INTERVIEW THIS

Against my better judgement (and partially for the entertainment of Dari), I decided to partake in the 5 question interview from good old Slick. For those of you not well-acquainted with the Slickster - my aren't you lucky? ;) But seriously, I know he's got something interesting cooked up for me, and he rarely disappoints. Some people find him offensive. I say take it with a grain of salt. If you take people too seriously, you aren't having any fun at their expense.

So he brazenly emailed me my questions five!! I was afraid to open it to see what would be there. I wasn't too shocked, except for question five (you'll see why). So without further adieu, "Slick Interviews Elle".

1. You are trapped on an island with Al Sharpton and RuPaul. You have
cooked a bird and made a berry pie. Which one gets the dinner and who do
you give your dessert to?

LOL ok that was definitely a question I wasn't expecting. Can't I just let both of them go hungry? LOL. OK, I would give RuPaul the bird. She/He's a big boned gal and probably could do well with the protein. Doing all that catwalk strut probably works up one's appetite. Plus I don't imagine it's easy lugging around that crazy-ass weave. So I guess that means Al gets the berry pie. Now Al can't get all up in my face that I'm treating them unequally; after all they are both of the same race. He might tell me I'm going to hell for giving the tasty bird to the transvestite.
I would just rationalize that Al would be better off with the pie. After all, isn't he used to having it all over his face?

2. As you well know, I'm about to be married. (No, I will not give you my
phone number). This is my second time around. What advice do you have for
me?

Hmmmmmmm, my best advice is to never leave arguments unsettled. There is nothing worse than people who dredge up situations from two years ago because they never bothered to resolve it. There is nothing to be gained by trying to keep the peace with someone and not saying what's really on your mind. It always comes back to bite you on the ass. Even in cases where you can't come to an agreement, agree to disagree and move on. And always remember that as much as you think you are right sometimes, everyone has their own point of view and what may seem right to you, may not make sense to someone else. So try to be open-minded - it's amazing what you can learn from the other person. That and don't leave your grey gnarly underwear on the floor. Dude put it in the hamper!


3. In your opinion, what are the 3 biggest weaknesses men have? The 3
biggest strengths?

I think the three biggest weaknesses men have are:

1) They think that they have to be macho for girls to like them: I have never been drawn to a guy who comes off full of himself. Chances are, if he's got that big of a head, there is no room for me in the relationship. Guys need to realize that girls (quality ones anyways) appreciate guys putting themselves out there for who they really are and not putting on ares.

2) They easily bend when a woman cries. It's true. Whenever I cry (which isn't very often) my husband gets very upset and will almost do anything to make me happy. Guys seem to hate that emotional vulnerability in women. They like other kinds, but not that one in particular because it usually makes them feel crappy and realize they do have a conscience. Plus it makes them weak because they are know in the worst possible position to be manipulated to do something they may otherwise not do.

3) They are way too obsessed about their bedroom capabilities. Seriously, I dated a guy once and he was so unsure of himself, and so worried about stuff... he made it bad because of all his self-induced psychological trauma. Men worry too much about whether they are big enough, last long enough, and that they can satisfy their women. I think men tend to be a little overly paranoid in that area. And it's not really sexy ya know? Use what ya got and get your groove on fellas!!

I think the three biggest strengths about men are:

1) A man that can show his paternal side and not get all worried about what people think. I love it when I see a man being affectionate with his children. That, to me, shows that he's a real man and is secure in his role as a father. The fact that he loves to cuddle and spend time with his children; an attribute!

2) A man that is not afraid to show you affection in public. I don't mean stuffing his tongue 6 inches down your throat in a passionate kiss. I mean a guy that isn't afraid to hold your hand, put his arm around you, or even whisper I love you in your ear. Men who aren't afraid to show their affection aren't ashamed of their feelings for their significant other. That's damn sexy!!

3) A man that treats you like his equal. I hate chauvinistic pigs. Seriously. I know a lot of guys that are stuck in the dark ages, and have serious disillusions about women. I like a guy that can admit that a woman is just as worthy of things in life as he is. I think a guy that doesn't feel threatened if his gal makes more money than him, but is proud of her... THAT's the kinda guy I'm talking about!!


4. Finish this sentence.... "Slick approached me with his pet tarantula
and stuck it right in my face....."

Slick approached me with his pet tarantula and stuck it right in my face, not knowing that I was going to wack it to death with my shoe and if Slick got in the way, so be it!! He should've never put that thing near me in the first place!

5. What exactly do condoms taste like?

Honestly, I have no clue!!! I have never tasted a prophylactic. I don't imagine they taste too good though. Probably rubbery. I do know what a bunch of flavored massage gels taste like though lol HEY I'm not a total prude ya know!


If anyone wants to do an interview with me, as their host, let me know!!! You can sit on the hot seat and let me fire away!!!

WHO BURNS IN APRIL???

Honestly????? I am officially a total weirdo (don't snicker to yourself and say ummm you always were one). I have a sunburn and it's April.

Saturday we decided to have a day out with the kids. We started off by going to the field with our soccer equipment and kites. The kids had a ball! Jenna honed up on her goal keeping skills, I scored a lot of goals against a 4 year old and my husband showed me that he still have some skills ... on the field that is. He can move pretty quick and fast... with a soccer ball LOL. Get your mind out of the gutter. Honestly - it's embarrassing!

I was shocked the kids didn't lose the kites. I bought them these cheap ones because let's face it, I'm not spending $25.00 on something that's going on a trip to the rocky mountains after my kid is holding onto it for five minutes. We did lose three pieces of the tail on one, but that's a minor casuality. After, we went to 7-11 and I got a Slurpee (YUM) and the kids got a little treat. We then spend the rest of the afternoon in the cul de sac riding bikes and playing with the neighbors kids. It was simply lovely out. I mean I still had on my jacket, but it was partially unzipped and I was just enjoying the sound of little kids laughing, and occasionally falling off of bikes. It wasn't until I got inside did Jarrett say to me, "Did you burn yourself?"

I laughed at him of course. It must just be a little redness from the windy. It was pretty windy out. Then I touch my skin and it's pretty hot. I look in the mirror and I have a very noticeable "V" from the shirt I was wearing. I then notice my forehead and tip of my nose is red too!! I yelled "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" - because what else can you do when you are going to the opera the next day and you've burnt part of your chest and most of your face? I quickly slapped on some aloe gel, hoping that would help.

So I ask you: WHO burns themselves in April? April... in Canada... in the mountains? Seriously? Me that's who. I have extremely fair skin (one grade above being albino honestly). Then I automatically thought about the kids... thinking oh no, they hadn't any sunscreen on later. Thank goodness for genetics on that one, they have hubby's tanning DNA. They are all glowing from the benefits of the sun. Me? I'm just applying makeup to my burned chest so my dress doesn't look totally horrible for our special date. Good thing the theatre is dark right?

WHEN MOMS FLASH THE CHANGEROOM

If you see a show on FOX about mom's that flash in change rooms, and there is this woman wearing hot pink panties with two small children screaming - that's me!!!

I decided to surprise Jarrett and I bought tickets to the opera "Carmen" for this Sunday. He's never been to one and has always wanted to check one out. I was delighted to find great seats in the balcony!!!! I did pay a premium for the seats, but I figure if you are going to try out opera, you might as well do it right. He was pretty excited about it, as I was. How often do you have an excuse to get dolled up and go out for a nice evening?

Therefore... I needed to buy myself a gown. Now I have gowns and stuff, but they are all summery. Plus I didn't feel like digging around the wardrobe box in the basement trying to find them. The last time I wore them was on our Caribbean cruise in 2005. Oh who am I kidding, I probably am a size too big right now to fit into them. Damn you Tim Horton's timbits! I not so graciously admit that since I stopped running, things haven't been as firm. I promise myself I will start again. I bought the treadmill and the new Nikes. Don't pressure me!!!! So finally I had a moment to go shopping with Karis and Jenna. Kierra has specialized services at school on Friday, so Jenna stays home that day. I figure I can hop over to the mall, peruse the dresses, and hopefully find one.

We get to the mall, and I bribe the girls with the promise of Dairy Queen cones if they behave themselves in the store. Nothing like a treat to get immediate behavior. Jenna is having a field day looking at all these dresses. She keeps running to every one imaginable asking me if this was a nice one (um no, I don't think mommy is looking for something that a 17 year old girl would wear). I pick out about 8 of them and head for the change rooms. Now in this particular store, there are no doors on the change rooms, just these heavy curtains. First off, why no doors? Second, don't they see the potential hazards of not having more than a piece of fabric separating patrons and waiting husbands?

