 for every $25.00 coupon I have!! HA - I'm not giving those away!!! So purchase completed, and I swear to God, and this is no lie, the cashier gets a box of white Glad garbage bags out, and puts my purchases into the garbage bag! I look at her with a "are you facking kidding me?" amazed expression, and she says "Oh well we don't' have any more large bags... it's either this or 8 of the tiny bags". So basically my choices are numbered to carrying insanely stuffed, multiple bags or one white garbage bag. I say fine, give me the garbage bag (without handles either you know!), and leave the store embarrassed beyond belief because I look like some strange beggar woman trying to pay for clothes with pop cans at Gymboree.

Anyways... any of you that are planning on braving this event I have some tips for you. Bring water (it's hot in the stores), bring earplugs (lots of babies screaming with mother's just trying to find 2-3T socks), and a tazer (because some of those bitches shopping just need a good jolt!). Happy shopping!

P.S. This Hannah Montana song is dedicated to Karis - because she claims it's "her song" and she does a pretty good dance to it. I'll have to post the video when I have the time - it's a hoot!