Friday, April 13, 2007


Lene asked me "How would you write your job description for all the things that you do?"

Applicants should have experience in all fields:

Accounting: Must know how to hide money from children so they don't steal or hide it when you leave your purse lying around.

Law Degree: Must be able to mediate and arbitrate whenever preschooler objects to what you are saying. Must be able to overrule at all times.

Psychology: Must be able to make them think it's always their idea, to get them to do what YOU want them to do.

Doctor: Must be able to tend to all sorts of scrapes and scratches. Those who are faint at the sight of blood need not apply.

Engineer: Must be able to reconstruct broken toy at all costs; or at least know how to fix it enough until father comes home.

Movie Producer: Must be able to work all entertainment system electronics. Failure to do so will result in major tantrum.

Negotiator: Must be able to talk child out tantrum; with least amount of force possible.

Pharmacist: Must be able to keep track of 3 different medications for 3 different kids, and not mix up dosages.

House Keeping: Failure to keep house clean will lead to incessant complaining by spouse.

Chef: Must be able to make 3 different varities of meal to appease fussy eatters. If any ingredients touch, you must restart process.

Drycleaner: Must be able to clean and press dress shirts for fear a crease will cause a demotion for hubby.

Chauffeur: Must be able to navigate across city without upsetting daughter, who has different ideas of how you should get to destination.

Storyteller: Must be able to do the good voices for book characters. Monotonous voices will result in incessant complaining.

Therapist: Must be able to deal with annoying comments made by in-laws or other family members.

Mime: Must be able to fake scream instead of vocally, when children are driving you nuts in the mall.

Personal Shopper: Must know exactly what sizes, colors, styles are needed for all family member without them trying them on.

Banker: Must be able to keep budget on track; for fear of wallet being exponged of all credit cards.

Magician: Must be able to pull out excuses out of your ass at a moment's notice.

Dominatrix: Must be able to whip hubby into shape.

Slick asked me my thoughts on fashion trends (eg: thongs and low rise jeans on young girls).

I think the fact that the fashion world is trying to sexify young girls is disgusting. Whatever happened to letting little girls be little girls? It's a perverse world where little girls are put in pagents looking like mini Barbie dolls. Why would you want your young daughter to look like she's in her 20's?
What is wrong with her wearing pink flowered pants, and ribbons in her hair?

As for the thong: I don't get how any mother thinks it's ok for her 8 year old to wear a thong. I've seen em and I'm disgusted!! Where are the Strawberry Shortcake undies that cover your entire ass? Low rise jeans? My kids wear pants that cover their butts. I refuse to let them show crack (or a junior thong). In this day in age one would think you wouldn't want to draw more attention to your child with sexual predators around. I'm not saying children who are allowed to dress up like a Bratz doll deserves sexual abuse; but realizing the rationality behind people who prey on children - why fuel it? I'm perfectly happy to let my young girls grow and be little girls. There is a lot of time to dress the way you want (when you are older and capable of making smart decisions). Until then, I will not be buying anything remotely "sexy" for my daughters. I think they deserve the chance to be little girls.


Lene said...

Great job description...pretty accurate!

I am with you 100% on the thongs and low rise pants on young girls. I have 2 it isn't an issue for me. But when I was teaching...I dealt with dress code issues all the time. It amazed me how these girls came to school. I mean..they were in 5th and 6th grades - they do not buy their own clothes at that age!

Maria said...

God...those skimpy little tops in the little girl's department?!

One said, "You can't afford me." The other said, "I can work it soooo good."

It was nauseating. This was in the CHILDREN"S department.

And wow...GREAT piece on the job description, Elle.

Anonymous said...

The job description is awesome!! Love that!

I'd like to know who got the idea that girls should be dressing that way to begin with. There is no way my daughter will be wearing crap like that.

And I don't let either of my kids do the shirts with sayings on them. The ones for girls are awful, and the ones for boys aren't much better...

Slick said...

If I ever catch my ex wife buying my little girl sexy clothes, there'll be war. Promise you that.

I get mad when I see that stuff in malls and places.

Catwoman said...

I couldn't agree with you more on all of it. The job description. But most of all, the girl's clothing.

I don't have a daughter right now. But should a second baby come into our lives and it's a girl, you can bet that she won't be wearing those clothes either.

I completely agree with you, that with the number of sickos out there, it's even more disturbing.

And aren't you just teaching your daughters to be a sex object when you dress them that way? That they need to show their "stuff" so that boys will like them? Shouldn't we be past all of this in 2007, where women are running for president and leading congress?