Jenna and Karis owed and awed over the dresses. Apparently I looked like Cinderella in all of them. Every once in a while, I would traipse out to see myself in the three way mirror, just to get a full appreciation of what I look like from all angles. At about the sixth dress, Jenna exclaims, "mommy why are your boobies showing? You have pink boobies." (Took off bra to try on strapless gowns). I told her to hush, and that was impolite. I knew full well people could hear her in the adjoining rooms. They were probably laughing; and they were probably smarter than me for not bringing their kids to the store with them. Then Jenna proceeded to comment about my bum showing, and basically wouldn't shut up about it. When I tried on the seventh dress, Jenna gets this ingenious idea to open the curtain. Here I am, bra less and wearing underwear that mostly resemble dental floss!!! I quickly grabbed the curtain and pulled it shut. A woman and her daughter got a good show I'm sure. Lord!!!! I accidentally yelled something like, "Why did you do that? Don't you use your brain?" Nice I know - but remember I just showed two women my nipples ok? I decided on a black dress, and got dressed quickly, deciding to show the back end to the curtain in case there was a repeat unveiling.

At the counter, the saleslady rung up my purchase, and then commented on how lovely my children were and how well behaved!! I just about died laughing. I hardly think she'd agree if she was just giving a free peepshow in the backroom. Hopefully there aren't any cameras in that store. I'm sure I'll be downloadable on the internet in a few days if there are!

SERIES OF UNFORTUNATELY BORING EVENTS

This will be bit of a boring post today. First, I'm tired and in a lazy mood. Second, nothing good really happened since yesterday. LOL sorry folks, I'm in a slump. I promise to be more interesting soon.

My left arm has been spasming since last night. I have no clue why its doing this but it's annoying. I have a feeling a pinched a nerve or something, but I can feel is spasm from about my armpit to the back of my arm to the elbow. Doesn't exactly hurt - it's just extremely annoying. All night I kept having to move to try to stop it. Finally I figured out a position that stopped it. Problem is I move around a lot when I sleep. Needless to say, I don't feel well-rested this morning.

Yesterday the chair came!!!! Holy smokes - I just about passed out. I mean you dream of this moment for so long.... Funny thing is we forgot how wide it is, so now we're trying to figure out how to make it fit in the family room without making the room look overcrowded. The delivery guy then made a comment about my other leather couches, saying I should exchange them because the seats are much to deflated looking already. Say what? So I'm supposed to purposely deal with these people again after I finally got all my stuff? I told hubby if he wants to, to knock himself out. He'll certainly want to after talking on the phone with them for 10 minutes. So has the saga ended you ask? Eh who knows. For now I'm just happy the chair is finally here.

Last night I totally screwed up dinner. I've never made ribs before (I'm not sure why; Jarrett usually makes them), so I decided to try out Jarrett's famous recipe. I made up a rub, marinated them for a few hours, did them on the grill a bit, made up the sauce... which is where things went drastically wrong apparently. My husband has horrible handwriting, so I put in a TABLESPOON of cayenne pepper rather than one TEASPOON. I had them in the crock pot simmering and tasted it - wowza!! Those be some spicy ribs!! Which meant making something else for the kids. Our lips were actually burning during dinner. Some people may like that degree of spice - I don't!!!!

And last but not least, Jenna keeps telling me about this kid "C" on her bus, that keeps saying bad words. Being a concerned mom, I went to talk to the bus driver yesterday when she dropped the girls off at home. So get this, apparently the bad word Jenna was having a conniption over was "blah". Yes that's right - blah! This kid clearly has no concept of what a bad word is - which is amazing to me because I let a few gems slip out from time to time. I was trying to tell her that blah isn't a bad word. She freaked on me for my constant use of it. This is the same kid that told hubby I said I horrible word but wouldn't tell him. Jarrett comes to me asking what on earth I said, and I said "slippery hands". LOL I'm serious. My kid is totally strange.

My three year old just ran by without any underwear - this should be an interesting development. That's my cue to go! Hope you all enjoy your week-ends!!

MEME OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!

I found this on Maria's blog - and you know I thought it was a funnier meme, so I decided to totally steal it. WOO HA HA - that's right I plagerize when I can't think of anything good to say (besides that, you're all probably sick of me complaining about my leather chair).

1) You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
HMMMMMMMMM, well I couldn't say really because if I ever said her name outloud, and she read this... the consequences would be astronomical!

2) You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
Michael Jackson - he's just a freak!

3) Who would you really just like to punch in the face?
The next person who tells me they aren't delivering my leather chair.

4) What is your favorite cheese?
Asiago, but it has to be finely grated on pasta.

5) You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
Clubhouse with turkey, mayo, bacon, lettuce on a lightly toasted focacia bread.

6) You, Elvis, and Princess Diana are in a dog sled, fleeing across the Siberian wasteland with wolves in hot pursuit. The wolves are catching up fast. Who would you throw out to gain speed and why?
LOL why not the both of them. The dogs could run a lot faster from the wolves without all that extra dead weight (no pun intended - oh actually yes it was).

7) You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no strings attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity?
Oh lord I don't know. I kinda have a thing for Julian McMahon from Nip/Tuck.

8) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
Tim McGraw - he's kinda hot.

9) Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a one hundred dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy Shit. How are you gonna spend it?
Probably save it for the DNA test to prove whether Julian or Tim are the father of my baby.

10) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Venice!!!

11) Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another one hundred dollar bill. Now that you are in a new location, what are you gonna do?
Spend it on a romantic dinner with my husband to make up for the two celebrity affairs I had.

12) Your dream date. Who, where, and why?
Honestly, it would be with my husband, somewhere really romantic, with me looking incredibly hot, and no children around.

13) An angel appears out of heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is?
I don't really drink. I would just ask for an open tab and buy all my friends a round.

14) Okay, girls and gay guys stand over here, guys and lesbians, over there. Girls and gay guys first: You're in bed with Marilyn, Monroe, Doris Day, and Salma Hayek. Who's gonna be the lucky girl? And similarily, guys and lesbians: You're in bed with Cary Grant, Paul Newman, and Johnny Depp. Who's gonna be the lucky guy? Give your reasons. .
Marilyn Monroe - she's an icon for pete's sakes. Plus she has nice boobs!

15) Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time traveling/phone booth. you can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
Three weeks ago, and play the lottery numbers so I can be a bazillionaire.

16) You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule that you put into place?
I am the almighty queen - bow down!!!


17) You have been given the opportunity to create the half hour TV show of your dreams. What is it called and what is it's premise?
My So-Called Crazy Life: About me, my children and how amazing it is I'm not on prescription meds.

18) What is your favorite curse word?
Skank

19) You have a choice of two doors. One of which you MUST go through. The first leads to a roomful of spiders, the second to a roomful of clowns. Which is it to be?
Hell the clowns. At least I'd have a floppy shoe to beat the spiders if they came into the second door.

20) Your house is on fire. You have just enough time to run in there and grab one inanimate object. So what's the item?
My kids photoalbums.

21) One night, you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by mummies. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Tell them if they are up, they might as well give me a foot massage.

22) You have George W.Bush and Osama bin Laden locked in a small room together. It's airtight, so both are gonna suffocate anyway, but what amusing weapon do you give them?
A 10" dildo LOL.

23) The angel of death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the angel of death is a pretty cool and in a good mood and it offers you a half hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. What are you going to do in that half hour?
Snuggle in bed with all my kids and hubby.

24) Truthfully, what underwear are you currently wearing?
Nothing but in my defense, I am in my pjs!! Normally, a thong.

25)You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice. What is it going to be?
The power to make people shut-up whenever I give them the look.

26) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time span can only be a half hour, though. What half hour of your past would you like to experience again?
Well since I have more than one kid, I can't choose that. So I guess the moment my husband proposed to me.

27) Moses trips on his robe and drops the stone tablets. Commandment 11 is broken off. He leaves it there as his back is killing him. What does it say?
Thou shall not pick thy nose while driving the car.

28) You can erase any horrible experience of your past. What will it be?
I'd really rather not say.

29) Rufus reappears with the time machine and a custard pie. Who's gonna get it?,
Me! I want to eat it, screw throwing it!


30) You get kicked out of the country for being a time traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super powers. But, you can move to anywhere else in the world. What country are you going to live in now?
Italy - I like pasta and having a big ass isn't a bad thing there.

31) What part of your body would you change and why?
My tummy, the two csections have left it looking abused.

32) You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it going to be?
I'll just build my own. Screw those assholes that are banning me!

33) What's the last thing you ate?
A peak frene cookie.

34) Suddenly you have gained the power to float. Who are you going to show this to first?
My husband, I'd scare him when he was on the toilet.

35) The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radio-active vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the power to resurrect the dead celebrity of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
Anna Nicole Smith - I want to ask her what she thinks about everything that has gone on in the past 3 months.

36) The celestial gates of Beyond have opened. Much to your surprise, Death appears. As it turns out, once again, Death is actually a pretty cool entity and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family member/person of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
My Aunty Angie; she died of cancer and left this world too soon.

37) What's your theme song?
I'm too Sexy by Right Said Fred (LOL I wish!)

38) When did you last have sex?
Right now... computers turn me on, as do mindless questionnaires.

39) Buffy, Willow, or Xander?
Xander, because I'm not into the ladies, and plus, he looks like he'd do ok in the sack.

40) Who's up next?
Whoever has the patience to fill this out!! God speed!

CHAIRS, RABBITS AND SOCCER - OH MY!!

