I think of myself mostly as a tough cookie. I pride myself on being rational in times of chaos. Things happen and I try to let it slide off. Yesterday was NOT one of those days. Aside from an impending migraine I didn't catch in time with my med's(which I hate btw) and cramps (which I hate even more) I get a note in Jenna's backpack from the school.
SIDENOTE: The twins attend junior kindergarten at a school that is specially designed for children and siblings with disabilities. I thought it was a good opportunity for the twins to learn from each other; and about each other. So there is a lot of therapists in-class and such.
The note is from their Occupational Therapist stating that she believes Jenna needs an OT evaluation. I felt like I got kicked in the stomach. It does seems trivial doesn't it? Well a month ago I got another evulation report on Jenna that states she has speech issues, and that she could use some speech therapy. In fact she starts her therapy tomorrow. Now I realize neither service is a big deal... but to me, I internalized it as a failure. I already have one special needs child. I know that Jenna is not; but the point I'm driving at is it would be nice to have only one child that requires all this extra therapy. To give you more appreciation of our situation, Kierra has in-home therapy Mon-Fri from 9am-Noon. She then goes to a special school Mon-Fri from 1pm-3pm. She gets home at 4:00. This kid has a packed schedule. Kierra's in-home team consists of a Child Development Specialist, a Psychologist, Speech Therapist and an Occupational Therapist. She has all of these at school, plus a Physical Therapist. Our life revolves around this. I have people in my house whether I like it or not. Most of the time not.
Getting back to the original point... seeing this note about JENNA upsets me a great deal. Part of me feels that if our family wasn't so centered around Kierra's needs, Jenna wouldn't need interventive therapies. I mean the kid can hardly hold a pencil properly, and she can't really draw anything other than squiggly circles. Frankly, I know this is my fault because I don't spend enough one-on-one time with her developing these skills. But also I'm so sucked dry most of the time; I don't have the drive to spend that time with her. So Jenna falls by the wayside because I'm so hell-bent on improving Kierra. It's a wake up call and I wasn't ready to answer it.
It's a hard thing when you feel your other kids suffer because of your inability to juggle them all. People always tell me I'm doing great. Today I took the girls to lunch at McD's and a woman stopped to tell me how wonderfully behaved my children were; and that it's too bad more kids weren't like that. I REALLY needed to hear that because it gave me some reassurance that I wasn't totally boning motherhood. Yah, yah - I know there is no such thing as a perfect mom. But I wonder sometimes... is there such a thing as being "too imperfect"?