Well first things first, I got pretty darn upset and literally YELLED at someone on the phone about the leather chair. You need to understand... I keep my cool most times. I don't like to get in people's faces, even though I want to. It's part of my non-confrontational nature. But you know, a gal can only take so much. I pretty much had an authoritative bug up my butt. You should have seen Kierra's therapists - they were amazed at my verbal smack down. I refused to be dismissed (after I was transfered twice). I got a lot of apologies and crappy rhetoric of course - the whole "we are so sorry," "I'd be upset too" etc. You know, appease the pissed off customer spiel. As a result, they are delivering the coveted leather chair on Thursday. Now they "say" this but I don't believe them. The lies, they have wounded me deeply. I wonder if such a chair even exists? Hubby says if they don't end up bringing it; it should be interesting what new excuse they come up with. I'm thinking either alien abduction of the truck, or that PETA hi-jacks in protest to my sitting on a cow in my family room. What's even funnier? After I made arrangements for delivery, TWO different sales reps called me to make arrangements. So obviously these are people with low IQ's. They didn't even bother to look at the computer to see first.

To cool off, I took Karis for a walk once the twins went to school. I love this time of day, because we just get to hang out; mom and her little one. In Calgary, we have a problem with jackrabbits. Well cause mostly we are on the edge of the city, and on the outside is community pasture lands. Oh ok fine: we encroached on the rabbits habitat and they are taking back the land (well trying, I don't imagine it's easy to dig oneself a rabbit hole in concrete). Their protests consist of eating all my flowers and bushes - hairy jerks. Anyways, the other day we saw a jack rabbit - and Karis was pretty thrilled about it. Imagine how happy she was when she saw TWO of them running together. These guys, man they are huge! They look more like kangaroos than rabbits. It gave me warm fuzzies because she was happily talking about these two rabbits, until I came down the parallel road and found a dead one beside the sidewalk. WHOOPS!! I didn't even notice til we were right beside it. I was praying Karis wouldn't spy him, but how can you miss a rabbit the size of a small mule? I'll tell you how, you lie to your 3 year old and yell "Look a helicopter!!" and push the stroller like Ben Johnson on steroids. The worst part is I know this thing will stay there until either the magpies get at it, or it just erodes naturally. Lovely. So that puts a kink in my walking route. I'll tell you what, that rabbit sure didn't have a lucky foot on him!

And to top off the day, we had soccer week two. Yes that's right! Now I know what you are thinking, "God, did it go as bad as last week?" Nawwww actually. It was ok. Jenna cried once, and then we told her to shake it off. She was running and kicking and having a good time. She even managed to score. Kierra pulled the flags out of the ground in a triumph, and I basically ran after her across a field yelling "noooooo!" Karis wanted to play, and after telling her no, I proceeded to accidentally poke her in the eye. Ooops!!! That's not good. She's screaming and I'm trying to jam a cracker in her mouth. Then Kierra sees the crackers, and comes running over to stake her claim on one as well. BUT we did manage to get home, no crying or tantrums!! Whew, only 2 months left to go!!

A CONTINUATION OF EVENTS

Please see post below if you aren't familiar with my on-going situation. This one would make much more sense. So I spent all day yesterday playing phone tag with a sales rep at the Brick. This was one of the conversations:

REP: I can't find your order in the system.
ME: Why? This morning someone was ready to send me the chair, and now you can't find it?
REP: Is it under another phone number maybe?
ME: Ummmm, no.
REP: Well can you hold for a minute?
REP: I see a 30" black range, is that it?
ME: NOOOOOO that's a stove!
REP: Ok, I see that. OK is it called the... oh I can't pronouce that word. It says it's red.
ME: No, for the millionth time, it's a leather brown chair. I ordered the complete set on Feb 10th.
REP: Ok, let me have a look here. I'm not finding it in our system.
ME: You had it on your screen this morning remember? You told me they delivered it to me on Sunday.
REP: Do you remember the phone number that order was under?
ME: Yes, the one you have on your file.
REP: I have a 30" black range, maybe that's a flatscreen t.v.?
ME: Are you serious? It's a stove! I got it last month!!
REP: But you bought a t.v. too?
ME: I got that T.V. months ago, and it's not 30 inches, and it's not black. And I don't cook on it!
REP: I'll have to call you back and try to have someone help me.

NEVER calls me back. So what do you think? Should I take another stove and sell lit on Craig's List? LOL.

LIKE HITTING A BRICK WALL

AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Ahem... wait no there's more. AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

That's much better.

So back in February, you might have remembered I bought a crap load of furniture and stuff for our house. Celebration for our much-anticipated contract cancellation of our dream home. (FYI: The house that should've been done next month, would have started to be built next month @@). Anyways, most of it has been delivered, albeit very late and most of the time re-scheduled due to a plethora of back order problems. Honestly, you think you drop over thirteen G's at a store, they could have some sort of professionalism about them.

Anyways, I have been waiting for the last piece to arrive. It is a chocolate leather chair. I have the ottoman people, I have the love seat... hell I even have the couch (that was initially replaced when they put a huge scratch down the back of it trying to get it through my front door). My coffee table finally came two weeks ago, which is great since I had the matching end tables back in February. Anyways, two week-ends ago the much anticipated chair is in stock (hooray!) and they attempt to deliver it. They get here, and low and behold .... they didn't put it on the truck. WTF? How do you forget that? Isn't that the point of delivering something? I looked at him trying to wrap my head around it and he's smiling at me dumbly. I felt like giving him a cookie and a pat on the head and telling him to be on his merry way. Instead I got bitchy and told him why should I expect anything less from them? He's apologetic of course. I'm eyeing him up seeing if I could skin him and make my own chair. His coloring is all wrong though; he shall be spared. So we reschedule for the Tuesday morning. Tuesday morning no call, why no call? Where is my call? I call them, and they say it'll be there between 3 and 10:30 pm. I told them no dice - I have my kids soccer game that evening (remember that? LOL). Of course they have no record of this. Besides who delivers couches at 10:30 at night? So then we re-schedule the re-schedule for yesterday.

Yesterday we get a call, they'll be there between 2:00 and 5:00 pm. It's now 3:30 and we get another call - the truck BROKE DOWN!!! Ohhhhhhhhh my pretties it gets better... they will deliver it that night between 10:30 and 1:30 am!!! WHAT? I don't think so!! Do they think we're some crack house open at all hours??? We told them forget it; that's ludicrous. If they came to my door that late, they'd be leaving with a kick in the junk and my chair. Of course this is my breaking point. I insisted hubby call the store (the name is THE BRICK; they are a Canadian chain), and reams the salesperson. She agrees this is crazy and will have the store manager call the warehouse and get it straightened out. Think that did it? Heaven's no!!! I get a message on my machine that they "would've" delivered it this morning, but I wasn't home (oh no, I was grocery shopping, I wasn't waiting by the phone for them to call!Never mind nourishing your family... you should be waiting for the leather!) but to call back at this number to re-schedule. This is a trilogy now you know.

I call and this snippity bitch tells me I called the wrong number. I know I dialed correctly, I actually have a brain. Hell I could probably even deliver a chair!!! She tells me, with a snotty attitude, she'll transfer me. Listen snippy bitch, "Bobby" told me to call this number, but I'm put on hold and listen to the spiel about how wonderful their store is. "Nobody beats the Brick!" Oh yeah, I'd like to beat you guys upside the head with a brick! So I get a receptionist, and she can't find my order. Then asks me if it was for a stove "UMMMM NO, you miraculously delivered that to me last month!" She tells me sorry, she's just starting the day and I'll have to excuse her. I say, "No sorry, I've been excusing you people for weeks. You'll have to excuse me. You guys keep jerking me around, so I'm a little pissy". Well then she tells me it looks like they delivered it yesterday.

Breathe deeply. Eye twitching sporadically... I think an aneurysm is imminent. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I think I wouldn't be wasting anymore time with you if they had. Do they think I slipped into a fugue state and forgot about it? So she's going to call me back in 2 minutes... it's been 40 now. I call up Jarrett at work and start blubbering at him in my stressed out (and probably whiny) voice. I decided to sick my husband on them again. If anyone can make their butt cheeks bleed it's him. Jarrett is not one to shy away from a conflict.

If anyone reads an article about some strange Canadian lady who goes totally berserk and jumps off Calgary tower screaming "you suck Brick" on her way down, or someone rustling steer and making her own furniture.... well that would be me wouldn't it?

YOU'RE STILL YOU

If I had made daily postings about things going on in my house last week - I most certainly would have driven you all away in fear of my going completely, and utterly insane. It would've been like watching a horrible car accident in slow motion. I certainly feel like I've gone through a windshield a few times in the last few days.

Kierra had a bad week last week. I want you to appreciate my definition of "bad". Getting a hangnail; that's an inconvenience. Having your eyelid catch on a rusty nail; troublesome. Bad defines watching things going totally out of control and you can't really control the situation. Basically it seems like Kierra has been on a downward spiral of regression. We are having a hell of a time figuring out what exactly is triggering it. My best guess is her aide at school has recently gone on maternity leave, and basically this has disrupted everything she is used to. She was really close to her aide.

Kierra has been reverted to things we had overcome MONTHS ago. Simple things like wearing a jacket, combing her hair, and wearing different clothes. She's only wanting to wear one shirt, and keeps it hidden under her bed at night. She's also peeing all over the house. She's potty-trained yet yesterday she peed three times on the carpet in the play room, and made a delightful mess in the bedroom after bedtime. You can imagine our utter horror coming home to hearing this from our babysitter. How much to you compensate someone for having to deal with that??? So much for nice ending to romantic date. I spent it trying to get crap off the carpet. The next day, she proceeded to pee on the carpet (this is the yelling I was woken up to this morning), and she also peed on my mat in front of the kitchen sink. The craziest part? She takes off her pants and undies, peees, then goes to sit on the toilet. It's mind boggling - why would you go through all that trouble when the toilet was actually closer to you? I won't even go into the marathon tantrums she's been having. Let's just say I've spent a lot of time on the phone long distance to my mom, trying to calm me down. It's a good thing I'm not a drinker. I would've been on a weeklong bender.

I understand she's not doing these things to be a bad kid. She's just reacting to having a monkey wrench thrown into her life. Autistic children usually don't bode well with change - especially unexplainable ones. She doesn't understand why her aide is gone, even though we've explained it to her. I actually emailed our child psychologist over the week-end for help. We could use all the help we can get!!
In spite of a bad bout of broncittis, she's meeting with me on Thursday (remind me to wear a surgical mask).

The worst part about this past week is it has made me and hubby feel at a total loss. It is very hard to see your child overcome so many obstacles that you've fought long and hard to overcome. And then in a few days it seems like all of it was for absolutely nothing. It's frustrating, but more disheartening. It sucks to feel so much impatience towards your child: because there really is no outlet to direct your anger towards. Both of us have had long faces today. It also sucks because when we get into these bouts, we wonder at what point does all the progress dwindle down and we are faced with the cold, harsh reality of what Kierra's limitations are? Me I'm someone that refuses to take no for an answer (ask my husband). But I know at some point, there are going to be challenges that will be lifelong for her. So why are we re-fighting the ones we've overcome?

Later in the afternoon, I was cuddling with her on the couch. We were just looking into each others faces, and she was smiling her gorgeous smile. My child has the most heart-warming smile. All my upset just melts away. Amazing isn't it? How days of chaos can be overturned so quickly? She stroked my face lovingly, said "mum mum" a few times. It makes me realize that even in days where I feel our whole family is going to hell in a handbasket, that the love is always there. That remains our constant. My love and devotion to her is constant. I know there will be better days ahead. But just looking and her, and holding her to me and knowing she was probably the happiest she's been in days; where she was at that moment... I had to whisper in that crazy head of hair "You're still you, and I love you forever."

INTRODUCING MY ALTER-EGO

I have had several comments from people who have said, "I never know what I'm going to find on your blog." So apparently the wordless Wednesday picture of a bullfighter's balls hanging out surprised a few of you? I GUESS I could have showed a cute picture of a kitten playing with a ball of yarn, or one of my kids sleeping with those adorable bow tie lips jaunting out. All those butterfly kisses moments in life. But then let's face it, I wouldn't be true to myself. Plus, you'd think I was this sweet, holistic gal up in maple syrup country. Give us Canadian chicks some credit will ya? We can be pretty crazy when we wanna be eh? I figured you should get to know the real me: crassness and everything. Besides, didn't anyone ever tell you that being predictable makes you boring? I wouldn't want to bore you... not after it took so long to get people read my blog!

As you've probably noticed, I can write about serious things sometimes. Things close to my heart. Things with great importance. I can be philosophical like Galileo (except without the facial hair), sociological like Comte (he's the father of Sociology; not many people would know this because they probably have lives and picked a more reputable degree). Sometimes I just pick a topic and just rant about it; so I guess that makes political... because let's face it, those guys pull stuff out of their asses all the time! I try to add humor where ever I go. It's a hazard of mine. I don't think I take myself too seriously, because once you start to get serious; people expect a lot more professionalism out of you. I wouldn't want that - Heaven's no!!! I like to pluck at heart strings and then offer a giggle too. Not shits and giggles, because that could get pretty messy. Also, it leaves me a little vulnerable. Not that there is anything wrong with being in touch with your feelings and sharing it with others. Unless of course, you are a man.

I've often wondered why I can't just stick to being serious. I probably could go back to my childhood when I moved around a lot as a kid, and tried to be the comedian to make kids like me. That or I just straight-faced lied about having 50 cats (Oh wait, I think I mentioned that a while ago didn't I?). Enter alter-ego: the child that tried too hard to make friends, and decided that people like people who make them laugh. Laughs are a lot cheaper than giving everyone a quarter to be your friend by the way. I traveled across Canada with my school-age comedy routine. In my high school yearbook, it said I was the most likely to make you laugh, and they all thought I'd be in advertising. Not sure exactly why that was though. I'm assuming they didn't mean standing on the street corner peddling my wares. Because that would probably make both prophecies true: a good laugh at me on the corner wearing worn out Lycra. (shudders)

Anyways... I guess I thought I'd officially forewarn all of you that while I can be pretty down to earth, sensible, thoughtful, analytical and all the rest of that stuff... I can also be a complete nut job sometimes. For those of you just figuring that out - well howdy! For the rest that are well acquainted with me - bonjour to you! And I do hope that you continue to enjoy my a-musings. I can't guarantee what I'll write, but I can promise you it won't be redundant. Have a great week-end!

YOUR DREAM WON'T COME ALIVE

My husband is one of those aggrivating people who claims he NEVER has dreams. I constantly correct him and tell him everyone has dreams, it's just whether or not you remember them. Typically, you have to awaken from a dream to remember it, otherwise it get's lost in the shuffle of dreamland. Interesting fact: the average person will have had four to seven dreams in one night. So add em all up, and that's about six years of constant dream sleep total! Besides his denial, he also talks a lot in his sleep as well. This man is the most BORING sleep talker imaginable. He dreams about work - I kid you not!!!! He'll talk like he's on the phone on a business meeting. He talks about acquisitions and mergers. I have to admit something - I mess with him. I'll say things like "The deal isn't going through, we'll lose millions!" and he literally gets stressed out in his sleep. You might think I'm a big meanie, but the man also snores like a buzzsaw, so I think if he's mumbling about business, or his adnoids are rattling around like a penny in a tin can, I can enjoy a few moments of mucking with him. In university, he'd dream about exams. He once told me some engineering theory, but substituted sheep into the equation. That was different. Then again, this is coming from a gal who once freaked out because she thought squirrels were eatting the molding around the closet doors.

Now me, I dream!!! And they are messed up! Last week I had a dream about a colony of vampires that were trying to convert me because they wanted a pregnant vampire. First off, I'm not pregnant so that makes no sense. Second, I went to the ballet "Dracula" last week, hence the vampire dream. And third, I'm part Romanian so isn't that a little funny? I almost always remember my dreams (probably because hubby wakes me up talking about stock options or making his ogre snore racket). So imagine my shock when hubby told me he was up at 5:00 and couldn't go back to sleep because he had a dream! Will wonders ever cease? But then he goes on how disturbing his dream was, so disturbing he couldn't fall back asleep. I jokingly thought to myself, "He must've gotten fired" but then he tells me it was about the kids. Now I'm serious. I hate having bad dreams about the girls; especially when you first wake up and have to convince yourself it's not real. Anyways, he doesn't want to tell me about it at first. I'm thinking it must be really bad. I convince him to tell me so he divulges his horrible dream.... ready?

He shot the kids out of a cannon; more precisely Kierra and Karis.

I started to laugh!!!! I mean I thought it was something horrible like a car accident or fire or something. You know? I mean I once had a dream of trying to save all three from drowning - and no one would help me. And my husband is getting bent out of shape out of loading the kids into an oversized cannon and making them the flying gambeenies. He was really upset I was laughing at him, asking me why he'd dream something so crazy. I had to reassure him he really, in fact, didn't want to fire the kids from a cannon (although some days...). I told him maybe he secretly wanted to see the circus or something. It was amazing he was so serious about it. I told him dreams seldomly mean what they present at face value. You need to dig a little deeper than that. After all; we are dealing with our subconscious here. Never know what that crazy bugger is going to come up with.

All in all, I suppose he's better off not remembering what he actually dreams about. I mean seriously; if it's that disturbing to him. I wouldn't want him to start having phobias about cannons. Why we may never be able to go to a civil war re-enactment, or go to the circus. And me? Well I'm content to remember, even if I'm being hunted by vampires or pushing the kids in the grocery store in a wheelbarrow. I try not to take what I dream TOO seriously you know.

SOCCER TALES: CRYING, STEALING AND SCORING ON YOUR OWN GOALS

So it begins: the trials and tribulations (and the utter horror) of being a soccer mom. We decided to enroll the twins in soccer this year and we just had our first practice/game the other day. Here I am with my little folding canvas chair, all ready to cheer on my little players!!

First things first, Kierra decides she does not want to wear her jersey. You'd think it was covered in thorns or something. She decided she'd rather wear her own shirt *sigh*. We get to the field and there is about 6 teams assembled there. She spies a team with florescent green tops (theirs are forest green) and she decides she'd rather play with them. Again *sigh* - so she's crying because we won't let her join their team.

The coach gets things rolling, and Jenna is having a ball. She's of course velcroed herself to the coach (she always does this with adults). She's doing pretty well actually and seems to be having good fun. Kierra, on the other hand, is standing there crying. She doesn't want to do drills, and a woman takes pitty on her and gives her a cookie. First off, let me say I hate it when people pity my kid. It's pretty obvious she's not typical... but acting like a bratt is acting like a bratt. You don't reward someone for a tantrum. But finally Kierra decides she wants to kick the ball, and participates a little. Cue starting a little game between teams.

Kierra doesn't want to play with the other kids. Jenna is good until other kids outrun her or take the ball from her. You can literally see her big mouth at the end of the field crying. I mean bawling. We try to explain to her that this is part of the game. Nope, every time she gets the ball taken from her the big mouth at the end of the field is crying. I'm so embarrassed by this point; but wait it gets better. Kierra STEALS a cookie from that woman who gave her one earlier. OMG seriously - did I mention how proud of my kids I am at this point? Karis is crying now, because she missed her nap and is super cranky.

Finally we put Jenna in goal, and she does really well. Unfortunately her own team member scored on her three times (at least I wasn't the only embarrased parent out there). Not to mention the kid that refused to be called by his name, because he prefered "Ace" instead. Finally after one long, mind-numbing hour, it's over. Jenna and Kierra both bawling. Karis crabbing at me as we try to lug them back to the van. Then Jenna proceeds to fall on the sidewalk. Once Karis realizes where we are going (home to bed) she's screaming. Honestly we were a walking advertisement for using condoms, the pill and anything else birth control.

And guess what the best part is??? We get to do it all over again next Tuesday!! I love being a soccer mom!

THE BROWN BANDIT STRIKES AGAIN

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH there is nothing more satisfying to wake up to hearing one of your kids yelling from their bedroom, "Mommy Kierra pooped on the carpet!"

*SIGH* - I thought we put this all behind us.

It has taken us exactly 4 1/2 years to poty-train Kierra. Four and a half LONG years. I finally got her going poop on the potty - well I thought I had. By the time I was in the room, she was sitting on her bathroom toilet, and I spied two friendly lumps on the carpet between the twins' beds. The worse part is if she hadn't tried to clean it up, it would have been a simple pick and flush. But NOOOOOO she tried to clean it, which meant she mashed it into the carpet. Did I mention I had just steamed cleaned those carpets last Friday?

Of course, just woken up, I wasn't the least bit impressed. Plus she had used about half a roll of toilet paper to wipe herself. Because you know, a bum smaller than a nerf ball needs that much tissue. Not even thinking, I flush the toilet - WHICH decides to overflow onto the tiled floor. Blue water everywhere (we have those blue pucks in the tank). I'm throwing towels on the floor to keep it from moving towards the carpet. I'm ready for a stiff drink and it's not even 8:00 am.

So now my morning consists of re-cleaning the carpet, sanitizing the floor in the bathroom, and washing a load of toilet water towels. Plus Kierra knows the deal: accident on the floor = no t.v. for the day. So she screamed at me for 40 minutes.

Can I just go back to bed please?

YOU KNOW... PECKERS

The Barbie Girl song is dedicated to Jenna - cause it's her favorite!

Lately, Jenna has been asking me about all sorts of animals. Basically she asks me what I know about them, and if I don't know enough, I get a brief lesson. Apparently I'm in need of guidance. For instance, I was informed catepillars make crysallisis, panda's eat bamboo, koalas eat eucalyptus, and that woodpeckers have really big peckers.

Jenna: Mommy, do you know about woodpeckers?
Me: No, why don't you tell me about woodpeckers.
Jenna: They are birds and they use their peckers to peck the wood.
Me: Ummmm they use their what now?
Jenna: They have big peckers for noses.
Me (laughing): No actually those are beaks. Do you know why they use their beaks this way?
Jenna: Yes, they use them to eat bugs. They use their peckers to get the bugs.

Seriously, me and hubby were killing ourselves laughing. It's so funny how in the gutter our minds are right? Later in the day, our babysitter "S" was over and when we got home that night she told us how Jenna was telling her that her car was much too small.

Jenna: Why is your car so small? Did you buy it that way?
S: Yes why? Do you think it's small?
Jenna: Yes it's much too small. You can't even fit in that small car.
S: Oh yes, I can fit in my car. Don't worry.
Jenna: No you can't. It's too small even for a lot of clowns. How will you put your kids in that car? What were you thinking about?
S: Well Jenna I don't have any children.
Jenna: Well what will you do when you have kids? You can't put them in a car that clowns can't get into.
S: I can buy a new car then, so they can all fit.
Jenna: I don't know, I don't think that was a wise decision to buy such a small car.

Where does she come up with this stuff? I think we've officially entered "kids say the darnedest things" country. She has yelled, "mom I can see your boobies" in change rooms in the mall, told me that she thought my panties were broken because they don't have a bum on them, and that sometimes babies don't come from tummies. Although the all-time winner was when she asked hubby if he pooped in his underwear because he had a lump in the front. Poor hubby, he was actually speechless which is amazing since the man is known for his witt. She then chastized him on proper potty etiquette.

You know I have to write these antedotes in her baby book. Oh and record these moments for later embarressment of course!

THINKING THROUGH

I was rummaging through a box of old books (me and hubby read a lot), and I came across a novel that I had read back in highschool. "Flowers for Algernon" by Daniel Keyes. Believe it or not, I liked it so much, I bought myself a copy after graduation. I love books that make me think.

For those of you not familiar with this story, it is based on the character Charlie Gordon, a middle-aged mentally retarded man who undergoes a brain operation to enhance his IQ. He becomes the first human being to undergo this procedure, after the successful intellectual enchancement of a mouse named Algernon. This book is done from the point of view of Charlie, and is written from his starting IQ (just under 60). It's just amazing how the author starts writing the book like a child and then morphs throughout into a man that has well above-average intelligence. I won't spoil the ending, in case anyone wants to read it for themselves.

The point of my post isn't to start a book club though (LOL), but rather to shed some light on the idea of surgically altered intelligence. Mainly; if it could be done, should it? When this book was first written in the 1960's, it actually caused a lot of controversy as being immorale (obviously this is totally fictional writing). But it did get me started on thinking about my own child. Although we are quite certain Kierra doesn't suffer from any degree of mental retardation, if we could alter her brain to make her a typical child, would we do it? Honestly, this is a tough one to field. As a parent, you would do just about anything to help your child maximize their full potential. On the other hand, who am I (even as a parent) to make such a call? Would it be worth all the risks for the possible gain? Who is to say her full potential is not for her to realize without my interference? Doesn't it change the very essence of the person I gave birth to? It's a very conflicted scenario.

I would have to say that I don't think I deserve to have the gull to make such a call. What makes me worthy of having the power to say who should be "fixed" in society? For that matter, what gives anyone that power? Just because you aren't part of the intellectual norm, it doesn't mean you are any less of a person or that your thoughts, as limited as they may be, aren't important. I've heard social workers say before that the handicapped are among the happiness people you'll ever meet; so full of enjoyment for life. How can you argue with that logic? Besides, it's my opinion that you can't judge another person's quality of life if you have never been in their shoes. And you certainly can't judge it based on what your own expectations for your own life are. Feeling sorry for someone with limited social skills or intelligence shouldn't be the basis of tinkering with their brains. As a parent with a disabled child, it bothers me a great deal that people think they need to feel sorry for my daughter; or that she would be a good candidate for being re-programmed so she can be a "productive" member of society. Obviously, I'm for therapeutic measures that can help her socialize with others, and feel included. There is a different between learning to live with your limitations, and eliminating them all together.

So I guess this topic I broached can spark a debate of sorts. I'd love to hear whatever you have to say about this. After all, what good comes out of thinking about something if you don't have other opinions to challenge your own?

THINKER AWARD - SUCH A GREAT NOMINATION!

Wow, I'm so totally honored first of all, that Burg nominated me for the Thinker Award. So thank you so much Burg. I really am shocked and happy that you thought of me. I think it's so cool that people think enough of the things that I write, that they would think to include me as one of five people to nominate! Now I will definately have to work it; I have a reputation to uphold ;)

When I first started to blog, it was funny because I was virtually a nobody with no readers. But to be honest, I started to blog to just get my thoughts out there. To me, it was a great reliever of stresses in every day life. As more and more people started to read, my blog started to take on a life of it's own. Now, I honestly enjoy just putting myself out there, because I find more and more that there are people out there that want to hear what I have to say. There are people out there who understanding my life more than I thought they would. That is a cool thing to be able to say. Plus, I've met so many great people.

So as the process goes, since I have been tagged, I must now write my own post and link 5 blogs that make ME think And of course, you must proudly display your "Thinking Blogger Award" with a link to the post that you wrote. I also wanted to say, I enjoy SO many blogs and it's really hard for me to pick out 5. I get a lot of different things from a lot of different people; you all definately make me use different parts of my brain. I definately have broadened my ways of thinking because of you. So without further adieu, here are my five picks:

1. One of my favorite people, and also one of my dearest friends is MamaLee. First off, I love her style of writing!! And you know, she is just one of the most open and honest people I've ever know. She really makes me think of my life, and how to relate to others. I enjoy the relationship she has with her bloggers too. Her take on motherhood is something that is special. She just has the most upbeat blogs; and she always manages to make me laugh. So definately check her out if you haven't already!

2. Maria was one of the first people I came across when I started to blog. I have to say how much I admire her because she is just such a frank and open person. The way she writes speaks to me because she just puts it all out there, and that is a hard thing to do. Plus she always has great topics; and frankly I love hearing about her family. Maria makes me think about family dynamics, relationships in general, and that the most valueable thing thing is just being true to yourself. So you definately must check her out!

3. Slackermom is great! I love her posts. She just says whats on her mind, and doesn't really apologize for it - and I really respect that. She will say what you may be thinking, but are too shy to say it. A lot of the time I can really relate to her thoughts; and she makes me take stock of my life. She is one of the blogs I definately click on every day. For those of you who have never read her.

4. I really get Lene. I don't know what exactly pulls me to her blog, but I think it's just the way her writing is so inviting to me. Plus, I have to admit it, I love her comments on my blog too. It's cool when you find someone's thoughts so like yours. I think she reminds me of me a litte; withouth the photos of bullfighters and scrotums of course ;) Plus she seems like a real great chick!! So check her out on her blog Families Are Like Fudge.

5. Last but certainly not least, I would like to nominate this great little blog Not Without My Coffee. This is a blog that always gets me thinking, and always offers me a good chuckle. Plus she could be a meteorologist... LOL she's always giving out the latest forcast for her area. She's a great writer; and I think she's highly articulate. So you should get to know her at http://notwithoutmycoffee.blogspot.com

So once again, thanks so much for the nomination. I hope everyone continues to enjoy reading my ramblings. I promise I will never bore ya!

SONG/VIDEO FOR AUTISM SPEAKS

This song by Five for Fighting has been made into an Autism awareness video for Autism Speaks. The words are moving; and when watching the video, I started to cry. Five for Fighting is donating money towards every hit made on the Autism Speaks website towards the fight against Autism. I ask you to click, it won't cost you anything. Please forward this link to other's. It may seem like a small thing to do, but for families like ours - it's huge.

http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/videos/view/id/213154


WORLD

Got a package full of Wishes
A Time machine, a Magic Wand
A Globe made out of Gold

No Instructions or Commandments
Laws of Gravity or
Indecisions to uphold

Printed on the box I see
A.C.M.E.'s Build-a-World-to-be
Take a chance - Grab a piece
Help me to believe it

What kind of world do you want?
Think Anything
Let's start at the start
Build a masterpiece
Be careful what you wish for
History starts now...

Should there be people or peoples
Money, Funny pedestals for Fools who never pay
Raise your Army – Choose your Steeple
Don't be shy, the satellites can look the other way

Lose the Earthquakes – Keep the Faults
Fill the oceans without the salt
Let every Man own his own Hand

What kind of world do you want
Think Anything
Let's start at the start
Build a masterpiece
Be careful what you wish for
History starts now...

Sunlight's on the Bridge
Sunlight's on the Way
Tomorrow's Calling

There's more to this than Love
What Kind of world do you want
What Kind of world do you want

What Kind of world do you want
Think Anything
Let's start at the start
Build a masterpiece

History Starts Now

Be careful what you wish for
Start Now

FREELANCE FRIDAYS - AND WE CONTINUE

Lene asked me "How would you write your job description for all the things that you do?"

Applicants should have experience in all fields:

Accounting: Must know how to hide money from children so they don't steal or hide it when you leave your purse lying around.

Law Degree: Must be able to mediate and arbitrate whenever preschooler objects to what you are saying. Must be able to overrule at all times.

Psychology: Must be able to make them think it's always their idea, to get them to do what YOU want them to do.

Doctor: Must be able to tend to all sorts of scrapes and scratches. Those who are faint at the sight of blood need not apply.

Engineer: Must be able to reconstruct broken toy at all costs; or at least know how to fix it enough until father comes home.

Movie Producer: Must be able to work all entertainment system electronics. Failure to do so will result in major tantrum.

Negotiator: Must be able to talk child out tantrum; with least amount of force possible.

Pharmacist: Must be able to keep track of 3 different medications for 3 different kids, and not mix up dosages.

House Keeping: Failure to keep house clean will lead to incessant complaining by spouse.

Chef: Must be able to make 3 different varities of meal to appease fussy eatters. If any ingredients touch, you must restart process.

Drycleaner: Must be able to clean and press dress shirts for fear a crease will cause a demotion for hubby.

Chauffeur: Must be able to navigate across city without upsetting daughter, who has different ideas of how you should get to destination.

Storyteller: Must be able to do the good voices for book characters. Monotonous voices will result in incessant complaining.

Therapist: Must be able to deal with annoying comments made by in-laws or other family members.

Mime: Must be able to fake scream instead of vocally, when children are driving you nuts in the mall.

Personal Shopper: Must know exactly what sizes, colors, styles are needed for all family member without them trying them on.

Banker: Must be able to keep budget on track; for fear of wallet being exponged of all credit cards.

Magician: Must be able to pull out excuses out of your ass at a moment's notice.

Dominatrix: Must be able to whip hubby into shape.


Slick asked me my thoughts on fashion trends (eg: thongs and low rise jeans on young girls).

I think the fact that the fashion world is trying to sexify young girls is disgusting. Whatever happened to letting little girls be little girls? It's a perverse world where little girls are put in pagents looking like mini Barbie dolls. Why would you want your young daughter to look like she's in her 20's?
What is wrong with her wearing pink flowered pants, and ribbons in her hair?

As for the thong: I don't get how any mother thinks it's ok for her 8 year old to wear a thong. I've seen em and I'm disgusted!! Where are the Strawberry Shortcake undies that cover your entire ass? Low rise jeans? My kids wear pants that cover their butts. I refuse to let them show crack (or a junior thong). In this day in age one would think you wouldn't want to draw more attention to your child with sexual predators around. I'm not saying children who are allowed to dress up like a Bratz doll deserves sexual abuse; but realizing the rationality behind people who prey on children - why fuel it? I'm perfectly happy to let my young girls grow and be little girls. There is a lot of time to dress the way you want (when you are older and capable of making smart decisions). Until then, I will not be buying anything remotely "sexy" for my daughters. I think they deserve the chance to be little girls.

FREELANCE FRIDAY - YOUR QUESTIONS REVEALED

So I decided to do something a little different today - I've dubbed today "Freelance Friday". What in the world is this you ask??? I'm asking YOU for ideas as to what you would like to see me write about. Or if you have something interesting to discuss, you can add it here and we can all have a discussion about it. Nothing too heated though; I'm not into mediation and I'm certainly not a spin doctor.

(You know this just means I was too lazy to think on my own today right? LOL).

So let's have your ideas!!


**************************************************************
Janis wants to know the different effects of my hair color.

*Sigh* so okay I'm not a natural anything at this point. Honestly, my hair is redish blonde - but it's no where looking like that right now. Janis, who I assume some of you have met, likes me best with the red thing going on. I secretly thinks she lusts for me ;) When I had the redish hair; people tended to joke more with me. They mostly thought I had a very laid back attitude. I think I seemed more approachable for some odd reason. And everyone told me I looked just like my mom. Anyways, so here is the red.



So last year I got bored and decided to go blonde, blonde, blonde. Difference I noticed? Men were a lot nicer to me, and women a lot bitchier LOL. Honest to God. People also treated me like I must not be too intelligent (our old builder referred to me as "just a housewife"). People seem shocked when I tell them I went to university. So while blondes may have more fun because men are a lot nicer to them, they certainly get the short of the stick from all the stereotypes.



And last but not least, I recently ditched the blondey and went dark brunette. People were mostly shocked, since I've never had dark hair in my life. BUT I did receive a lot of compliments. My hubby likes this dark hair the best. However, it did wash down a lot, and low and behold, the red is coming back. Now with the brunette, people treated me like I was more intelligent. Women would approach me more, but men weren't as interested anymore. That made hubby happy. However, people now tell me they initially thought I was stuck-up until they got to know me. So apparently dark brown hair transformed me into a hard-ass or something.



So there is my sociological experiment on different follicle colors. Anyone else have same or different experiences with their hair?

SUPERMOM NEED APPLY

I think of myself mostly as a tough cookie. I pride myself on being rational in times of chaos. Things happen and I try to let it slide off. Yesterday was NOT one of those days. Aside from an impending migraine I didn't catch in time with my med's(which I hate btw) and cramps (which I hate even more) I get a note in Jenna's backpack from the school.

SIDENOTE: The twins attend junior kindergarten at a school that is specially designed for children and siblings with disabilities. I thought it was a good opportunity for the twins to learn from each other; and about each other. So there is a lot of therapists in-class and such.

The note is from their Occupational Therapist stating that she believes Jenna needs an OT evaluation. I felt like I got kicked in the stomach. It does seems trivial doesn't it? Well a month ago I got another evulation report on Jenna that states she has speech issues, and that she could use some speech therapy. In fact she starts her therapy tomorrow. Now I realize neither service is a big deal... but to me, I internalized it as a failure. I already have one special needs child. I know that Jenna is not; but the point I'm driving at is it would be nice to have only one child that requires all this extra therapy. To give you more appreciation of our situation, Kierra has in-home therapy Mon-Fri from 9am-Noon. She then goes to a special school Mon-Fri from 1pm-3pm. She gets home at 4:00. This kid has a packed schedule. Kierra's in-home team consists of a Child Development Specialist, a Psychologist, Speech Therapist and an Occupational Therapist. She has all of these at school, plus a Physical Therapist. Our life revolves around this. I have people in my house whether I like it or not. Most of the time not.

Getting back to the original point... seeing this note about JENNA upsets me a great deal. Part of me feels that if our family wasn't so centered around Kierra's needs, Jenna wouldn't need interventive therapies. I mean the kid can hardly hold a pencil properly, and she can't really draw anything other than squiggly circles. Frankly, I know this is my fault because I don't spend enough one-on-one time with her developing these skills. But also I'm so sucked dry most of the time; I don't have the drive to spend that time with her. So Jenna falls by the wayside because I'm so hell-bent on improving Kierra. It's a wake up call and I wasn't ready to answer it.

It's a hard thing when you feel your other kids suffer because of your inability to juggle them all. People always tell me I'm doing great. Today I took the girls to lunch at McD's and a woman stopped to tell me how wonderfully behaved my children were; and that it's too bad more kids weren't like that. I REALLY needed to hear that because it gave me some reassurance that I wasn't totally boning motherhood. Yah, yah - I know there is no such thing as a perfect mom. But I wonder sometimes... is there such a thing as being "too imperfect"?

WILL YOU REMEMBER?

Serious moment of reflection here. This is not going to be quite worthy of being a "Deep Thought" but it's pretty close.

We were discussing the grandparents the other day (my and hubby's grandparents). I have both my grandmothers living; and actually until recently my great-grandmother who died at the age of 101. My husband only has his paterrnal grandmother left. Of course, as you can imagine, they are all getting along in age. They all range in the late 70's to mid 90's. And lately, there has been discussion in both families about dementia and Alzheimers. The grandma's are getting pretty forgetful. Hubby's gma doesn't even know who he is anymore; certainly doesn't know he's married or has three girls of his own now. My own are starting as well; although they certainly are trying to hide it very well. Can I be perfectly honest? Alzheimer's scares the bejeesuz out of me. I can't imagine living your enitre life, only to forget it all - even yourself. All the entities that you have used to build your personality - vanished. All those precious memories you've spent a lifetime building only to be discarded effortlessly by your mind. It seems so unjust, cruel and unfair. It scares me even more because it's hereditary and it's in my family.

I can't imagine not remembering my favorite toys as a child, cherished schoolmates, and beloved pets. Camping trips, going to the zoo or family vacations. I can't comprehend not remembering all the crazy stuff I did as a teenager (some I wish I COULD forget), school dances, fancy prom dresses and first kisses and first loves. The year you met your soul mate, the day he proposed, your wedding day down to every finite detail of the dress your wore, the flowers you carried, the guests who smiled at you - all gone. I can't fathome forgetting the day my children were born: hearing their tiny cries, touching their soft skin or smelling the aroma of them so sweet. All the tender memories from them growing up: first steps, first smiles, first words. Years and years that you waiting a lifetime to get to and experience. Then imagine watching old home movies or looking through photographs and not know who you are looking at. Not finding faces or places in the archives of your mind because they have long been abandoned; and replaced with confusion.

I am one of those people who has a memory like an elephant. I kid you not, I remember things from as young as 2 years old. I definately remember the saffari I was on when a giraffe stuck his head in the window and scared the living daylights out of me. I remember crazy, unimportant things... like the color dress I wore at my 10th birthday. I remember a lot of great things that are beyond important - like the day I found out I was having twins. I must have a very organized brain or something; things so neatly put away. And the thought of one day having all my internal files thrown up in the air and float aimlessly down again in disarray - to me that's inhumane. And even knowing that it might be a moot point to get upset about it (it may just be inevitable); and also knowing I can't help the grandma's either is indescribably sad.

Hubby told me maybe the grace in it all is not knowing what you've lost; so you really don't grieve for it. Maybe the Godsend is not realizing you've lost it all. I don't believe that. I don't think people can stand there and not realize there are important memories missing they can't retrieve anymore. I can't see it being peaceful to wake up to a roomful of strangers and wondering why they are so sad you don't know who they are. I don't believe it is not missed: it's missed in those who watch your mind fade away, along with their memories of you in it.

So after I probably depressed the hell out of you; don't worry because I'm not going to leave this on a sour note. I just want to say I've realized something really important and I want you to share in it to. LIVE every day to your FULLEST capacity. Don't worry about what may or may not be there when you are 90. The most important thing is to have experienced and to have lived your life. There never is guarantees in anything we do. We all leave this spinning rock at some point. I dont necessarily know if we take our memories with us. I think maybe they were made to share with others, who carry them on with them to share with others. Maybe that's the joy and the sanctity of preserving memories: to be carried in the hearts of others. I firmly believe it's the impression you made on those around you that matter the most. So I invite you all to share your vigor for life, and leave your mark on this world in the most meaningful way that you possibly can... just live.

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

THE LOVE GAME

Ah understanding your significant other... think you know? Here is a true or false quiz I found about marital happiness and understanding the opposite sex. Now I scored 8 - which isn't all that great. I don't necessarily agree with all the answers for the record. As usual, I'll rationalize why I don't agree (and yes this is a wedding picture of me and my hubby).

1. Husband-wife arguments are usually won by the spouse who does the most talking.
TRUE!!!! Come on, usually the better talker wins. Besides, chances are if your spouse knows you aren't going to shut up until they win, the other just gracefully backs down in hopes that the situation will end and sex can resume.

2. Women are better at solving complicated problems than men.
FALSE: "They" say men are 50% more efficient problem solvers. I don't buy it. They don't seem to know how to put a damn toilet seat down and you expect me to believe they can solve more than 50% more problems than me? Hell my husband can't figure out what to make the kids for lunch without my leaving him a detailed list. PEESHAW I say!

3. Women tend to be more cheerful and optimistic than men.
FALSE: Apparently we are more likely to be depressed. Well I'll tell you what, you have PMS for a few days, then cramps for another few days, get hemmoroids, stretch marks, sciatic nerve pains, 3 day long labors, episiotomies, mastisis, saggy post-breast feeding boobs, endless nights of lack of sleep - and then add a husband who doesn't get why you don't want to have sex. YAH I guess we are not as chipper!!

4. Men get along on less sleep than women.
TRUE: Define "less" sleep okay? My husband gets 7 hours of sleep rather than 8 and he's all bent out of shape. Women need more sleep to function: Well no shit - we are the ones doing most of the crap those poor men with only 7 hours of sleep can't cope with. I had twins my first time around - I am the eptiomy of no sleep!!!


5. When faced with a severe crisis, a woman is more likely to go to pieces than a man.
FALSE: AHA!!! I knew it!!! Women are more likely to stay calm and collected. Women have autopilot that allow them to deal with the crisis. Yeah sure once it's resolved we may have a bit of a freak out... but hey it's nothing a little white wine can't fix!

6. Men are fussier about their food.
FALSE: Say what? Then why is it when I want to make something, I get 100 reasons why that's not a good choice. See women, they learn how to eat whenever they can; especially moms. Just cause I guy may eat a 4 year old sandwich out of a vending machine, doesn't mean women are too picky. It just means we refuse to eat things that are fuzzy and green.


7. Men tend to be more self-centered than women.
FALSE: OK I admit it; women are a lot more self-centered. I can admit this. How can we not be though? We are constantly scrutinized for the way we look. If you aren't a size 0 you might as well give in and eat a dozen Krispy Kremes because you're a fat ass. LOL we buy into the whole rigamaroll that if we aren't perfect; we are some sort of heffer. Men; they don't care. A pair of old shorts from the college years, paired with a tshirt with a hole in the armpit? No problem!!!

8. When a couple has mother-in-law trouble, it's usually the wife's mother who is to blame.
FALSE: SEE I was right!!! My hubby gets along famously with my mom. Besides, there is nothing worse than a momma's boy who still needs to tell his mommy every detail of his life. That's ok when you are 10; but not when you are in your 30's. Besides, you ever watch Dr. Phil and see those mother in laws trying to put out hits on their daughter-in-laws? Scarey!

9. Women talk more about men than men talk about women.
TRUE: Who else are we supposed to talk about? LOL. Besides we are more likely to discuss all the stupid things our husbands do. Men spend their times trying to think of ways to make up for the stupid things they do.


10. Wives understand their husbands better than their husbands understand them.
FALSE: This one surprised me. Usually all you hear is how men don't know what women want. Make up your minds; you either have us figured out or you don't. And don't men supposedly make it more clear what they do and do not like? Go figure.

11. Women make more fuss about minor and non-existent ailments.
TRUE: These people never met my husband. He has a cold and he's near death. All I hear is "I'm sick!" Please, I had the flu and breastfed a baby. I fed, went to barf, came back and fed some more, barfed and then burped the kid! And I don't act like a logging truck unrigged on the road and a log went through my foot when I get a splinter like SOME people I know.


12. Men are more truthful than women.
FALSE: LOL hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. 'Nough said!

13. Most husbands are more intelligent than their wives.
TRUE: OK clarification: Men tend to "marry down" because they typically want to be smarter than their wivese. This doesn't mean men are more intelligent than women. It just means men are more threatened when their wives are smarter than them LOL.

14. Divorced men are better second marriage risks than divorced women.
TRUE: Men have a harder time the second go around. They are less willing to comprimise than a woman in a second marriage is. Wait a minute: does this mean they are actually more stubborn?

15. The widespread masculine belief that women are the most talkative sex actually has no basis in fact.
FALSE: It's true; women are more talkative than men. But this is also because women (aka girls) tend to mature a lot faster than men. In fact, female babies usually start talking earlier than boys.

16. Women are more easily bored than men.
FALSE: Men are more bored by monotony. Does that also go for monogamy? LOL that was a joke. But men do get more bored than women do. That's why they invented dare devil sports and beer. Makes things more interesting.

17. Men have quicker reflexes, react faster than women.
TRUE: They have to when we throw objects at them. LOL otherwise they'd have a lot more head injuries.

18. Men have a greater capacity for happiness than women.
FALSE: Women have more capacity for happines... however they also have a greater capacity for unhappiness. So does that mean 50% of us are delighted beyond belief, the other 50% of us are miserable? Either way; women tend to feel it out more than men, while men tend to feel it up more.

THESE THREE THINGS

I just want to say, I love all your blogs; but you people monopolize a lot of my free time because I'm compelled to read them all. I mean that's a lot of blogs to run through. I must break them down into days or something. Quit being so damned interesting!!!

I was tagged by Teri (My Comfy Chair). You know the rule... if you are tagged you are going to play along!! So here are my "three" things. Even if you aren't tagged, please feel free to play anyways!

Three Things That Scare Me:
1) Flying
2) Outliving my kids
3) Outliving my husband

I hate flying. I have this nonsensical fear of falling out of the plane. Not jumping, just falling out of it. I don't know why. Funny thing is my mom has the EXACT same thing going on! OK weirdness is on the X chromosome on that one.

Three People Who Make Me Laugh:
1) Jarrett (hubby)
2) My kids (can't just have two and not all three)
3) My brother Rob

My husband is the only person I know who shares the same sense of warped humor as me. Good match. We always joke that no one else would "get" us. So we're lucky. And well let me see; we had three kids so you know they have to share our same oddness (eg: Our youngest used to drive her babywalker with her teeth; it was a spaceship and she was pretty much an alien with a teatowel driving her walker). And my brother - well he's crazy too. We have a long running joke about Billy Bee honey nuts. He's getting married next August, you know those suckers will be coming out at the reception.

Three Things I Love:
1) My Husband
2) My Kids
3) My Parents

Can I get a collective "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"

Three Things I Hate:
1) Liars
2) Pedophiles
3) Racists

Man can I just say, I LOATHE pedophiles. I mean most people do; but I really hate them. Useless sacks of crap. Racists aren't too far behind. They can be rounded up into the same crapbag as the pedophiles. And liars... I mean serious lies and not ones about shirt sucking.

Three Things I Don’t Understand:
1) Why people hate
2) Why bad things happen to good people
3) Why the world can't get along (give peace a chance man!)

Aren't these all problems in society? Yes. World doesn't get along, because there is so much hate and mistrust. Ignorance mostly. Religion in the number one catalyst for global war. Interesting no? And the bad things happening to undeserving people is complete crap. I get the whole "everything happens for a reason" thing I guess; but I think all that should be reserved for people who actually are wastes of skin.

Three Things On My Desk:
1) A cornmeal muffin my hubby baked
2) My daily planner
3) 700 file folders I never file

I never file things away. One of hubby's pet peeves about me; that and dripping water on the floor after my shower. Maybe that's why I didn't make a great legal assistant huh? (not the shower part; if that'd been the case maybe I would've gotten more raises). And btw, my hubby makes a mean cornmeal muffin.

Three Things I’m Doing Right Now:
1) Waiting for kids to eat
2) Waiting for hubby to come home from work
3) Doing this list LOL

Well DERRRRR obviously I'm doing this list. Kids take eons to eat one hotdog but they can snarffle down an ice cream cone in 30 seconds. And my hubby; well I just go nuts in the last 20 min's before he comes home because it's almost time for me to seek out my kid-free sanctuary. SANCTUARY!!!!!!!


Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1) Watch my children grow up
2) Meet my grandchild
3) Celebrate my 50th anniversary with hubby

Don't think these are too much to ask for. I would go happy knowing everyone I loved was ok and happy too.

Three Things I Can Do:
1) Write eloquently (LOL that was a joke btw)
2) Paint
3) Play piano

I actually AM still writing a book (for the past 100 years it seems); but I'm going to finish it one day. I go on bursts of creativity. Lately those bursts aren't happening. But I'm more than half way through so that's SOMETHING. My hubby is the only one that's really read it; and he thinks it's great. He may just be saying that because he knows who butters his cornmeal muffin ;) I do paint; I'm painting something for hubby's office. And yes I do play piano (since I was about...6). Ta-Da - I'm artsy fartsy!

Three Things I Can’t Do:
1) Play tennis
2) Put my foot to my nose (who would want to anyways?)
3) Go skydiving (I'm too scared)

I suck at tennis LOL. Seriously not my bag. I once played with old boyfriend and actually smashed him in the nuts. It was an accident - but looking back I can't say I'm sad it happened LOL. I am not bendy really - in part of curvature in my spine from when I was born. Who wants to smell their toes anyways? Skidiving... ok for a gal scared of falling out of a plane, this would seem a bad idea. Hubby used to go (that freak), but he doesn't anymore. He's tried to get me to go; no dice bud! He suggested a hot air balloon ride the other day... is he on crack?

Three Things I Think You Should Listen To:
1) Your children
2) Your intuition
3) God

Always ALWAYS listen to your kids. They always have great things to say. Funny things too. But if you dont' listen to them now, don't bitch later when they don't want to talk to you. Intuition - definately listen to. No one knows better than your gutt (except when it comes to cheesecakes). And God. Don't get offended if you are an atheist or something please. But for me, God is in my life and He's the one I go to in times of need and struggle. No better sounding board if He's in your heart.

Three Things You Should Never Listen To:
1) Satan (that's obvious LOL)
2) Any politician
3) MC Hammer

LOL dont' listen to Satan - he's not a good guy. LOL. Anyone that has hoofs for feet has to be bad news. Politicians; they are from hell too and probably have hoofs in those expensive wingtips they where. I just BET they do!!! MC Hammer - you can't touch this and you really shouldn't anyways!! Nothing good comes from a dude that wears puffy ass pants.

Three Things I’d Like To Learn:
1) Tango
2) Horseback riding
3) How to put folded laundry away LOL

I love dance!! I'm jealous of people that look good when they dance. I don't suck at dancing; I just don't know how to tango or cha-cha or anything fancy. I'd like to learn. My husband isn't fancy-foot gifted... but he's gifted in other ways so he's forgiven. Horses I love horses!!! I don't want to learn jumping though. Eventually I want to buy a horse. Folding laundry... this is my arch nemesis!! It haunts me. I can wash it, fold it but never manage to put it away. I know I'm pathetic!

Three Favorite Foods:
1) Seafood
2) Steak
3) Spinach dip

If it came from the sea, I'm loving it. If it came from a cow, I'm loving it. If it's spinach dip, I love that too. What I don't love you want to know? Liver (gross), brussel sprouts (gag), and lamb(baaaa).

Three Things I Regret:
1) First boyfriend
2) Giving it away to first boyfriend
3) Not kicking first boyfriend in the balls

Can I just publically say ASSHOLE!! (Disclaimer: You may be offended by language content in this post. If not; you must know my old boyfriend or had one similar to him). I didn't kick him in the balls, but I did hit him accidentally with a tennis ball remember? Wooo ha ha ha!!!


Three People I Tag:
1) Mamalee
2) SlackerMom
3) Slick

MamaLee - I lurve you!! You know I have to tag you!!! Slackermom - I love the cut of your jib lady!!! And Slick, I know you'll have something offensive to write so why stiffle you? LOL.